How to have unconditional love

I spend a great deal of time reading books pretaining to the way people think. I do it to better understand myself and other people's way of thinking. I came across a great book recently and thought I might share some of the key components to learning how to love someone unconditionally. This may or may not help those out there who have a tough time getting what they feel they "require" in relationships.

First off, start with the basics of a finding a new person or the foundations of an existing relationship. What are some of the factors that attract people to one another? We arent talking just relationships that involve sex. I am talking friends, significant others, and family members. So what makes you want to have a relationship with any of these people? personality, hobbies, intelligence(holding a conversation with interest) and in mating relationships physical attraction, etc.. Ok so you found someone who has all or most of these qualities. How do you keep a relationship from falling apart with unconditional love?

We all learn our demands for a trusting, loving, and sometimes sexual relationship from an early age through observation and the various life experiences we face. For example, my parents had a very distant relationship and never showed affection to one another and rarely showed it towards me. Because of this desire for affection I now demand(addicted to) receiving almost constant affection from the men I meet. If Im in public I love holding hands, if Im alone, I love to be held. When a man I am seeing neglects these types of affection even for logical reasons such as feeling sick, being tired, wanting alone time.. it sometimes causes me to become angry, upset, sad.. etc. So how would someone overcome such demands? It's all about changing the programming of your demands. Instead of saying to yourself "I DEMAND he show me affection all the time. Why is he acting this way?", try changing your thinking to "I would PREFER if he was affectionate all the time. But that is because I have programmed myself to be addicted to affection. He may want space right now or maybe he isnt an affectionate person."

So then how do you go about determining why the person does not want or act the same as you? Easy, you communicate with them and find out. Being completely open and honest with one another is the only way to decide if you accept them for who they are, and not how they want to appear to you, hence leading to unconditional love. People often cater to the needs of others, but when they do this just to satisfy you and not because they truly want to, they are hiding their real self from you.

Finally how do you ask someone why they want/act a certain way without causing them to become defensive? Try asking without nagging or accusing.

The wrong way- example: "why dont you want to hold me? Is there something wrong? I want you to hold me because I need it right now." This is nagging, followed by accusing, followed by demanding.
An approach like this will make the other person feel irritated, guilty, and controlled. You are basically telling them they are wrong for what they are doing and you are right. They may fullfill your need so you dont get angry,and you may feel like you love them for it, but how do you know if they are being themselves or simply portraying the person you want them to be? This will not get you the result you want in the long run. The other person will eventually resent you for making them do something they may "PREFER" not to do.

The Right way- "I really enjoy(prefer) holding each other when we watch tv. We dont have to tonight, but would you like to?" This is expressing your preference, allowing an option, followed by giving the person an opportunity to deny your preference without feelings of guilt.
This approach allows the other person to understand that it is something you prefer rather than demand. This gives the person the option to fullfill your preference to be held or if they do not wish to they will more readily explain in a completely, open honest way why they do not wish to cuddle,WITHOUT feeling pressured that you will be upset with their response. If they decide to change their current action from not holding you to holding you, they can do so without resentment.

You have to understand and accept that your own demands(needs) and your relationship partners' demands(needs) probably are different. The only way to over-come these programmed demands is to change them into preferences. When you prefer rather than demand it gives the relationship the opportunity to grow in a healthy way and you will feel satisfied and happy with the results. You cannot obtain happiness by having demands in your life and expecting others to fullfill them. You have to change those demands to preferences. Sometimes in long term relationships this may not be fixable if you or your significant other has always used a demand approach. Years of demands build a wall between getting to know someone for their true self and accepting them for it.. resentment has built up through the years and you or your significant other feel forced to hold-up this image of who you or they are rather than being themselves.

Unconditional love can only occur when you learn every aspect of the person through completely honest communication. Only then can you decide to accept the person for who they are. Too many people push through relationships like a bulldozer trying to fullfill every demand. You cannot ask someone to change who they are because you are telling them point blank you do not accept them. Feeling unaccepted again will lead to resentment and anger.

What does Love mean to you?

What does Love mean to you? Love means to me Doing hard things.

I thought about this for a while and the first thing that popped up in my head was Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Faithfulness. How do you know when you are getting these things from the person you are with? How do you know and trust that they are only with you? 

