How to have unconditional love

I spend a great deal of time reading books pretaining to the way people think. I do it to better understand myself and other people's way of thinking. I came across a great book recently and thought I might share some of the key components to learning how to love someone unconditionally. This may or may not help those out there who have a tough time getting what they feel they "require" in relationships.

First off, start with the basics of a finding a new person or the foundations of an existing relationship. What are some of the factors that attract people to one another? We arent talking just relationships that involve sex. I am talking friends, significant others, and family members. So what makes you want to have a relationship with any of these people? personality, hobbies, intelligence(holding a conversation with interest) and in mating relationships physical attraction, etc.. Ok so you found someone who has all or most of these qualities. How do you keep a relationship from falling apart with unconditional love?

We all learn our demands for a trusting, loving, and sometimes sexual relationship from an early age through observation and the various life experiences we face. For example, my parents had a very distant relationship and never showed affection to one another and rarely showed it towards me. Because of this desire for affection I now demand(addicted to) receiving almost constant affection from the men I meet. If Im in public I love holding hands, if Im alone, I love to be held. When a man I am seeing neglects these types of affection even for logical reasons such as feeling sick, being tired, wanting alone time.. it sometimes causes me to become angry, upset, sad.. etc. So how would someone overcome such demands? It's all about changing the programming of your demands. Instead of saying to yourself "I DEMAND he show me affection all the time. Why is he acting this way?", try changing your thinking to "I would PREFER if he was affectionate all the time. But that is because I have programmed myself to be addicted to affection. He may want space right now or maybe he isnt an affectionate person."

So then how do you go about determining why the person does not want or act the same as you? Easy, you communicate with them and find out. Being completely open and honest with one another is the only way to decide if you accept them for who they are, and not how they want to appear to you, hence leading to unconditional love. People often cater to the needs of others, but when they do this just to satisfy you and not because they truly want to, they are hiding their real self from you.

Finally how do you ask someone why they want/act a certain way without causing them to become defensive? Try asking without nagging or accusing.

The wrong way- example: "why dont you want to hold me? Is there something wrong? I want you to hold me because I need it right now." This is nagging, followed by accusing, followed by demanding.
An approach like this will make the other person feel irritated, guilty, and controlled. You are basically telling them they are wrong for what they are doing and you are right. They may fullfill your need so you dont get angry,and you may feel like you love them for it, but how do you know if they are being themselves or simply portraying the person you want them to be? This will not get you the result you want in the long run. The other person will eventually resent you for making them do something they may "PREFER" not to do.

The Right way- "I really enjoy(prefer) holding each other when we watch tv. We dont have to tonight, but would you like to?" This is expressing your preference, allowing an option, followed by giving the person an opportunity to deny your preference without feelings of guilt.
This approach allows the other person to understand that it is something you prefer rather than demand. This gives the person the option to fullfill your preference to be held or if they do not wish to they will more readily explain in a completely, open honest way why they do not wish to cuddle,WITHOUT feeling pressured that you will be upset with their response. If they decide to change their current action from not holding you to holding you, they can do so without resentment.

You have to understand and accept that your own demands(needs) and your relationship partners' demands(needs) probably are different. The only way to over-come these programmed demands is to change them into preferences. When you prefer rather than demand it gives the relationship the opportunity to grow in a healthy way and you will feel satisfied and happy with the results. You cannot obtain happiness by having demands in your life and expecting others to fullfill them. You have to change those demands to preferences. Sometimes in long term relationships this may not be fixable if you or your significant other has always used a demand approach. Years of demands build a wall between getting to know someone for their true self and accepting them for it.. resentment has built up through the years and you or your significant other feel forced to hold-up this image of who you or they are rather than being themselves.

Unconditional love can only occur when you learn every aspect of the person through completely honest communication. Only then can you decide to accept the person for who they are. Too many people push through relationships like a bulldozer trying to fullfill every demand. You cannot ask someone to change who they are because you are telling them point blank you do not accept them. Feeling unaccepted again will lead to resentment and anger.