Always-Love Life

Everything in life has a significant reason of being. I think we all just have to find out where we fit in this world. We all have something that sets us apart from others. We just have to know what that something is, some of us are great friends and others are great lovers. We know who we are by the people we invite into our lives. Some people make us better and some just drive us further down into our own personal hell. We all are fighting some kind of demon in our lives, we just have to know that we are stronger than our own personal needs. Our demons can live in our home, work, or personal lives we just have to know how to deal.
As we go into a new year and find a whole new set of obsticals standing in our way, keep a few things in mind. Never make a promise you can't keep, remember that random encounters come and go but true friends last for a lifetime. Keep in mind that God blesses us everyday that we wake, so be thankful and know that he never gives us problems that we can not over-come.
I hope and pray that this new year opens eyes, hearts, and minds of the people who are closed. I pray that hate is truly over-come by love and not lust. I pray that friendships that are worth holding onto remain the same. I pray that God blesses us all with forgivness for others and also forgiveness for our selves. If you are living with stress and pain let it go! If you are feeling down don't. God has given you more than you can know.
Have a Happy New Year and may God bless you deeply.
Always love- love life

Twilight craze has pulled me in

This might be random info but I don't care. I want to share it anyway. I know that we all have stressful lives. I also know that sometimes it can be hard to find an excape. Well, boys and girls I have found mine. Yes it might be childish. It might even be a little strange for some of you to understand but I have truly found my outlet.
It all started with a movie based on a book or books I should say. I have never heard of these books but I can honestly say that I am hooked. I think I found my new drug. The movie is called Twilight and I love it. It is a love story with a bite. It is deeply seductive and suspenseful. It is a love story about a vampire and his family who do not hunt humans.The vampire then falls in love with a human. I got the book (twilight) after I saw the movie. The book kept me engaged for hours. I read it in one night and I was thirsty for more. I got the second book called New Moon and I read that one in one night also. There are two more books that I have to get Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I just know they are going to be as good as the first two. I know that this might sound a little crazy but really and truly I don't care.
Well that's an update on me and my new obsession. Call me crazy!

My rules for 2009

I am ending this year and a lot relationships that are no good for me. I am putting me first. I am getting rid of fake. I am cutting ties to the lies. I am takeing back my love and friendship, from the ones who don't deserve it. These are my rules for 09'.
1. Put my self first
2. Keep god in my heart
3. Cut ties to fake friends because they only use you.
4. Keep intouch with those who truly care.
5. Don't give to those who use you for there own agenda.
6. Tell the ones you love how you feel
7. If you don't make an effort with me, well guess what neither will I
8. If you don't be true to me, don't expect me to feel sorry for you
9. Tell me when your mad or hurt, because I will tell you.
10. IF YOU DON'T CALL ME and you think we are friends, you are sadly mistaken.
11. I WILL ALWAYS KEEP UP WITH MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONE'S but don't let that keeping up with me and my randomness first.
12. Don't let the hurt of another make you miss out on something wonderfull. There is that perfect person out there for us all. We just have to keep and open heart and mind to the idea.
These are some of my rules and guidelines for 09'. I hope that you keep them in mind and make some for your self. Don't let the new year start and you are still dealing with the old shit of 08'.

The count down begins!

Wow, It just hit me, there are only 19 days until I am 28. Where does the time go, and why am I not where I want to be in my life by now? I see all these people who have the things I want, but they are not happy or greatfull for what they have and it makes me mad. I think I am a good person. No, I know I am a good person, so why can't I have what I want? Why can't the people like me get what they want out of life? There are no answers for these questions, so I guess I will have to wait just like everyone. Else.
To all the people who are waiting for something that they have not found, don't give up! Don't let what you don't have rule you because if you do, you might lose yourself. Make 2009 a year of longlasting hope, love, and friendship. Don't force people to be in your life, if they want to go let them go! Keep your friends close because if you keep pushing them away, you are the one who will suffer not them. Pick up the phone and say hi just because, not because you feel you have an obligation!
So, to my friends I love you but don't forget the phone works both ways. To others don't forget about the ones who were there for you, because you never know when you might need them again.

Why Can't Love be?

Friendships and Relationships should not be hard and I am tired of feeling like what ever I do or say is never enough. I also have friends who can't figure out why their love is not enough. You can love and give so much to a person and before you realize what's happened, you have given them all you have to give. Once you have done that what else is left? Nothing, just and empty shell of a loveless or even hateful feelings for your self and even that person. Men don't understand that the love of a woman and a good woman at that,can make there lives much better. The love of a woman is a great and powerfull thing. I don't care if its the love from a female friend or from a woman you are dating it still runs very deep. When women love men regardless of their situation or status in that mans life, they can't just cut it off. I, like the many women that I know, love deeply and it can turn into hate if pushed or ignored to the point where we can't forgive.
Just a little something I wanted to get of my chest.

God knows us!

Things are a little slow so I decided to share my thoughts.
As I look forward to the new year, I look back at all the things I have done and gone through. I thank God for giving me peace to keep an open heart. When you have been hurt by a friend, family member, or your significant other, you should ask your self was it worth it? I have friends who have been hurt, hell I have even been hurt, but without the hurt how can we grow and be better people? I am thankfull for all the experiences that I have had, because they have made me stronger as a woman and in my faith.
As the new year draws near don't be afraid of the un-known, don't run from love if it comes knocking, and don't run when you know that if you stay you might get hurt. I say this because running does not get you what you want.
Forgive the ones who have caused you harm, not for them, but for your self. Don't let one person determin who you are, or what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Go into the new year free and clear of the past, because the ones who have hurt you are happy to see you suffer.
We only have this one life, so live each day as if it were your last. Except love, except friendship, and except the fact that God will never leave you if you stay true to him and your self.
My God bless you each and every day. May he bless us with the love that we hope for, because we are his children and he wants us to be happy. May God take away the pain that others has caused, because he is and should be the only one to have power over us all. God knows us in every way, there for trust him, for he rules over all things. If you give your troubles to God he will work them out for you when he thinks you are ready and excepting of what he can do. So I pray for all my loved ones may we have peace and hope knowing that God is on our side.
I love you and may God bless us each and every one of us.
I love you, I pray for you, and I hope you are blessed in everything that you do.

God knows us!

Things are a little slow so I decided to share my thoughts.
As I look forward to the new year, I look back at all the things I have done and gone through. I thank God for giving me peace to keep an open heart. When you have been hurt by a friend, family member, or your significant other, you should ask your self was it worth it? I have friends who have been hurt, hell I have even been hurt, but without the hurt how can we grow and be better people? I am thankfull for all the experiences that I have had, because they have made me stronger as a woman and in my faith.
As the new year draws near don't be afraid of the un-known, don't run from love if it comes knocking, and don't run when you know that if you stay you might get hurt. I say this because running does not get you what you want.
Forgive the ones who have caused you harm, not for them, but for your self. Don't let one person determin who you are, or what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Go into the new year free and clear of the past, because the ones who have hurt you are happy to see you suffer.
We only have this one life, so live each day as if it were your last. Except love, except friendship, and except the fact that God will never leave you if you stay true to him and your self.
My God bless you each and every day. May he bless us with the love that we hope for, because we are his children and he wants us to be happy. May God take away the pain that others has caused, because he is and should be the only one to have power over us all. God knows us in every way, there for trust him, for he rules over all things. If you give your troubles to God he will work them out for you when he thinks you are ready and excepting of what he can do. So I pray for all my loved ones may we have peace and hope knowing that God is on our side.
I love you and may God bless us each and every one of us.
I love you, I pray for you, and I hope you are blessed in everything that you do.

The reason I come home

Ok, I know its late and I should be sleep but I have had no luck. A friend of mine let me in on this song, so I thought I would share it with you. I hope it touches you like it did me. I think this song gives hope to the hopeless. I am not putting all the words, because I think you all should find it. I am thankful to the friend who found this because with out her I would have never heared of it.
The song or at least part of it.
Watching you watching me, is fine way to fall asleep. Neighbors fight as we both rest our eyes. Hand in the fallen snow, numb to the winter cold, we don't mind cause will get warm in side. Your the reason I come home, your the reason I come home my love. Your the reason that when every thing I know falls apart, your the reason I come home.
The streets asleep,so I breath you in deep. Tragedy of chemistry. People dream of a you and me I found effortlessly. Your the reson I come home, your the reason I come home my love. For long time I remember saying prayers for something perfect, saying prayers for someone kind. Its in my head sending cyrcles down the ave instead. Your the reason I come home my love.
I hope you all take these words and apply them to your life, because we all want to feel this way and we all want some to tell us that we are the reason that they come home. I know for me that is what I am looking for. Remember everyone gives you a reason to live, to love, and to hope. So, the reason I or you come home is to be loved by some one who is special in our lives. So when you find that person hold on tight and let them know that they mean more to you than words can ever discribe.
-xoxoxo

Wake men and realize before its to little to late for apologies!!!

