the fictional man

In this world that we live in, is there really a perfect man? Does he really exist, as he does in the many books that we read? If he did, would he truly understand and want a woman is worth? I hope so. If he did not what is the point in dreaming, if all we get in the end is a broken heart…
Fictional books are here to give us hope, or at least that’s what I think.. They give us something to believe in, when we think all is lost, when nothing seems to make sense to us anymore.. The men in these books are strong, understanding, loving, kind, and above anything else they are compassionate.. They are also dark, mysterious, and a little dangerous. They know what we want and they know how to look deep into our souls and make us melt.. They know how to seduce us, without filling our heads with meaningless lies. These fictional men are always saying and doing the right things. I know they are just fictional. Nevertheless, the more I read; it seems the more jaded I become. The more I let myself feel the words, the more I tend to expect from the men in my reality.
I have been reading these books, and let me tell you, they have me looking for a different kind of man. I want the kind of man who will put me first, in his life but not above god. I want the kind of man who will make me feel like I am the only thing in his world. I want a man who will tell me that he is not strong enough to walk away. I want him to look at me as if I am the prize that he has been waiting for his whole life. I want him to love me so much that when he tried to take the words back, it would be the darkest day of his life. Lol, yes I know that sounds crazy but when women love, that is how it is.
The fictional man, what can I say he has left me a little twisted? He has left me wanting more for my life, more for my female friends, and he has left me expecting more from the men in my reality.
In the end, all I really want is a man who knows who he is. I want a man, who from time to time shows me that his life would not be complete if not for me.
I guess until I find that mystery man of mine, I will keep reading and falling for the fictional men in my life..
I guess all the other women in the world will be with me as well. We will keep or books close to us in the hopes that one day they might be replaced by, well the real thing, a non-fictional man.
I will keep my fingers crossed, my heart safe, and my mind open…

the masochist in me

for those of you who know me, know that i can handle pain well.. i am a masochist and i know this. i don't have to guess thats just who i am. i don't invite pain into my life but when it comes i don't fight it. sometimes the pain of being broken helps me feel alive in ways that i could never imagine. In no way am i saying i am a sadist, i am just saying, if you cant handle a little pain than life is going to be hard. i have been broken and cut down by people who i have loved, but if they really loved me they would not have done that to me.i also say i am a masochist, because you know when you see you are going to be hurt by something or someone and you keep at it, you are asking for what you get. i don't go looking for the things that are going to hurt me, they just seem to keep finding me. when it comes to my friends and family i am a pacifist. i don't like to fight, because i really don't see the point in doing so.
why does it seem like the kinder you are, the more pain or crap you go through? i guess it is because the a-holes of the world get a kick out of breaking the nice people down. on the other hand, when you are the opposite of nice, people treat you that way. i guess in life you can never really win. the nice people get crushed and the other people just get what they put out..
i am going to start listening to the people who love me the most, because i know they know what's best. i am going to start fighting for the things that i want. i am going to start telling people that if they don't like or can't take me for who i am than i am sorry. I am going to live my life for myself and god, because he will get me through anything...