the masochist in me

for those of you who know me, know that i can handle pain well.. i am a masochist and i know this. i don't have to guess thats just who i am. i don't invite pain into my life but when it comes i don't fight it. sometimes the pain of being broken helps me feel alive in ways that i could never imagine. In no way am i saying i am a sadist, i am just saying, if you cant handle a little pain than life is going to be hard. i have been broken and cut down by people who i have loved, but if they really loved me they would not have done that to me.i also say i am a masochist, because you know when you see you are going to be hurt by something or someone and you keep at it, you are asking for what you get. i don't go looking for the things that are going to hurt me, they just seem to keep finding me. when it comes to my friends and family i am a pacifist. i don't like to fight, because i really don't see the point in doing so.
why does it seem like the kinder you are, the more pain or crap you go through? i guess it is because the a-holes of the world get a kick out of breaking the nice people down. on the other hand, when you are the opposite of nice, people treat you that way. i guess in life you can never really win. the nice people get crushed and the other people just get what they put out..
i am going to start listening to the people who love me the most, because i know they know what's best. i am going to start fighting for the things that i want. i am going to start telling people that if they don't like or can't take me for who i am than i am sorry. I am going to live my life for myself and god, because he will get me through anything...