You give and give and give and what do you get in return nothing. No, I take that back you get heartache, pain, lies,complications, and loss. Men take so much from women and they don't realize how much it hurts when they play us for fools. They try to keep us safe by not telling us what's going on because they think it is best, but by not telling us you are only hurting us. Why can't they just be honest and open with there feelings? Why can't they take no for no and not feel rejected? Why do men take so much from women? I mean as soon as we ask for the smallest thing from them they act like we want to bare their children. Women just want respect, honesty, loyalty, and kindness from men. Why can't we get that? We want men who will commit with out fear, men who won't cheat just because they are not sure if they really want us or not, and men who will tell us if they don't want us anymore. I respect a men who can open their mouths and talk. Talk hard, talk with your hearts, and talk I mean damn just talk. To the men in my life friends or not, if you think this is you then change because you don't want to be left out in the cold. If you are one of the good guys keep it up and don't for get that women can read you better than you think.
A little love from love......

As 2008 comes to a close almost.

" in side every man, there in lies the ability to be a better man." how many of you think this is true? The same could also be said about a woman. Here is something else to think about "next to every great woman stands beside her a strong and mature man." There are many saying that I could add but really what's the point? It takes two strong and mature adults to be able to come together and decide that they are going to be together. To all the men and women who have something worth fighting for you better do so, before it to late.
As the year ends some of us might have thought we would be at different places in our lives. Maybe a different job, a new home, or even should I dare say it a new and lasting relationship. Two of those things we have some control and it is not the last one. We can not for see or even guess what's on the other persons mind. We might think we know, but if we are honest with our selves we know we don't. I know I have, like many other women I know, thought that we found the one or even Mr right but I have been proven wrong once or twice. I think this is natures way of telling us that it is not time for love just yet. So I am going to focus on my own personal thing and let the rest follow.
As the new year creeps up let's try to face it with open eyes and a light heart. Let's LET THE PAST STAT IN THE PAST. and the PROBLEMS, the HEARTACHE, and all the PAIN of 2008 die with tone of 2009.

For friends and others

I accept you in confidence, I listen and admire your wisdom. We are one when we are together. That's why you and I will always be friends.
When you are angry, I am there to sooth your aggression. When you are sad I am here to cheer you up. We understand each others thoughts from time to time.
We have a trust that's very rare and that's how I know we will always be friends. We accept life as it comes all the good, bad, and the ugly. We are inseparable if only in mind. I read this and I thouht it was so true about some friends, so that's why I wanted to share it with others.
There are many things in life that we can not contol, we just have to hope for the best. People come in and go out of our lives every day that's why we have to be thankful for the time that they share. The people that are in our lives are angels and they should be treated with honesty, respect, kindness. God knows us inside and out, he knows what we want and what is best. He keeps us from the bad, but if we keep going against what he wants, we will be left standing all alone. So don't force people to stay and if they want to leave, let them leave. Our father up above have our best interest at heart, we just have to LISTEN......
-xoxoxo

Is he or isent he, that is the big question

Ok, I must confess, I never thought I would like this kind of guy. He is sweet, kind, and he knows what he wants. He is older, but he has a child like persona. He is a little rough around the edges and at the same time I can tell he can be a big goof. He tells me that I am the kind of woman that he has been looking for. He says that I am the piece that he has been missing from his life. We met a while back but never really talked, but he did ask me out. I forgot about the date we had planed until he called me, and you know what, I am happy he did not forget.
Some more info on him. He has two kids and he wants more. He has a good job and there is no ex-drama. He likes me for me, imperfections and all. He said that I am special and he does not want to hurt me. He wants to see where we end up.

Hello friends. I had a date lastnight and it was a good one. It started out kind of rocky, but all in all it was really nice. He got to my house an hour late with no real reason.that was the only mistake he made all night. That's one of my rules never be late for a date with me because it is rude and it won't get you any where with me or any woman.
Well, anyway back to my night. We went to dinner and then for latenight drinks. It was one of those first dates for the books. He followed all of my rules, with the exception of one. He behaved like a perfect gentlemen the whole night. We went to devon seafood gril and to spy bar, because he thought I would like it. It was a very interesting evening. He is a nice guy, so we will see where this goes, but I am not holding my breath.

Playing with emotions

It has come to my attention that I am angel. Fine, if I am an angel why do I keep finding devious men? Why can't I find the true love that I want?
I have never had a problem meeting men, I just keep meeting the wrong ones. I know what I want out of a guy and what I don't want, so why can't I find it? Either he is too distant or too close. I want, and I am sure many other women want, a man who is consistant or some where in the middle.
I think I have finally found what I am looking for in a man. He is sweet, kind, honest, and he knows what he wants. He tells me that he wants me and that he wants to be with me, but there is a part of me that is scared of the feelings that he has, because I have been hurt in the past. I am not sure if they are real, but if they are real I hope he is not just playing with my emotions. If he is, I hope he gets what's coming to him. I only have a little faith in men left in me, so I hope this is real.
When men play with our emotions, they just don't know that they are skating on thin ice. Men say that don't like head games but they are the main game players. They say they want honesty but they would not know the truth if it bit them in the ass. They say " I love you " but do they really know what that word means.
I love you means this: unconditional, compassion, willing to help, love with out fault, and being there even if you don't want to be there, I love you simply means, I love you for who you are, not for what you have, orfor what you bring, it means I love you just because you complete me in all ways that count.

Lonelyness and a Prayer

Being lonely can be discribed in two different ways, one meaning not having someone to share your life with, or two not being able to appreciate your own company.
Ask your selves where do you fit, is it one or two?
I am in the first one, because I love myself and I don't need anyone around me to make me feel complete. I do, miss the comany of a man, because let's face it I am human. Sometimes when we are lonely it is because thats how we chose to be, because like me, we all have friends and loved ones we can turn to when we are down. It is just up to us to use the help when we know we have it.
So,look at your life as I look at mine and see how many people you have that you can count on. If you have more than 8 or maybe 5 than you have no reason to feel lonely. You should treasure and love those who make you happy, talkto them when you feel down, or even just sitting next to someone and have them listen to you can do wonders for the soul.
So, if you ever find your self lonely and need a friend, remember my loves if I am around you will never be lonely again. Also remember this if you feel lke life is too hard, remember God is on your side ad he always will be.
Here is a prayer from my lips to gods ears.
May god bless you everyday and keep you safe. May he watch over you as you sleep, travel, or when you are just un aware. May he always be by your side through your darkest hour just as I am with you. May he cast out your fears of lonelyness and replace them with contentment. May he open your eyes to the ones whom have harmed you and left you feeling weak and unloved. May God bless you and keep your heart full of passion for him, your self, friends, family, and those you chose to let in. I pray for peace for all those I care for, because with out peace there would be no love or forgiveness.
- Amen

Pass it on, and maybe take in advisement for your self.

You've paid your dues and you have nothing elese to prove. The the results of your efforts speak for them selves. Don't dirty your hands with idlel,trendy, or high maintenance indulgences like lovers who don't want or even know how to give back or when for that matter.
Take the time to nuture the finer things in your life, that faithfully satisfy multiple senses. Set aside a comfort zone that is meant for your stress relief. Like a home retreat or a mind altering area that can help clear your mind. A place where you can pray and get intouch with what matters most,
Lastly, maintain self confidence, self control, independence, and learn and respect the art of being alone. Because until you can, how can you ever appreciate the company of another.

