To the heart-breakers in the world you know who you are!

Selfish and rude, 

cruel and self-absorbed, 

All of these things you are, because you are a fool.

You claim your a lover, but all you really are is a rejector.

You say you have a heart, but really and truly all you have is a stone

in the place where your heart should be.

So, swallow your pride and realize who you really are.

Don't be offended when people turn their backs, cross their arms, and 

really see you for the man you really are.

disliked, unkind, friendly ( when it suits you), and a world class JACK-ASS

My strange er night

I think life is so funny. The reason i think this way is because the people who you think wont lift a finger to help you, they show you that they can be good people. Well at least for a short period of time they act like they once loved you. The person i am talking about treated me so badly to the point were i did not ever want to see him again and i thought he felt the same way. I guess he proved me wrong.

I had to go to the hospital and a friend of mine went with me even though she had to go to work the next day. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me and how thankful i am that she was with me.

Anyway, i am ok. I was in the hospital until about 3am or something like that. My friend left early, because she had to get some rest so that she could go to work. I sat there waiting for the doctors to make up their minds on what to do with me. They went back and forth trying to figure out what would be the best treatment for me. They found out that i had some kind of viral infection, so they gave me antibiotics and morphine for the pain even thought i was not in that much pain. 

When it was time for me to go home they called my contact person and for some reason it was Joel a guy i was dating. He gave them his number when he took me to the hospital for food poisoning. I thought i changed it back, but i guess i did not. I did not want him to come get me but i called other people and they were either busy or sleep. I had no choice but to go home with the one person who i did not want to see again.

He got to the hospital and i signed myself out and they rolled me to the car. The whole ride home was silence. I guess i was more confused then anything. I kept thinking why did he tell them he would come and get me and why did i give in so easily. I guess i was ready to go home so i did not care who it was.

When he got me home he had to carry me up the stairs, because i was out of it from the morphine they gave me. He helped me into bed and into my pj's and he slept in the other room. I was worried, because if he wanted to he could have done anything to me and i could not have stopped him. I don't like it when i am like that with people i don't trust, and with him he lost my trust when he broke me. Well, let me get back to my night of craziness.

I think it was around 4am when i started to itch, i guess it was because the drugs were wearing off . Joel came in the room and wiped my arms and legs off with a warm face towel. I guess in a way he showed me that he could be sweet, but in my eyes he will always be an ass. He might have been there for me in the way that a friend or boyfriend  should have been, but he is now and never will be anything like that to me again. 

I guess people have a way of showing you that they can be kind. I just hope he did not think that just because he was nice to me for a few hours, that i was going to forgive the mean things that he said. I hope that this does not make him think that he has an opening back to my heart, because that will never happen.

I am thankful that my friend was there for me when i knew that she did not have to be and i am also in a strange way thankful for my ex-bf for being there when i knew he could have just as easily said no.

Rain

Below are lyrics from a song i love called Rain by Patty Griffin. I like this one particular verse, because it is something that i think we have all been through and thought about.

So, read the words and think about them, is this the way you want your life to be? Is this how you want people to think about you? 

I know i have had to give up on something or someone, and it is hard to do, but if i did not let them go i knew i could never find what or who is right for me. 

The forth and  fifth lines  means something to me , because i don't want to have to force something that is not meant for me. If it is meant for me and i let it go it will find its way back home to me. 

I think that is something we all should think about, before we do something that we cant take back.

(Its hard to know when to give up the fight

Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live)

the people in my life

All of my friends play an important part in my life weather they are here with me or if they are far away. I love each of them differently and i treat them all different. I guess it is fare, because all my friends treat me differently also. I have a few who treat me like i am a baby and like to do everything for me. I have others who make me do things because they know if i am not pushed i wont do anything. I also have friends who forget that i am a grown woman and not a child, they tend to think i don't know what's going on but i know more than they think. I think there are people who come into your life for a reason and the friends that i have, have made my life a lot more interesting even if they have brought there own drama to my door.

There are also people in my life that i could not help but to be related to, and some of them can drive me mad. I mean is it or is it not bad when you have family that can make you literally ill?There are some people in my family that if i am around them for too long, i want to cut my wrist just to get away from there relentless drama. 

I have family members that i would do anything for because we are just that close.My cousins or so overprotective of me, don't get me wrong i love them for that, but it can cause me to keep thing from them. They don't want me to hurt anymore then i have already. I have one cousin in-particular  who would hurt anyone and i mean anyone who she thought was using me, mistreating me, or putting their hands on me. I call her my "other mother" even though i am 1 1/2 years older.  I cant always tell her what's going on because i don't want her to get her brother (my other cousin who babies me) to do anything crazy. Susan would leave her job to check up on me if she thinks something is in her words "shady" or if she thinks i am hiding something. I love her dearly for that. I think that when i do get married the guy is going to have to talk to her first, thats how protective she is about me. 

I have friends and family that i am the same way with. I don't want anyone i love or care about in any way to get hurt, because when they hurt so do i. I am no fighter but if you push me to far you will see what this little lady can do. I have a friend in new york that i have not seen in so long, but we talk everyday. She tells me about her drama and i tell her mine and we just laugh and cry sometimes for hours. I have another friend, but i consider her family because i have known her for 23 years. We talk twice a week about friends, family, work, and our personal lives. I have friends who live in florida who i kind of miss, but not so much were we talk everyday. I love to know that i have friends that i can talk to everyday, because i know that it helps me and it also helps them. I have friends i know i can depend on and i know i have "friends" that don't really care if i leave them or not.

If you want to know something about me it is this, don't be fake, don't hide from me, don't underestimate my ability to figure things out, and don't ignore me. If you do, i will act like i don't know you and you will basically be dead to me.