It is so hard to deal with things when all you want to do is crawl under your sheets and cry. I don't know what is going on with me, I thought i was holding my self together but when ever i let my guard down i cry. I don't feel sad, but it is like all of a sudden i get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. It is so hard for me to show my emotions, because i don't want my friends see me cry..
When your heart is broken you don't really know what to do. I mean you try to go on with your day, and it just shows up like a bad dream. I thought i was ok, but i realized that i am not. I need to cry and let my feelings out, because if i don't i think it will end up depressed again and i don't want that..
I found these songs on my ipod and they just broke me into little pieces. One is called - hold you in my arms- by Ray LaMontagne and the other is Shelter by the same guy. I did not really know how heart broken i was until i heard these songs. I started crying and i could not stop. The messed up part about this, is that i keep playing them when i am home. I know that sounds like some kind of punishment but i cant help it. I would rather cry alone than with people around me, because i don't think they would understand where i am coming from.
I try to do things to get my mind off the sadness like shopping,eating,praying,talking to friends about their problems or just about things that are going on in their lives. I know that avoiding does not help, but i don't want to be a burden or call people in tears, when i know that they have their own problems.
I am good with helping others, but when it comes to fixing me i cant do it. I can stop the tears for a little while, but they always come back. I might look like i am ok but to tell you the truth i am not. I think i am more broken than ever.
I don't think there has been a night this past week that i have gone to bed happy. I have always gone to bed with tears in my eyes. I am glad i live alone, because some people might think i was crazy.
How long does it take to get over a broken heart? How long will i cry? I don't know the answer to these questions, because each situation is different.
So, for now i guess i will spend time with friends and family and hopefully that will help heal my already fragile broken heart.