A little something for everyone

Here is a little advice for the ladies and the gents.
If you guy or girl is walking over your heart you need to put a stop to it. If he or she thinks they can use you and then toss you aside, you need to put your foot down and tell them who the real boss is. If he or she is makeing you feel like everything you are doing is never enough, then tell them that there are plenty of people who will take you as you are. Never let a man or a woman make you feel like you are not enough. Never let them take advantage of your good nature. Never take their crap because onece you do there is no turning back.
Once you find that special person treat them like gold. Tell them how you feel and never underestamate the power of your words. Don't lie about what your doing and never lie about something that will come back to bite you in the ass. Lies get you no where with anyone you care about.
Be honest, kind, loyal, and loving to the men and women in your lives because before you can find that special one for you, you have to appreciate those who are willing to be around you now. -xoxoxo

My friends

The damage is done, so why do we not except the healing to begine? We want to be looked at as strong independent people, but in every person there is a great weakness. We all struggle, but if we keep it tucked away inside where no one can see, there for they can not help, how is that helping us at all? We should share our fears, dreams, and misunderstandings with the people who we know will never turn their backs. Opening up is a very hard thing for some of us to do, but we must do it in order to grow in our faith and in our selves. As MLK Jr onece said " none violence none violence," I think that with out a little violence and conflict we all would be holding on to things or people we know we should let go of. God wants us to love thy neighbor and forgive thy enemy, but that can be hard for some of us to do if we can't do it for our selves first. So the next time you are hurting share because if you don't how can anyone help? The next time you feel like you are falling, reach out because there will always be someone to pull you back. The next time someone reaches out for you, reach back because if not you will find your self roaming alone. Remember this my friends love can fade but, friendship, loyalty, and trust will never fade from those who truly are your friends.

Thoughts on thoughts

People change and everthing stays the same, but how will we ever forget all the pain? We try to be strong and we try to move on, but is it ever really worth our worth? We say we forgive and we say we understand, but we are only human, so how can we really understand the human condition? So keep your hearts pure and never let the unseen hate and torment out on to those who un-willingly let you into their hearts and thoughts. Your words can cut and your actions can leave unforgiveable scars but know this, if you love with out doubt and with out fear you will never hurt those you keep you near. So to the people I adore I love you all freely and with out want.

Hmmm.. will they ever change?

I know i said a while back that i was not going to send out any new post, but i just could not help my self.

Have you ever looked at your self and asked, why do i put up with things that i know i should not? Well, I have, and for some reason i keep on putting up with the crap. I know a few other people like this as well. I don't know why we keep putting up with the promise of change, holding on to hope that maybe just maybe one day things will change. I don't know if that makes us weak or stubborn. Is it wrong to want good things for the people in our lives? Is it wrong to want to see them grow and become the person you know they can be, if they only tried? I don't think it is wrong, because in making them better, it works out for us as well. When you want your friends to be better and stronger is that a selfish thing? I think not, because friends should always want the best for each other. 

Look at me I am a kind sweet, honest, loyal, and loving friend. I would hope that the people in my life would see that and appreciate me for the person that i am. I have to learn when to say or tell people when they are pissing me off or when they have hurt my feelings. I am going to say this, i am getting tired of being the one to reach out and put myself out there for people who don't care.

Now, to all the "men" in the world that might expect me and the women like me to roll over and give in, let me tell you, enough is enough. 

I had a guy friend that i use to date tell me that the reason he is and was an ass to me was, because i am too nice. I think that is a bunch of B.S. So, basically he was telling me that if i were to act like a cold hearted snake then he would have treated me better. Since when does being sweet mean being open to the a-holes in the world. I don't get it if we ask too many question you " men" tell us to mind our own business, but if we don't ask enough you take that as us saying that we don't care. You "men" need to make up your minds about what you want, how you feel, and be straight forward and honest with the women in you lives. If you just want to be friends, say it and don't try to use us when it is only for your pleasure, if you want a friends with benefits thing, that fine to just tell us, but it you don't know what you want you need to let us know so that our hearts wont get hurt.

I am done. I am tired of the "men" and there games. I have decided to be alone until i am ready to put myself though anymore pain. I am going to spend time with my female friends and i am also going to spend time with me male friends, because they help me in ways that they don't even know. It is one thing to have a female friend but when you have a guy friend and a real guy friend they know just what to do and say to make you feel better. They know how to make you laugh and they might even let you yell at them when you are pissed at the guy that you like but are not talking to at the moment.

Here is something for all the men to to keep in mind:

If you are dating or interested in someone let them know how you feel, spend time with them, and don't ever neglect them. I say this because a female friend will always be there for you, but not in the same way a partner will be. Also, keep your female friends close or at least your real ones, because they will tell you when you are messing up, but only if they have your best interest at heart. Never let any woman in your life that you claim to care about feel like they are a red headed step-child, because if you do one day you will look up and they will be gone and you will be left wondering why.

xoxoxo

My last sent blog

This is going to be my last sent blog for a while. I write my blogs so that people can read and keep up with me and what ever ramblings i have going on in my head. Some of my thoughts are deep and some of them are a little on the crazy side, but hey that's just how i am.

I am going to be making a few changes in my life. I am going to start looking at some of my " so called friends" to figure out if they are really friends. I am doing this because i don't have the time for fake and careless feelings. I don't like spending time with people who really don't care if i am there or not. I want to be around friends who care, who are sincere, and who will be there for me as i will always be there for them. I am a very good person, i have a kind heart,and i don't like my kindness to be taken advantage of. I don't want people calling me because they think they have to or because it is the right thing. I don't want to feel like an obligation, because that's not how friends should be with each other.

What makes for a true friend, well i will tell you. A true friend calls just to chat, not when they are lonely or when they want something. A true friend listens no matter how difficult the subject is, because that's what they are there for. A true friend shows how he or she feels, because if not how would we ever know that they care. A true friend male or female will open their hearts and let you in, because they know that you will never hurt them. A true friend will tell you when you are being selfish, closed minded, and cold. A true friend will never make you feel unwanted and unloved.  A true friend is a friend that you can count on during hard times, because if they are not there during the bad why would you want them there for the good. I know i have posted about this before but i want it to sink in. So, if you are the kind of friend that i have listed above and you know it with out question, then i am sure you have others as well as my ever lasting love, loyalty, and respect. If you have doubts and are questioning your friendships then you need to make changes, or you will no longer be called my friend or anyone else's. 

I realized that i have more male friends than female and you would think with that many, i would never have guy trouble, but guess what, i do. If you look at my phone i have about 56 guys ( not including family). I have 24 females (not including family) i think that is kind of sad, but i get along with guys for some reason. 

I am going to be cleaning house with my phone and check to see if i even talk to all these people. I don't ever want anyone to feel neglected by me because i would not want to feel that. 

Well, i guess that's it. I will see you when i see you. Keep checking back, because you never know i might sneak some new post in and just not send them out

2 very different dreams

Is it possible to have two very different dreams in the span of 4 hours? Yes, because it happened to me last night.

I had one dream about two of my friends and myself. It was strange because one friend did not know how to behave. I mean it was so bad that this person did not know what to say, where to sleep, or how to act around us. I guess they did not want to set a poor example, but i don't think that was the case and neither did the other person that was there. The only thing this person did was provide us with hours of entertainment. 

That was one dream and when i woke up i was laughing, because it was just that funny. Now, the other dream was not funny or exciting. This dream made me question my state of mind. 

I know that it was a dream, but it involved people that i love and people that i have lost.

As some of you may know, i lost someone very close to my heart in the beginning of the year. I have gotten past the lost and from time to time i miss being able to share my thought with her. She was always there for me when i needed her and i will always miss her. That's why this dream hit me a little hard, because it was about her and my grand mother. 

The dream started like any other day. I was in the house and i went to the bedroom and there she was lying in the bed, dead with out a breath in her. I started screaming, because i wanted to know how was this happening and why. I called my aunt, my cousin, and uncle but before they all got there, she woke up like she was just taking a nap. She sat up and looked at me and asked me what was wrong? I did not or could not say anything. I could hardly catch my breath. I fell back on the floor and kept peeking around the door at her. I heard my aunt come in down stairs, so i got up and ran down to get her. I told her what was going on and she did not believe me. Why would she believe me, because that was crazy. I brought her up stairs and let her see for her self. When we got to the door there she was like nothing happened. My aunt gasped and grabbed me and took me down stairs. I went in the room to check on my grandmother and she was not breathing, She was in her bed cold and blue.  I screamed for my aunt and she came in the room and saw what i saw. She snatched me out and set me in the chair in the hall. All i could do was look and rub my arm. I got up and was going into the hall and saw my aunt( who is supposed to be dead) coming down the stairs. I had a attack with out words. I went into the front room and set in the window to try figure out what the hell was going on. I called my other family and screamed into the phone and with in ten min they were there. When they got there i could not speak all i could do was point. They went in the room and saw my aunt and grandmother. A few min later i heard a thud and a scream. My aunt and grandmother came walking out like nothing was wrong.

