2 very different dreams

Is it possible to have two very different dreams in the span of 4 hours? Yes, because it happened to me last night.

I had one dream about two of my friends and myself. It was strange because one friend did not know how to behave. I mean it was so bad that this person did not know what to say, where to sleep, or how to act around us. I guess they did not want to set a poor example, but i don't think that was the case and neither did the other person that was there. The only thing this person did was provide us with hours of entertainment. 

That was one dream and when i woke up i was laughing, because it was just that funny. Now, the other dream was not funny or exciting. This dream made me question my state of mind. 

I know that it was a dream, but it involved people that i love and people that i have lost.

As some of you may know, i lost someone very close to my heart in the beginning of the year. I have gotten past the lost and from time to time i miss being able to share my thought with her. She was always there for me when i needed her and i will always miss her. That's why this dream hit me a little hard, because it was about her and my grand mother. 

The dream started like any other day. I was in the house and i went to the bedroom and there she was lying in the bed, dead with out a breath in her. I started screaming, because i wanted to know how was this happening and why. I called my aunt, my cousin, and uncle but before they all got there, she woke up like she was just taking a nap. She sat up and looked at me and asked me what was wrong? I did not or could not say anything. I could hardly catch my breath. I fell back on the floor and kept peeking around the door at her. I heard my aunt come in down stairs, so i got up and ran down to get her. I told her what was going on and she did not believe me. Why would she believe me, because that was crazy. I brought her up stairs and let her see for her self. When we got to the door there she was like nothing happened. My aunt gasped and grabbed me and took me down stairs. I went in the room to check on my grandmother and she was not breathing, She was in her bed cold and blue.  I screamed for my aunt and she came in the room and saw what i saw. She snatched me out and set me in the chair in the hall. All i could do was look and rub my arm. I got up and was going into the hall and saw my aunt( who is supposed to be dead) coming down the stairs. I had a attack with out words. I went into the front room and set in the window to try figure out what the hell was going on. I called my other family and screamed into the phone and with in ten min they were there. When they got there i could not speak all i could do was point. They went in the room and saw my aunt and grandmother. A few min later i heard a thud and a scream. My aunt and grandmother came walking out like nothing was wrong.

 Thats when i woke up. I turned over and fell on the floor..  I know that this was a dream but what the hell. 

That's it no more brownies for me after midnight.

My new friend

Ok. So, i know it is late but i can not sleep. I met this guy and he has a 15 year old son that lives with him full time. As you all know i love kids, so this would be new for me. i never had to deal with a teenager before.

This guy has been talking to me for a while now and we went to brunch on sunday. He is sweet, kind, he makes me laugh , and as some of you know i need to laugh to forget about things. His name is Craig, but i call him John (that's his middle name) because i can only have the same name in my phone twice with out getting confused. He helps me to forget about the things that are bothering me and i like that. He calls me to see how i am at least once a day since last week. He says he wants to get to know me and see where things go, but i am not sure if he can be trusted. He called me yesterday and we talked for about an hour or so and again tonight for 2 hours. He is being very consistent and i like that, because no one likes to be left in the dark or have the feeling of not knowing what's coming next.

I don't know what to do, because my heart is still hurt and i am still crying at night before i go to sleep. He knows what i have been through and he said that he wants to be my friend, but i know that he likes me. I am so conflicted with my feelings. When i talk to him i laugh, but then i cry, because i think about all the lose and pain that i have been through. He said that sometimes it is good to have a guy to talk to, but for a man who does not know me that well, he has shown me that he really cares about me. I don't get to see him that much, but he finds the time to talk to me on the phone or by email. I know it might sound strange but he makes me feel wanted, if that makes sense. He told me that i make him smile when we are on the phone and when he thinks about me.

I just don't know how to feel or even how to process what i am feeling right now. The one thing i do know, is that out of all my male friends he has been the only one to call me just when i need it the most. It is kind of weird, because it is like he is in my head. When ever i feel like i cant take it or like i am going to cry he calls. Oh well, i guess i just have to wait and see what happens next. I hope it is something wonderful, because i don't think i could survive any more pain.

-xoxoxo

Dazed and Confused

Dazed and confused, i keep my mind on the things that i want, but sometimes it is so hard to stay straight. I keep falling but i pick myself back up again and just when i think i have my balance, down i go again. I try to keep my composure and let people see the things in me that i want them to see. I have strict rules on how i live my life and how i play my games. I don't do things that i use to, because i think i am too old for the bull, but lets face it sometimes going out and dancing with strangers has its advantages after a stressful week. Praying helps, but sometimes it is not enough. I have forgotten what it is like to go out and lose myself in the music. I am a lot more careful about the things that i do know, because i want to be a respectful young lady. I miss the rush of meeting new people that i don't have anything in common with but, that night we danced until 2 am. Its not about sex, because i don't do such things with strangers and i still don't, but a kiss sometimes here and there is not that bad. I have met some of my best friends dancing the night a way, and you know what, they have turned out to be really cool people during the daylight hours.

Sometimes i miss my Gothic days, because i think then i was much happier. I think at that point in my life, i had more fun and did not care what people thought of me. I was in my black, purple and blue from head to toe and you know what, i was so comfortable that way. My plaid skirts and black shirts with tall heeled boots mad me feel so free...I would get up and sing and let all my feelings come out of me and that's when my voice showed through. I still had my faith back then, its just i did not focus on it that much. I went to church on Sundays and choir practice three days a week and i was never late, rude, and you know what i was always happy to be there. I went to catholic schools and during the day i was a sweet girl, but my friends and i thought that we could be bad at night. I had my fare share of fun and games and now when i look back i am great full that i did not follow through with some things, because if i did i don't think i would miss it today.

Dazed and confused, that's where i am at this point of my life. I am a sweet girl that has a fun dark side, without evil intentions. I just like to dress my own way and sing with out any regret. As i think about it more i don't think i would have the job that i have or the friends that i have, because i don't think they would be so excepting of me in that way.  

I love my life. Well, sometimes i do. If you come to my home at night, i promise  you these two things and only these, you will catch me singing and getting my voice back to were it use to be and cooking, because that's what i love to do.

To end my night i say a prayer and have an hour of quiet time before bed.

As i go back over this i realized that i am more dazed about how much i have changed then confused.