I live for love! I feel for the lust of life! I cry from the pain!

My Babay Boy

2011-07-03T09:58:00.002-05:00

i was very excited and nervious when i found out i was having a baby, but i got over that very fast. I was just happy and then to find out i was having a boy was even better. i was so happy that i for got about the medical things that could come up for us both. i am not the healthiest person so i knew it was going to be a long but well worth it ride..
For the first few months it was smooth sailing for my little one and i. yes, i had regular doctors appointments but that was fine with me. I was happy and nothing could change that. then i hit 16 weeks and everything went to hell.. i a now 22 weeks and baby boy is doing well, considering mom is being put through the ringer but it is all worth it to know that he is doing well and is healthy..
so, for the next 18 weeks or so i will be calling U of C hospital my home..

its been too long...

2011-02-12T22:44:00.002-06:00

i just realized that i have not made a blog post since june, and thats just not like me. i have been going through so much and i guess i just really have not had the time, but i have been writing in my personal journal. i have started working then i was off for a while do to " personal" reasons or thats what they like to call it. i have see my sweetie constantly and its going very very well. he makes me happy. he brings out the good in me when others have only uncovered the bad, or the dysfunctional. he is so sweet and giving to me. he takes time to make sure I'm ok even though i am not the kind of person who would ask for help, even when its really needed and or necessary. he has brought the light back into my life, when others have buried it because they only wanted one thing or they just really didn't know how to love or even be honest with me. Since the last time i posted anything i turned the big 30 and at first i was dreading it but I'm learning to love my new found age and the woman i am becoming. i didn't know that it would take me 30yrs and a few boyfriends to finally find the right one for me. i thought i found him when i was 17, than again at 26 and then again at 27 but it took be turning 28 to find the right "buttercup". i love to call him that even though i know he wants me to keep it between us.
enough about my personal and private life, i want to get to the heavy and i want to get back to the things that have been on my mind. I'm not a very political person but i do know that the things that i have been hearing about are way crazy and needs to be changed..
the world at hand and i must say,it is a strange and confusing place to be.. i think we are taking so many things for granted, praying that things will get better if we pour more money into it without doing the work that it takes to make things change.. we are so use to getting what we want and when that we forget that it does take work and i do mean a lot of work. i think that this country is being run by fools not all of them are fools, because i voted for the president and I'm happy with what he is doing and i hope he continues to do great thing. because lets face it he has to fix 8ys worth of crap the "he who will remain nameless caused" and some people think that he is not doing it fast enough, but if you think about it how can he. its not like every thing just came to a halt. the world kept going so before he can fix the past problems he has to make sure he says on top of what's going on right now. there is too much fighting, killing of young innocent children and men and women because of the lack of understanding. i think what's going down in egypt is something we need to look at and learn from them. but in stead we have some that don't know or who could careless. and i think that a shame because what if what's going on there happens here? I'm sure i am not alone when saying that i would want others to care and try to help if they can..
I don;t think god is too happy with his little children and i think he knows that we can and we should do better by each other. god is on our side but first we have to show him that we are worth his time and his faith.. this world needs to change because if it doesn't things are not going to get better and our father above will put us all on trial for not being the best we can be..
I know that this has been all over the place but thats where my mind is right now. all over the place with no particular train of thought just a lot of randomness.. lol, maybe i have ADD or ADHD either way i love who i am, my god loves me and my family loves me so thats all that matters..
xoxox hugs and love

fire and ice

2010-07-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

"some say the world will end in fire,Some say in ice.From what I've tasted of desire,I hold with those who favor fire.But if it had to perish twice,I think I know enough of hateTo say that for destruction, ice is also great and would suffice" by Robert frost. I love the fire and ice poem.. I think love is a lot like that.. In the beginning its hot and heavy and full of flame and desire and as it goes on it starts to smolder and turn to cool breezy days.. I must say for me I favor fire because I love the romance and the heat.. I love the feeling when you've been with someone and nothing about the two of you have changed, towards each other at least.. No cold nights and no most of all easy breezy boring days, unless that's what each person wants.. But I have to be honest cool breezy does not sound that bad especially if your looking for ever lasting because let's be honest, no love stays burning. It turns warm, than cool but never cold because once its cold I think that would be a very bad day, week, month, or year.I don't ever want cold love. I don't think any woman I know would want cold love because there is nothing fun about cold, careless, loveless romance..

randomness from me!!