 Thats when i woke up. I turned over and fell on the floor..  I know that this was a dream but what the hell. 

That's it no more brownies for me after midnight.

My new friend

Ok. So, i know it is late but i can not sleep. I met this guy and he has a 15 year old son that lives with him full time. As you all know i love kids, so this would be new for me. i never had to deal with a teenager before.

This guy has been talking to me for a while now and we went to brunch on sunday. He is sweet, kind, he makes me laugh , and as some of you know i need to laugh to forget about things. His name is Craig, but i call him John (that's his middle name) because i can only have the same name in my phone twice with out getting confused. He helps me to forget about the things that are bothering me and i like that. He calls me to see how i am at least once a day since last week. He says he wants to get to know me and see where things go, but i am not sure if he can be trusted. He called me yesterday and we talked for about an hour or so and again tonight for 2 hours. He is being very consistent and i like that, because no one likes to be left in the dark or have the feeling of not knowing what's coming next.

I don't know what to do, because my heart is still hurt and i am still crying at night before i go to sleep. He knows what i have been through and he said that he wants to be my friend, but i know that he likes me. I am so conflicted with my feelings. When i talk to him i laugh, but then i cry, because i think about all the lose and pain that i have been through. He said that sometimes it is good to have a guy to talk to, but for a man who does not know me that well, he has shown me that he really cares about me. I don't get to see him that much, but he finds the time to talk to me on the phone or by email. I know it might sound strange but he makes me feel wanted, if that makes sense. He told me that i make him smile when we are on the phone and when he thinks about me.

I just don't know how to feel or even how to process what i am feeling right now. The one thing i do know, is that out of all my male friends he has been the only one to call me just when i need it the most. It is kind of weird, because it is like he is in my head. When ever i feel like i cant take it or like i am going to cry he calls. Oh well, i guess i just have to wait and see what happens next. I hope it is something wonderful, because i don't think i could survive any more pain.

-xoxoxo

Dazed and Confused

Dazed and confused, i keep my mind on the things that i want, but sometimes it is so hard to stay straight. I keep falling but i pick myself back up again and just when i think i have my balance, down i go again. I try to keep my composure and let people see the things in me that i want them to see. I have strict rules on how i live my life and how i play my games. I don't do things that i use to, because i think i am too old for the bull, but lets face it sometimes going out and dancing with strangers has its advantages after a stressful week. Praying helps, but sometimes it is not enough. I have forgotten what it is like to go out and lose myself in the music. I am a lot more careful about the things that i do know, because i want to be a respectful young lady. I miss the rush of meeting new people that i don't have anything in common with but, that night we danced until 2 am. Its not about sex, because i don't do such things with strangers and i still don't, but a kiss sometimes here and there is not that bad. I have met some of my best friends dancing the night a way, and you know what, they have turned out to be really cool people during the daylight hours.

Sometimes i miss my Gothic days, because i think then i was much happier. I think at that point in my life, i had more fun and did not care what people thought of me. I was in my black, purple and blue from head to toe and you know what, i was so comfortable that way. My plaid skirts and black shirts with tall heeled boots mad me feel so free...I would get up and sing and let all my feelings come out of me and that's when my voice showed through. I still had my faith back then, its just i did not focus on it that much. I went to church on Sundays and choir practice three days a week and i was never late, rude, and you know what i was always happy to be there. I went to catholic schools and during the day i was a sweet girl, but my friends and i thought that we could be bad at night. I had my fare share of fun and games and now when i look back i am great full that i did not follow through with some things, because if i did i don't think i would miss it today.

Dazed and confused, that's where i am at this point of my life. I am a sweet girl that has a fun dark side, without evil intentions. I just like to dress my own way and sing with out any regret. As i think about it more i don't think i would have the job that i have or the friends that i have, because i don't think they would be so excepting of me in that way.  

I love my life. Well, sometimes i do. If you come to my home at night, i promise  you these two things and only these, you will catch me singing and getting my voice back to were it use to be and cooking, because that's what i love to do.

To end my night i say a prayer and have an hour of quiet time before bed.

As i go back over this i realized that i am more dazed about how much i have changed then confused.

To the heart-breakers in the world you know who you are!

Selfish and rude, 

cruel and self-absorbed, 

All of these things you are, because you are a fool.

You claim your a lover, but all you really are is a rejector.

You say you have a heart, but really and truly all you have is a stone

in the place where your heart should be.

So, swallow your pride and realize who you really are.

Don't be offended when people turn their backs, cross their arms, and 

really see you for the man you really are.

disliked, unkind, friendly ( when it suits you), and a world class JACK-ASS

My strange er night

I think life is so funny. The reason i think this way is because the people who you think wont lift a finger to help you, they show you that they can be good people. Well at least for a short period of time they act like they once loved you. The person i am talking about treated me so badly to the point were i did not ever want to see him again and i thought he felt the same way. I guess he proved me wrong.

I had to go to the hospital and a friend of mine went with me even though she had to go to work the next day. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me and how thankful i am that she was with me.

Anyway, i am ok. I was in the hospital until about 3am or something like that. My friend left early, because she had to get some rest so that she could go to work. I sat there waiting for the doctors to make up their minds on what to do with me. They went back and forth trying to figure out what would be the best treatment for me. They found out that i had some kind of viral infection, so they gave me antibiotics and morphine for the pain even thought i was not in that much pain. 

When it was time for me to go home they called my contact person and for some reason it was Joel a guy i was dating. He gave them his number when he took me to the hospital for food poisoning. I thought i changed it back, but i guess i did not. I did not want him to come get me but i called other people and they were either busy or sleep. I had no choice but to go home with the one person who i did not want to see again.

He got to the hospital and i signed myself out and they rolled me to the car. The whole ride home was silence. I guess i was more confused then anything. I kept thinking why did he tell them he would come and get me and why did i give in so easily. I guess i was ready to go home so i did not care who it was.

When he got me home he had to carry me up the stairs, because i was out of it from the morphine they gave me. He helped me into bed and into my pj's and he slept in the other room. I was worried, because if he wanted to he could have done anything to me and i could not have stopped him. I don't like it when i am like that with people i don't trust, and with him he lost my trust when he broke me. Well, let me get back to my night of craziness.

I think it was around 4am when i started to itch, i guess it was because the drugs were wearing off . Joel came in the room and wiped my arms and legs off with a warm face towel. I guess in a way he showed me that he could be sweet, but in my eyes he will always be an ass. He might have been there for me in the way that a friend or boyfriend  should have been, but he is now and never will be anything like that to me again. 

I guess people have a way of showing you that they can be kind. I just hope he did not think that just because he was nice to me for a few hours, that i was going to forgive the mean things that he said. I hope that this does not make him think that he has an opening back to my heart, because that will never happen.

I am thankful that my friend was there for me when i knew that she did not have to be and i am also in a strange way thankful for my ex-bf for being there when i knew he could have just as easily said no.

Rain

Below are lyrics from a song i love called Rain by Patty Griffin. I like this one particular verse, because it is something that i think we have all been through and thought about.

So, read the words and think about them, is this the way you want your life to be? Is this how you want people to think about you? 

I know i have had to give up on something or someone, and it is hard to do, but if i did not let them go i knew i could never find what or who is right for me. 

The forth and  fifth lines  means something to me , because i don't want to have to force something that is not meant for me. If it is meant for me and i let it go it will find its way back home to me. 

I think that is something we all should think about, before we do something that we cant take back.

(Its hard to know when to give up the fight

Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live)

the people in my life

All of my friends play an important part in my life weather they are here with me or if they are far away. I love each of them differently and i treat them all different. I guess it is fare, because all my friends treat me differently also. I have a few who treat me like i am a baby and like to do everything for me. I have others who make me do things because they know if i am not pushed i wont do anything. I also have friends who forget that i am a grown woman and not a child, they tend to think i don't know what's going on but i know more than they think. I think there are people who come into your life for a reason and the friends that i have, have made my life a lot more interesting even if they have brought there own drama to my door.

There are also people in my life that i could not help but to be related to, and some of them can drive me mad. I mean is it or is it not bad when you have family that can make you literally ill?There are some people in my family that if i am around them for too long, i want to cut my wrist just to get away from there relentless drama. 