I looked back over my life and realized that i have known true love and that is a feel like no other. It is like you are not in your body and all you do is think of the other person. Some say when your young you don't know enough about love to really love but i honestly disagree. When you are with a guy and you are willing to take the bs that he gives you then you know that you are truly in love. When you will take up for him and have his back no matter what, then thats another sign. When you could see your self being there for him when he is not there for you, my dear i must say thats the man of your dreams. Love is a funny emotion, because it can make you do things you never thought you would do. I say this because i have done things that mad me question myself. When i was in love i did everything for this man. I cleaned, cooked, helped with his family, and i also put up with the lie's that he told me. I cared more for this man then i did myself and i know thats bad, but when i am in love and it is true thats how i am. I make sure my guy is happy at all time.My family told me that he was changing me, and that i was not being myself. They told me that i let his issues come before my own issues.

Well after years of doing hard things, I woke up one day and was not In Love with him anymore. It took something major to happen but i realized that we were not meant to be. Which was crazy since i never thought that would happen since we had some amazing time together and he would hold me down when he could also.Leaving him was the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. I still do love him as a friend. We turned out to be completely different people. I just wonder if there are guys out there who are willing to love the same way. 

He loved me, and i can honestly say that, but i was never number 1. I made him number 1 and i was number 2. I let him into my heart to the point of not caring anything else. I was number 1 when he wanted something from me but when i needed him the most he was not there. I don't regret loving him, because he helped me become the woman i am. We shared a loss that hit us both and that will always connect us.

Can you trust your love for someone 100%? Can you trust them enough to give it back you? I would love for that to happen to me, but the way the world/life is nothing is promised and you never know who you are dating. So tell me how you feel about Love and Relationships? 

Love is this amazing feeling it is something that can be great, but if not taken care of it can cut like a knife. Everyone should have a chance to feel what real love is. I know that for me, i have felt it and i can't wait to feel it again. Relationships are hard but if you don't work on them how are they going to work.

So, if you are dating someone let them know how you feel, tell them what's in your heart. 

Feelings

When someone hurts you how do you come back from that? Do you spend more time with friends and family or do you stay in your bed and eat your feelings away? I don't know how to respond to these questions, because if i did i think i would be feeling a little better.

Have you ever had someone to break you to the point when you don't realize that you are a mess?  I have and i thought that, because i have not known this person for that long that he did not have the power to rip me in two. I guess i was wrong, because he did. I have loved 4 people and only one of those 4 hurt me but i knew him for years. I knew the good, bad , and ugly. So, i was kid of expecting to get hurt at some point. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt because we were together for so long i had no choice but to be hurt and depressed. The others did not hurt me this bad, because i did not allow myself to be completely open with them. I did and still do love them but in very different ways.

I don't want this to break me and i don't want it to send down to a place where i have not gone in a long time.

I want to get pass this because if i don't my sadness is going to turn to hate and thats something i don't want to happen.

I am going to stay in my bed and eat and pray my emotions away. I am going to watch movies that make me laugh. I am going to get up take a shower and realize that tomorrow is another day for me to be thankful for.

So, if you call me and i am crying, that just means i thought about the person that hurt me. If you call and i sound angry, don't worry it is not because of you.

I don't ever want to give someone power over me that will use it to there advantage. 

Can't Stop Crying

It is so hard to deal with things when all you want to do is crawl under your sheets and cry. I don't know what is going on with me, I thought i was holding my self together but when ever i let my guard down i cry. I don't feel sad, but it is like all of a sudden i get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. It is so hard for me to show my emotions, because i don't want my friends see me cry..

When your heart is broken you don't really know what to do. I mean you try to go on with your day, and it just shows up like a bad dream. I thought i was ok, but i realized that i am not. I need to cry and let my feelings out, because if i don't i think it will end up depressed again and i don't want that..

I found these songs on my ipod and they just broke me into little pieces. One is called - hold you in my arms- by Ray LaMontagne and the other is Shelter by the same guy. I did not really know how heart broken i was until i heard these songs. I started crying and i could not stop. The messed up part about this, is that i keep playing them when i am home. I know that sounds like some kind of punishment but i cant help it. I would rather cry alone than with people around me, because i don't think they would understand where i am coming from.

I try to do things to get my mind off the sadness like shopping,eating,praying,talking to friends about their problems or just about things that are going on in their lives. I know that avoiding does not help, but i don't want to be a burden or call people in tears, when i know that they have their own problems.

I am good with helping others, but when it comes to fixing me i cant do it. I can stop the tears for a little while, but they always come back. I might look like i am ok but to tell you the truth i am not. I think i am more broken than ever.

I don't think there has been a night this past week that i have gone to bed happy. I have always gone to bed with tears in my eyes. I am glad i live alone, because some people might think i was crazy. 

How long does it take to get over a broken heart? How long will i cry? I don't know the answer to these questions, because each situation is different.

So, for now i guess i will spend time with friends and family and hopefully that will help heal my already fragile broken heart.