2010-01-07T02:16:00.000-06:00

Life can be so conflicting and yet so easy at times.. I have been away from this for way too long and to tell you the truth, I really did miss it.. I missed writing down my thoughts, random acts, life lessons, and of course I miss writing about the people who are in my life..I have been living.. I have been loving.. I have been fighting for the life that I have.. I have been working through the stress of dealing with the things that god has put on me.. I have been learning that not all men in the world are jackass, as one of my friends would put it.. I have learned how to put myself first because I don't want to miss out on anything that I can do..
From September of 09 till now I have been changing, growing, and loving the people and places around me. I have put my trust into the hands of someone I care for very much,and for me that's a very hard thing to do. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, hell sometimes I can't even trust myself with some of the feelings that I have because I don't want to get hurt. But that's just how I am. Never the less, I did it. I let him into my life and into my heart.. And I'm glad I did it because he has made me a very happy young lady.. After all the heartaches and drama,the lies and the cheating and the countless fake I love you's I have found the one person who actually means it when he says it.. The way he looks at me, the way he cares for me and the way he touches me makes me feel like I'm alive.. He shocks me every day because he is not at all my type, but for some reason I feel drawn to him.. There is something about him that makes me feel safe.. Hell he even makes me forget about the medical problems that I have because they don't faze him.. He treats me as if there's nothing wrong.. He let's me do things on my own and at my own pase.. He also knows when I'm over worked and that's when he tells me to sit my little ass down and rest.. When I'm with him in not shy about being me.. I let go and let lose.. I can be me because he makes me feel comfortable enough to drop the outer layer of me and show him the women that he knows is in me.. He prays with me.. He goes to church with me, even tho we have to rush back for football some Sundays. We have a open and honest relationship with one another.. We give and take. We share are wants and needs with each other and then we come up with ways were we both get what we want.we are like oil and water but when we are around each other we mix perfectly.. I have wonder family and friends who care for me and who are glad to see me happy for a change..
I keep thinking about one of my friends and what she told me, she said "that I deserve this, that I deserve to be happy after the last two years of hell that I have been through" and she was and is right. I do deserve to be happy and loved by someone who loves me the way I love him, who treats me the way I treat him, and who respects me the way a woman should be respected.. I told my friend that she deserves it too.. I told her you have to go through the bad apples to find the one that is just right for you.. Her and I both had a bad couple of years but I think things are starting to turn around for the best..
I'm a year older. I'm a year wiser.. I'm open to the feeling of love and trust and I like it.. 29yrs old and I feel like a child when I think about the good things that god has planned for me.. He has brought such a sweet person into my life and I'm thankfull every day.. And yes I know, he might not last, it might not stick and I might get hurt in the end but at least I am to finding out.. I get that from my friend to,I'm always waiting for the other side of him to show me how much of an ass he can be and how much I'm willing to put up with..so untill that other side shows up I will continue to be happy..
That enough of my randomness for one night. Hugs. Kisses. And remember sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you..!

What's on my mind...

2009-09-02T21:49:00.001-05:00

To live, love, hate, to have faith you really need to know yourself and the person that god wants you to be. God made us all just the way he wanted us to be. He made the good, the bad, the crazy, the beautiful and the ugly. He made us so that we all can be different.. But I often wonder, if he makes the crazy why does he put them off on the sane.? You know what, I don't even want to know.. I have one two many crazy people in my life and the funny thing is they don't know they are crazy, but I see it in them.. I see the strange way they act and how they treat other people and let me tell you its not cool by any means..I ask god over and over why does he put such people in our lives, and I can only come up with three options. 1. They are in our lives to make us stronger 2. That we can make them better 3. Maybe its just a test to find out what we are made of, either way it is so not fair. I'm getting tired of dealing with people who don't want, need or accepts my friendship. I keep finding crazy and I don't know why. I'm not crazy in anyway. I have my own silly way of thinking and being. I am shy, silly, strange and oddly offset but that's just the way god made me. I have been praying to be free of the crazy in my life. I have been praying for peace of mind know that I can walk away and I will be fine.. So untill my prayers are answered I will deal with the drama. Untill I know and feel its time, I will hold on because that's the kind of person I am...

Why we change....