I have family members that i would do anything for because we are just that close.My cousins or so overprotective of me, don't get me wrong i love them for that, but it can cause me to keep thing from them. They don't want me to hurt anymore then i have already. I have one cousin in-particular  who would hurt anyone and i mean anyone who she thought was using me, mistreating me, or putting their hands on me. I call her my "other mother" even though i am 1 1/2 years older.  I cant always tell her what's going on because i don't want her to get her brother (my other cousin who babies me) to do anything crazy. Susan would leave her job to check up on me if she thinks something is in her words "shady" or if she thinks i am hiding something. I love her dearly for that. I think that when i do get married the guy is going to have to talk to her first, thats how protective she is about me. 

I have friends and family that i am the same way with. I don't want anyone i love or care about in any way to get hurt, because when they hurt so do i. I am no fighter but if you push me to far you will see what this little lady can do. I have a friend in new york that i have not seen in so long, but we talk everyday. She tells me about her drama and i tell her mine and we just laugh and cry sometimes for hours. I have another friend, but i consider her family because i have known her for 23 years. We talk twice a week about friends, family, work, and our personal lives. I have friends who live in florida who i kind of miss, but not so much were we talk everyday. I love to know that i have friends that i can talk to everyday, because i know that it helps me and it also helps them. I have friends i know i can depend on and i know i have "friends" that don't really care if i leave them or not.

If you want to know something about me it is this, don't be fake, don't hide from me, don't underestimate my ability to figure things out, and don't ignore me. If you do, i will act like i don't know you and you will basically be dead to me. 

How to have unconditional love

I spend a great deal of time reading books pretaining to the way people think. I do it to better understand myself and other people's way of thinking. I came across a great book recently and thought I might share some of the key components to learning how to love someone unconditionally. This may or may not help those out there who have a tough time getting what they feel they "require" in relationships.

First off, start with the basics of a finding a new person or the foundations of an existing relationship. What are some of the factors that attract people to one another? We arent talking just relationships that involve sex. I am talking friends, significant others, and family members. So what makes you want to have a relationship with any of these people? personality, hobbies, intelligence(holding a conversation with interest) and in mating relationships physical attraction, etc.. Ok so you found someone who has all or most of these qualities. How do you keep a relationship from falling apart with unconditional love?

We all learn our demands for a trusting, loving, and sometimes sexual relationship from an early age through observation and the various life experiences we face. For example, my parents had a very distant relationship and never showed affection to one another and rarely showed it towards me. Because of this desire for affection I now demand(addicted to) receiving almost constant affection from the men I meet. If Im in public I love holding hands, if Im alone, I love to be held. When a man I am seeing neglects these types of affection even for logical reasons such as feeling sick, being tired, wanting alone time.. it sometimes causes me to become angry, upset, sad.. etc. So how would someone overcome such demands? It's all about changing the programming of your demands. Instead of saying to yourself "I DEMAND he show me affection all the time. Why is he acting this way?", try changing your thinking to "I would PREFER if he was affectionate all the time. But that is because I have programmed myself to be addicted to affection. He may want space right now or maybe he isnt an affectionate person."

So then how do you go about determining why the person does not want or act the same as you? Easy, you communicate with them and find out. Being completely open and honest with one another is the only way to decide if you accept them for who they are, and not how they want to appear to you, hence leading to unconditional love. People often cater to the needs of others, but when they do this just to satisfy you and not because they truly want to, they are hiding their real self from you.

Finally how do you ask someone why they want/act a certain way without causing them to become defensive? Try asking without nagging or accusing.

The wrong way- example: "why dont you want to hold me? Is there something wrong? I want you to hold me because I need it right now." This is nagging, followed by accusing, followed by demanding.
An approach like this will make the other person feel irritated, guilty, and controlled. You are basically telling them they are wrong for what they are doing and you are right. They may fullfill your need so you dont get angry,and you may feel like you love them for it, but how do you know if they are being themselves or simply portraying the person you want them to be? This will not get you the result you want in the long run. The other person will eventually resent you for making them do something they may "PREFER" not to do.

The Right way- "I really enjoy(prefer) holding each other when we watch tv. We dont have to tonight, but would you like to?" This is expressing your preference, allowing an option, followed by giving the person an opportunity to deny your preference without feelings of guilt.
This approach allows the other person to understand that it is something you prefer rather than demand. This gives the person the option to fullfill your preference to be held or if they do not wish to they will more readily explain in a completely, open honest way why they do not wish to cuddle,WITHOUT feeling pressured that you will be upset with their response. If they decide to change their current action from not holding you to holding you, they can do so without resentment.

You have to understand and accept that your own demands(needs) and your relationship partners' demands(needs) probably are different. The only way to over-come these programmed demands is to change them into preferences. When you prefer rather than demand it gives the relationship the opportunity to grow in a healthy way and you will feel satisfied and happy with the results. You cannot obtain happiness by having demands in your life and expecting others to fullfill them. You have to change those demands to preferences. Sometimes in long term relationships this may not be fixable if you or your significant other has always used a demand approach. Years of demands build a wall between getting to know someone for their true self and accepting them for it.. resentment has built up through the years and you or your significant other feel forced to hold-up this image of who you or they are rather than being themselves.

Unconditional love can only occur when you learn every aspect of the person through completely honest communication. Only then can you decide to accept the person for who they are. Too many people push through relationships like a bulldozer trying to fullfill every demand. You cannot ask someone to change who they are because you are telling them point blank you do not accept them. Feeling unaccepted again will lead to resentment and anger.

What does Love mean to you?

What does Love mean to you? Love means to me Doing hard things.

I thought about this for a while and the first thing that popped up in my head was Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Faithfulness. How do you know when you are getting these things from the person you are with? How do you know and trust that they are only with you? 

I looked back over my life and realized that i have known true love and that is a feel like no other. It is like you are not in your body and all you do is think of the other person. Some say when your young you don't know enough about love to really love but i honestly disagree. When you are with a guy and you are willing to take the bs that he gives you then you know that you are truly in love. When you will take up for him and have his back no matter what, then thats another sign. When you could see your self being there for him when he is not there for you, my dear i must say thats the man of your dreams. Love is a funny emotion, because it can make you do things you never thought you would do. I say this because i have done things that mad me question myself. When i was in love i did everything for this man. I cleaned, cooked, helped with his family, and i also put up with the lie's that he told me. I cared more for this man then i did myself and i know thats bad, but when i am in love and it is true thats how i am. I make sure my guy is happy at all time.My family told me that he was changing me, and that i was not being myself. They told me that i let his issues come before my own issues.

Well after years of doing hard things, I woke up one day and was not In Love with him anymore. It took something major to happen but i realized that we were not meant to be. Which was crazy since i never thought that would happen since we had some amazing time together and he would hold me down when he could also.Leaving him was the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. I still do love him as a friend. We turned out to be completely different people. I just wonder if there are guys out there who are willing to love the same way. 

He loved me, and i can honestly say that, but i was never number 1. I made him number 1 and i was number 2. I let him into my heart to the point of not caring anything else. I was number 1 when he wanted something from me but when i needed him the most he was not there. I don't regret loving him, because he helped me become the woman i am. We shared a loss that hit us both and that will always connect us.

Can you trust your love for someone 100%? Can you trust them enough to give it back you? I would love for that to happen to me, but the way the world/life is nothing is promised and you never know who you are dating. So tell me how you feel about Love and Relationships? 

Love is this amazing feeling it is something that can be great, but if not taken care of it can cut like a knife. Everyone should have a chance to feel what real love is. I know that for me, i have felt it and i can't wait to feel it again. Relationships are hard but if you don't work on them how are they going to work.

So, if you are dating someone let them know how you feel, tell them what's in your heart. 

Feelings

When someone hurts you how do you come back from that? Do you spend more time with friends and family or do you stay in your bed and eat your feelings away? I don't know how to respond to these questions, because if i did i think i would be feeling a little better.

Have you ever had someone to break you to the point when you don't realize that you are a mess?  I have and i thought that, because i have not known this person for that long that he did not have the power to rip me in two. I guess i was wrong, because he did. I have loved 4 people and only one of those 4 hurt me but i knew him for years. I knew the good, bad , and ugly. So, i was kid of expecting to get hurt at some point. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt because we were together for so long i had no choice but to be hurt and depressed. The others did not hurt me this bad, because i did not allow myself to be completely open with them. I did and still do love them but in very different ways.

I don't want this to break me and i don't want it to send down to a place where i have not gone in a long time.

I want to get pass this because if i don't my sadness is going to turn to hate and thats something i don't want to happen.

