8-12-2009

Have you ever had one of those days when you just wanted to chuck it all away? When you felt like no matter what you do, nothing seems to go your way. Well I have those days all the time. I tend to keep my feelings balled up inside untill I just can't take anymore and I explode. I'm just like everyone else in this crazy world. I have my stresses and my fears. I have my worries and my lack of. I just feel that if I put them on others, then that will push them away. So I shut my mouth and smile for the "cam." I hold my breath and count to ten and pray that that works for me in the end. But as of lately I have been getting tired of holding back what and how I feel.
If you know me, you know its hard for me to be open and free. Its hard for me to seek out from other what I can't find myself. Its hard for me to say I have to or that I even want to talk about something that's going on with me. I don't think its a pride thing. I think its more of feeling like I'm not incontrol or capable of dealing with my own life. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I have friends and family that I can talk to, but sometimes I think it can get alittle old saying the same things over and over. It can also get annoying when the person that your trying to talk to, only cares about them selves and no one else. Life is hard enough with haveing to waste time talking to an uncaring person.
So I have found a better way to express my self, to say how I feel, and to let go of the anger. I found my outlet and my peace of mind. My journal has become that place where all my dreams are kept and my love will never end. Its my portable heart. No has read it or at least I hope they have not. Its that place where all my thoughts go and I know that no matter what I tell my journal it will never judge or turn its back on me. We all need something like that, a place to keep what we need to let out without ever telling a soul. Because when we talk to those we love, we tend to use a filter but when we write it out everything goes and nothing is held back.
I feel at peace knowing that I do have my friends and family that I can talk to when needed and I love them for that. But I also have a place where I can write and see for myself that just by letting it all out Its just the same as telling them and also gives me some kind of mental peace.

So what's your inner most secrete? What's the one problem you would never tell anyone? What makes you cry? What makes you laugh? What is the one thing you would give anything for? Tell me or don't but try putting it into words on paper and you might be surprized about what the answers might be.