I am going to stay in my bed and eat and pray my emotions away. I am going to watch movies that make me laugh. I am going to get up take a shower and realize that tomorrow is another day for me to be thankful for.

So, if you call me and i am crying, that just means i thought about the person that hurt me. If you call and i sound angry, don't worry it is not because of you.

I don't ever want to give someone power over me that will use it to there advantage. 

Can't Stop Crying

It is so hard to deal with things when all you want to do is crawl under your sheets and cry. I don't know what is going on with me, I thought i was holding my self together but when ever i let my guard down i cry. I don't feel sad, but it is like all of a sudden i get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. It is so hard for me to show my emotions, because i don't want my friends see me cry..

When your heart is broken you don't really know what to do. I mean you try to go on with your day, and it just shows up like a bad dream. I thought i was ok, but i realized that i am not. I need to cry and let my feelings out, because if i don't i think it will end up depressed again and i don't want that..

I found these songs on my ipod and they just broke me into little pieces. One is called - hold you in my arms- by Ray LaMontagne and the other is Shelter by the same guy. I did not really know how heart broken i was until i heard these songs. I started crying and i could not stop. The messed up part about this, is that i keep playing them when i am home. I know that sounds like some kind of punishment but i cant help it. I would rather cry alone than with people around me, because i don't think they would understand where i am coming from.

I try to do things to get my mind off the sadness like shopping,eating,praying,talking to friends about their problems or just about things that are going on in their lives. I know that avoiding does not help, but i don't want to be a burden or call people in tears, when i know that they have their own problems.

I am good with helping others, but when it comes to fixing me i cant do it. I can stop the tears for a little while, but they always come back. I might look like i am ok but to tell you the truth i am not. I think i am more broken than ever.

I don't think there has been a night this past week that i have gone to bed happy. I have always gone to bed with tears in my eyes. I am glad i live alone, because some people might think i was crazy. 

How long does it take to get over a broken heart? How long will i cry? I don't know the answer to these questions, because each situation is different.

So, for now i guess i will spend time with friends and family and hopefully that will help heal my already fragile broken heart.

Read and Learn

To be or not to be the way we are...

I think that some people take that saying way to far. I say this because no matter how hard we try to be someone we are not someone always ends up getting hurt. when i say this i mean, that when we  women act like we don't give damn that's are way of protecting our selves from the cruelty of men. We tell them that it is ok and we act like what they don't bother us, and you know what that might be true but men tend to take that to the max. Just because we say we don't care, don't think that's an opening for you to tell us about the things you are doing when we are not around. I mean come on, don't you men know that women say that to see if we can trust you with our feelings. We women are delicate creatures and we are cautious of our hearts and who we give them to. That's why we might act like or try to be different from who we really are,because we don't want to be labeled as emotional or difficult.

Men i am not letting you off the hook either, don't think you are innocent, because you are not. Men are the main ones who do this. They come off so sweet and caring at first and then its a complete 180.  They say they love you, then they start treating us like ____. They say they can be loyal but be honest, men you can only be as loyal as you are faithful to the woman you are with. You tell us to give you time, but how much time is enough? Do you think that we have nothing better to do? Do you men think that you are the center of our world, because if that's the case you need to be slapped. We women are gifts from god and some of us do have problems but just because you have come across some bad apples don't make the rest of us suffer. Men you need to open your eyes and look at the beautiful women that you have around you. Look at them as gods special gifts for you and realize that if you treat them poorly then god will take your gifts as easy as he gave them to you. I think that as a man you should treat a woman the way that you would want a man to treat you daughter. I know that sounds strange but think about it, would you want your daughter to be walked over and have her feelings hurt? No. So,why do you treat women like this? Tell us the truth and don't worry we are big girls we can take it. Tell us what you want and don't want. Lastly don't CHANGE the way you are to make us happy and then when we are comfortable you switch back to the 

person you really are. If you have a woman in your life that you think might be the one for you, take my advice and be a man and tell her how you feel. Hold on to her, because she might just wake up and realize that you are not worth her time or heart.........

Women have a choice to stand by her man or to let him go, but sometimes that is easier said then done. 

As a woman i found myself in the same situations and let me tell you they can burn and make you shut down. I have male friends that i love dearly and i must say that if i could have an hour with them i would tell them about them selves. I would tell them not to take women for granted just because " there are more fish in the sea". I would also tell them that if the women in their lives are just friends, they should still treat them right, because they can walk away just the same.

Getting the bad news out the way sucks, even when you know it was inevitable.

OK, i could not sleep, because i had somethings on my mind. I know it is late but what can i say when my mind gets going, i cant stop it. I tried to work out to get the thoughts or stress out of my mind, but that really did not work.


When i am stressed i find my self being a little sleep deprived. I know that might not be the most healthiest thing but that's how i am. I tried to sleep, but that just had me tossing and turning. I got up and turned on my music and worked out for about 2hrs. When i got done i felt more awake than ever. I wanted to call someone to vent but i did not know who to call. So, i decided to blog it. I am going out this weekend with someone who i did not expect to hear from anymore and i don't know whats going to happen. Everything in me is telling me that is it not going to be good, and to be honest that's no surprise to me. I just wish it could be over like i thought it was any way. Why cant he just man up and tell me over the phone what i already knew? Why does he fill like he has to take me out to "officially" end it. When it has been over for a while now.


I am not saying that i have moved on, but i have gotten over the hurt a little. Why does he feel the need to make me hurt anymore? Why cant he just let things be? I think part of him wants me to act like a fool in public and the other part thinks he think i will fight to stay with him. If that's the case he is going to get a rude awakening. I might act a fool, but i don't want to be with him anymore.


I have one rule and that is, once you hurt me to the point when i want to cry all day and constantly, that's it and i am done with you. I might forgive later on down the road but i will never forget.


I guess i am getting what i deserve, because every bone in my body told me that he would hurt me, but he was so sweet, kind, and patient with me that i gave him a chance anyway. Look where that got me, no where special.


I know god has a plan for me, but why i am binging put through so much, when i am such a sweet and good person? I just want to scream sometimes!


A part of me wants to say fuck it( sorry for the bad words but when i am pissed that's what happens) but that's not me. I want to act like a bitch, because that's what guys seem to like. I say that because when you are nice to them they treat you like a door mat. I refuse to change the way i am! i am going to stay true to myself and maybe one day i will find the guy who will appreciate me for me, not for the person that i am not. .

27 years

As i look back over the past 27 years of my life, i realized that i have not done most of the things that i thought i would have done by now. traveling is one of those things and i must say that the only one i have stayed true to. I think that's they only thing i knew i would be doing at this point. I just did not know that i would be doing it alone.

I looked at some of the changes that i have made and realized that i am kind of happy that i am not where i thought i would be. I think that if not for some of the bad, i would be in a place where there would be no happiness. Where i would probably be a smoker and more of a drinker. I also know that the "too nice Tiffany" would no longer exist.

I thought i would be married by now, and i could have been but that would have been the most hateful and abusive marriage. I thought i would have kids by now and i would have had kids but i would not have wanted them to grow up in that kind of house hold. I would still be working and that's the only thing that i would be happy about. I would still have my faith in god but i would always be asking why.

I think it is funny how life can change in a blink of an eye. I mean all it took was one day a few years ago to change how my life is today. Do i regret what happened? I do but when i think about what could have been i am sorry to say i don't. Am i sorry that i finally stood up for myself not knowing what was going to happen next? No, because i am not a fighting person but when you push me too hard and too far i push back. If i could go back and do it all over again would i? Yes, because with out those experiences i would not be me. I would not be the person that stands up for her self and i would not know the people who have come into my life since.

So, 27 years and i have lived through pain,loss,deep depression, abuse, and a loveless heart. I have found out who i truly am and the kind of woman that i want to be but if not for those things i don't know if i could say that.

So, look back over your life and ask your self are you at the place where you thought you would be? Are you happy at this point in your life? Are there any significant things that happened to you, that made you the person that you are today?

What does your mirror tell you about you?

Have you ever taken a long look at your self in a mirror, if so what did you see? Was it a hansom or beautiful person, or was it someone that you did not recognise? What qualities make up who you are? Is is your good heart,kindness,your generosity, or is it your faith?
Close your eyes and look deep into your heart and try to see the goodness with in. Don't look at your self and only see the negative parts, look at the ones that make up who you are as a person. Look at the positive things that you have done with your life and for the people you love. Never let people make you feel like you are worthless, because we are all worth something to someone. However, you should never want to come across as an argent person either, because if you do you will forever be alone.
Take another look at your self and see the person that you want to be, is that person a god fearing person or a person without morals? Is that person full of hate, forgiveness, or self sacrifice?
Look into your brown, blue,green, or black eyes do you see a lost soul behind those eyes looking for salvation or do you see a lost child looking for love from another.
When i look into the mirror i see a woman who has been hurt,lied to, and betrayed by the people who claim to love me. I see a woman who has been pushed so close to the edge that, at any moment i could snap and become a person that people don't believe i could be. I am a loving person not a person who likes to fight.
If i could change one thing about me, that would be nothing. I like the person that i am, don't get me wrong i don't think i am perfect in any way. When i look at my self i see a person that people can trust. I see a good friend and a very good listener. I just wish some of my friends would stop treating me like i am a fragile doll. If anything I want my friends to treat me like i treat them. I want them to tell me whats going on in their lives without thinking that they are changing the way i think of them.
When i look at my self i see kindness, but don't forget that i am not angel. I know how to break people if need be and i know how to handle myself against the foolishness of this world.
This is how i see myself when i look in the mirror.So, tell me what do you see in your self?

why are men so complicated?

I think open communication is not too much to ask for, in fact i think it is the cornerstone to any relationship. Honesty and trust is another big thing in any relationship and i think it is a must. Keeping an open mind and heart can do wonders, if you are deserving. Making others feel like they have done something wrong, when it is you who are making the mistakes just makes you look like an ass. When i say relationship i am not just talking about dating, i am also talking about friendships. How do you expect for people to want to be around you when you treat them like they are worthless.
This goes for men and women, you should treat people the way that you would want to be treated. Let them know that you are a person that they can count on. Let them know that know matter what they tell you that you will be there for them and never turn away. Friends are hard to find, and for some of us they are hard to keep, so when you think you have found a good friend let them know.
Talking and sharing your feelings with another person can do wonders. It can make you feel better and it will make your friend feel like they made a difference in your life. Locking your self down just because you think you can is not acceptable in any situation. Binging rude and inconsiderate to the people in your life is just another way of saying that you don't and probably never gave a damn.
Take me for example-In the relationship that i was in, it started off so sweet and wonderful. It almost seemed to good to be true. I guess i was right, because when we were pushed and put into a situation of grief and pain. i found out that all men, including the one i was with, are just babies and they don't know how to handle them selves under pressure. Men seem to think that it is easier to blame others for what they do.
They think it is ok to say that they only did something, because you (the woman) wanted to. I think that is a cop-out and a selfish way to be. Like i said before men are like big kids looking for a mother. They say they want to be loved, but are they willing to love back? I think so but on there own terms. They say they are good men, but you just have to deal or put up with there shit until they decide on who they want to be with. Is that right? Hell no, because we are all adults and we should know what we want and if not we need to think before we jump.
Women have feelings and sometimes they do get the best of us, but nine times out of ten we have a right to be emotional. Do we want attention from the man that we are with or our male friends? Yes, but not so much when it feels like we are being smothered. Do we need honesty and respect? Yes, because with out that what else do we have. Women can we give our selves to men fully? No, because just when you think it is safe to let down the wall, they do something dumb. Women do we want to give a man everything that we have? Yes, because that's how we are. We want to love passionately,unconditionally, and we want the man that we are with to know that they have all of us.
To all the women out there keep a few things in mind, and remember that things do get better in time.
1.we are all special and we deserve the best not the lest from a man.
2.Don't expect something from a man when you know that he is incapable of it.
3.Don't feel bad when you fall for the ass of the world, just look at it as a learning experience. 4.Lastly don't give up, because mister right is out there, he just has not let you yet.
5.Have a little faith that one day you will be happy

Life is what happens when your?

I was talking to a friend of mine and we were going over the random things that have happened to me over the past 13yrs since she has known me. I never really thought about it until now but a few of those random things could have killed me. I know that i picked a strange time to bring this up but today we were talking about it an we laughed, because she asked me if i was cursed. I don't believe in that, but it is something to think about. Lets run down a list of things that have happened to me.
1. a car crash on January of 04. my father and i could have been killed but we lived thanks be to god. i figured it just was not my time or his. I knew we could have been killed because he saw the same type of accident and no one survived.
2.a series of fires that happened in the same year lead to one that also could have killed me. it was march of 05. One person was killed and several injured. Again i said it was not my time, because that one was close.
3. a hostage situation on thanksgiving of 06.I had just gotten home a week or so before that when a man decided that just because a baby was crying he could not take it any more. i had to walk out of my building hands held high and about a block to get into my cousins car. . That was a sad day, not because of me but because of the evil that some people have in their hearts.If you are sad and want to kill your self be my guest but don't take Innocent people with you.
I think god puts us through things just to see what we can a can not handle. He protects his children from harm and danger. I believe that, because there have been times when i know that i could have been taken away. I am grateful for the things and the people that i have in my life and i don't think i could ask for anything more. I think the things that have happened to me and to all of us make us stronger people.
So, be blessed and grateful for every day, because only god knows when our time is up.
I pray to god every day that i do the best that i can and that i make the right decisions. I pray that my heart can be open to love those who have hurt me and forgive those who have wronged me. I pray that my friends and family don't take things for granted that they should not, because anything or anyone can betaken away in a blink of an eye. Most importantly i pray for the life that god gave me, because with out the obstacles that i have gone through ( only 3 of my readers know about all of them) i don't think i would be the person that i am today. So, i thank god for making me the person that i am.With no complaints or arguments i keep going and i think you all should do the same.

one can't play this game pt 2

Logic and reason go out the window when we think we have found the one. The one that we think is good for us and the one we think we can help. Yes, he has his down falls and yes he might not be perfect but for some reason we can not let him go. He might say one thing and mean another or he will flat out lie, just because he thinks he can. He might say the right things to keep us around, but sooner or later ladies we are going to have to put the men in there places. 

Men this goes for you to, women are not the only ones who put their faith and heart into the one they want to be with. You men just have an ass backwards way of doing things. Men no more games, unless you are willing to lose everything.

We all have our short comings and we all have something in us that the opposite sex is looking for. God made each one of us. He did not make us all the same, but at the same time he made someone that we are compatible with. He is not going to let this person into our lives until we learn how to live,love, and care for our selves. He would not and will not bring that person into our lives knowing full well that we are just going to hurt them. He will not let that person come into our lives knowing that they are going to pulled down into our own personal hell. God loves all his children and wants us to be happy.

Can love and lust make us crazy? I think it can, because sometime they get confusing in our minds and hearts. Can our emotions make us weak for the ones that might not deserve our hearts? Yes and no depending on who that person is and if you think he/she is worth the pain that might come along. Will we all fall in love? Oh god i hope so, because i don't want to walk this world alone. Is it right for us to make others feel bad, because someone else makes us feel like we are important when knowing there are others in our lives who do the same thing? No, everyone in our lives gives us something different and make us feel loved. 

Don't make promises you cant keep and don't make others feel like they are useless just because they are not following you around like a pup or making you top priority. 

No one person can love and care for you like god does. so, stop looking and maybe, just maybe that whom ever he/she might be will come to you ready and willing. 

One can't play this game

The number one question is this, can you be open and honest with the person that you claim you want to be with?

Honesty, is the best policy. Telling people what you want from them with out playing the head games, thinking they know what you are thinking is a cruel joke. Making them think that you want more from them, when you cant even find your ass is even worse. Leading, manipulating, lying, and secrets can make people question you and your state of mind. Talking and being  honest can get you along way with me or anyone else that i know. Relationships regardless if they are dating/friendships are built on knowing that you have a person there that you can share almost anything with.

Relationships are hard enough in the world that we live in. Don't mess them up by bringing sex into the play unless you and the other person both know what is going on in the others head. Sex is a way of hiding when you don't want to talk about what's going on in your life. It is an escape that some men/women use when they don't know what they want but they know they want sex. When you are friends and i have friends that i just call friends, i don't use them for sex when ever i feel the need. I don't play with their feelings because i know that it can come back to bite me. If i want something more from a friend i have the guts and tell them, i don't just assume that they know what i want. The whole friends with benefits thing only works when you both know what's going on.

So, if you are one of these people that i am talking about, then tell the other what you want before it is too late and they end up hating you.

Obstacals

Life gives us obstacles that we have to go through every day of our lives. I think that it is up to us to figure out weather or not we do the right things. 

No one person is better than the next, and no one person can make decision for you but you. Everything that we do to, say to, and how we treat the people who come into our lives and or to the people who are already in our lives  says a lot about  our personality. If a friend helps you do you say thank you? i would hope so, because that is the right and gracious thing to do. If they do something for you that they did not have to do, do you appreciate them? Yes, because they could have said no. When you need help (we all need help) you know that there are people in your corner who you can turn to for help is a good thing, because some people  do not have that. Obstacles in families, jobs, relationships, and personal trials are just a few examples. Some we/you go through a lone and some might take a little extra help from others , because like i said before no one person is perfect.

Say thank you to the people that help you.

Tell the people who help that you appreciate them for what they do for you.

Understand that when they do something for you, it is not to make you happy, but they do it because they care for you and want the best for you.

Tell your friends that you love them, because sometimes they need to know it and hear it from you.

Have respect for, be honest to, and treat the people that you love or claim you love well, because one day you might just look up and they will no longer be there.

Obstacles, they come in many shapes and forms. All we can do is pray, be patient, and hope that we make the right decisions.

( To all the people who have helped me, i say thank you, i love you, and always remember i will be there for you when you need me like you are there for me)

a dream from hell

I had a dream last night and it scared the living hell out of me. I went to bed at 3am after what i thought was a good day. I spent time with a friend we laughed and talked about things that made us feel a little depressed and happy. 

Things were going well until i got home. I spent a little time online getting things set up and seeing if everything was they was it was supposed to be. 

I got settled into bed and everything went down hill from there. I had a dream that mad me literally jump out of my sleep. 

I was working with my friend in a church, but it was not really a church. We were talking and laughing with each other, if anything i can say that maybe, i was a little to happy. There were other people there that i knew but only in the dream not in real life. There was a scene that faded in and out. It was  me with my mother suddenly, she was a little older and she kept telling me that she loved me and that she was happy that i did not give up on her. That happened a few times throughout out my dream. I faded back into my friend and i. We where getting a long better than i think we do in real life ( that i think is weird but what ever). We where in my house laughing, playing, and just being happy with each other. There was nothing sexual about it at all, it was just two friends having fun together. I faded back to my mom and it was the same as before nothing new. When i picked back up to my friend and i we were both getting into shady looking car's. He was driving on the side of me making faces and making me laugh ( we both did that back and forth). I was so happy and i thought that was a good thing but what happened next hurt me to my core. Some how we ended up going our separate ways and i was still happy and i had this strange feeling like there was a baby in the back seat of my car but i never really confirmed that. I think i drove for about 10 or 15 min when out of no where a man was standing on the corner in white shoes, blue jeans, a blue and red jersey with numbers on it, and a ear ring in his ear. When i woke up i could still see his face clear as i am alive. He looked at me dead in my eyes and he shot the front end of my car and it exploded with me inside. I could hear the gunshot as if it were right next to my head. I jumped up out of my sleep and i could hardly catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack. Why would i dream something like this? Why would my friend make me so happy but then i end up dead in the end? We got along fine and i know it did not have anything to do with him, but why would he be the one making me happy and in the end i lost my life? I love my friend and i want him to be happy and i want to be happy also, so that's why i was happy that we were both happy in my dream. My friend is kind, sweet, understanding, and a very good person. He is there for me when i need him, that's the problem why would i associate him with a painful death. What does it mean? is someone going to hurt me and i am not going to be able to come back from it? Is a new love in my life going to put my life in danger? Is my friend going to turn on me and hate me to the point when i feel like i want to die? I don't know what to think, i just want clarity.

-dazed and confused-

Marriage

Marriage can be a hard thing to make work but if you put your whole heart into it, anything is possible. Marriage is about two people coming together to make a whole. It is about bringing the best and worst of two people together and making significant unit that can withstand anything that tries to pull them apart. No one person is better than the next and that is what marriage should never be about. It is about the completion of your self through another person, not because you have to but because you want to.

When look at your future husband/wife you should see the things that you would see in your self plus many other thing. Your spouse should not be your twin, because none of us are suppose to marry our selves, if we did that would make for a boring marriage.

Marriage is about love,commitment,honesty,loyalty, and sacrifice. It is about getting to know each other and growing with and old with one another.

(Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).)

When i get married i would hope that he is kind,caring, honest,loyal, and knows who he is and where he comes from. I would hope that he would teach me how to be a better person and make my faith in god grow stronger. I am just like every other woman that i know. We want a man who wants us for who we are not what we have.God knows who we are and he knows what we want or need to be better people. it is up to us to live by his word and do what he ask of us.If we do this, then he will bless us to find the person that he wants us to be with.

(I got an email from a friend of mine and that's why i was inspired to write this. So, to a new friend that has graced me with her presence and insight, i say thank you.)

whats your bliss?

you live and you learn by experiencing new and interesting things in life. Can you honestly say that you have lived the life that you always wanted? Can you honestly say that you put your best foot forward? I would hope so because if not, maybe you have not lived the kind of life that you wanted or think you deserve. I don't care what job you have, but if you are not happy with what you are doing then you are only doing it to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, paying the bills are important, but i think if you can do what makes you happy then you should.
Living life is about taking chances, making big or small risks, and doing the unthinkable. Life is about making friends and making sure that they are the ones you want to be around you. If you are lucky enough to have 6 very good friends and if you know that they will have your back no matter what, then you are doing better than most people. If you can say that you are happy at least 3 days out the week, than more power to you. Life is not about being happy 24/7 it is about knowing that you are doing your best. Some people say that their bliss comes from how much money, how their homes look, or if they have the spouse of their dreams. I think that your bliss should come from what makes you happy.
My bliss comes from my faith in knowing that there is someone out there looking out for me and knowing that i am a good friend. My bliss also comes from when i sing and paint. I have not painted in along time and not a lot of people know that i like to paint and that is because i keep it to myself. My bliss comes from a place in me that i rarely let people into, because it is for me.
What is you Bliss? Is it painting, reading,writing,your job, your children, or many there things that i can name.What (other than money) makes you Happy?

Ope Your Eyes

Open your eyes to all the possibilities that life has to offer you.

Open your eyes to see what your heart really wants and close it to what you think will make you happy.

Open your eyes and realize that God has a plan for you and all you have to do is sit back, be patient, and wait for it.

Open your eyes and see that the people around you love you for who you are not what you have, might have in the future,or the things that you are going to have.

Open your eyes and see that if you treat people like they are Shit, i grantee that's how you are going to be treated.

Open your eyes and see that with out honesty all you have are lies.

Open your and see that when you say " I Love You" and don't mean it, you are not only hurting someone else, but you are also putting your life in danger.

Open your eyes, heart, mind, and soul, because you never know when a good thing is going to come your way.

This is the real me!

Lately i have been taking a long look at my self and my personality. I don't know if it is because someone told me that i was not being true to myself or was it because it seems like i am not getting what i put out into the world.


Sometimes i feel like i don't fit into the place that i am in right now. i feel like i am living a life that someone else should be living. I love my friends and my family, but sometimes i feel like i am not being the person that i want to be. I feel like i am being someone else to make others happy. When i am at home and alone i feel like i am the only one on the planet and nothing else is even around me. I feel like the people that i let in don't get me and that's ok but sometimes it can feel so lonely. I feel like at times that i am not exceeding the expectations that people have for me and i feel bad about that, because i don't want to let them down. I feel like i have to be this sweet person 24/7 when half the time i wish i could say whats really on my mind with out the fear that i will be disliked. i wish i could be like some people that i know and not give a damn what people think about me. I say that i don't care what people think and i don't depending on who you are and if i care about you and your thoughts.


when i do break down and let people into my world it is hard because they don't always turn out to be the people i think they are. it is hard for me to let people in because i don't want to be hurt or let down. I don't want them to pretend to care when they don't, because that just make s me feel used and makes me want to shut down even more.


when i love, i love fiercely and unconditionally. I am the kind of person that keeps her emotions inside and when i do let them out for you to see, it is only because i believe in you and i trust that you will be there for me when i need you.


who is the real me? I am kind, caring,honest, giving,loving, emotional ( if i know i can trust you), bitchy ( but only if you cross me), and a very good friend. I can keep secrets, because i have a few of my own, and i know when to keep my mouth shut. I have a fear of letting people in but if i do let you in, you should know that it was hard for me to do and i don't do that often. I don't like when people take advantage of my good nature and try to use me for their own sadistic nature. i don't like to be used for anything, but in this world everyone uses everyone for something so i should get use to it.