2009-08-25T13:02:00.001-05:00

Why is it that some guys think that you should change just for them? I'm sorry to say but that's not how it works. We change, and that's if we change at all, when we feel you have earned it. Guys want us to be all lovie dovie from the get go and that not happening. They want you to tell them how you feel about them and what you see haopening in the future. What guys don't seem to get is that when you have been hurt one to many times, your wall goes up and it stays up. We will let that wall down when we feel safe or when we think we can trust the person we are with. And after you have been hurt by someone you trusted, its something that's hard for you to do again.
Why can't they just enjoy what ever you are giving them? Why are they in such a hurry to kno what's in our heads? I don't know. But I do know this 9 out of 10 once you do that's when they hit the ground running. They think they want to kno how we feel and granted some really do, but others just want to kno for their own egos. Some men feel like once they have you, then they have wone some kind of game. What they don't know is that that is what makes us cold and damn near heartless.
I read the book " act like a woman and think like a man" and I loved it. It was so true on many points. It has made me take a long look at my self and how I am with men and how I once was. I was the sweet girlfriend the one who would cook and take care. I was the one who was always there when they needed me. I bent and twisted to make a man happy. I let down my guard and told them how I felt and in the end I was the one who was hurt. Now no more nice sweet tiff. I'm not going to be mean but if you want from me then your going to have to earn it. I don't trust men because I lied to and I know too many who can't be, so I figure why bother. I know there are still a few nice guys out there and I'm sorry, because they will suffer because of the damage other men have caused. I know a lot of women who feel this way and it sucks because we all want to be happy but we have to go through hell to find that.
My friend called me a true capricorn and I agree with him. I did tell him that I was not always that way. I found that if you make them work harder then they will show you how they feel by their actions.

8-12-2009

2009-08-13T09:12:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you just wanted to chuck it all away? When you felt like no matter what you do, nothing seems to go your way. Well I have those days all the time. I tend to keep my feelings balled up inside untill I just can't take anymore and I explode. I'm just like everyone else in this crazy world. I have my stresses and my fears. I have my worries and my lack of. I just feel that if I put them on others, then that will push them away. So I shut my mouth and smile for the "cam." I hold my breath and count to ten and pray that that works for me in the end. But as of lately I have been getting tired of holding back what and how I feel.
If you know me, you know its hard for me to be open and free. Its hard for me to seek out from other what I can't find myself. Its hard for me to say I have to or that I even want to talk about something that's going on with me. I don't think its a pride thing. I think its more of feeling like I'm not incontrol or capable of dealing with my own life. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I have friends and family that I can talk to, but sometimes I think it can get alittle old saying the same things over and over. It can also get annoying when the person that your trying to talk to, only cares about them selves and no one else. Life is hard enough with haveing to waste time talking to an uncaring person.
So I have found a better way to express my self, to say how I feel, and to let go of the anger. I found my outlet and my peace of mind. My journal has become that place where all my dreams are kept and my love will never end. Its my portable heart. No has read it or at least I hope they have not. Its that place where all my thoughts go and I know that no matter what I tell my journal it will never judge or turn its back on me. We all need something like that, a place to keep what we need to let out without ever telling a soul. Because when we talk to those we love, we tend to use a filter but when we write it out everything goes and nothing is held back.
I feel at peace knowing that I do have my friends and family that I can talk to when needed and I love them for that. But I also have a place where I can write and see for myself that just by letting it all out Its just the same as telling them and also gives me some kind of mental peace.

So what's your inner most secrete? What's the one problem you would never tell anyone? What makes you cry? What makes you laugh? What is the one thing you would give anything for? Tell me or don't but try putting it into words on paper and you might be surprized about what the answers might be.

Wants vs Needs!!

2009-07-27T11:32:00.001-05:00

We all have things that we "want" but we get that twisted with what we really need. We all want that perfect job that makes the stress worth it. We all want that love that will complete us and make us feel wanted. We all want to know that we are capable of doing for ourselves without the help of others. We want that perfect man or woman. We want that perfect house or car. We want to have that perfect family that others look to as example. We want, we want, but what do we really need? What will really make us happy? Hell if I knew that I would be out there getting or doing anything to get what I want.
There is nothing wrong with wanting those things but sometimes, its not what we want, its what we need that will make us happy.
If you have a job that you like and can put up with, be happy because some can't find one. If you have a home that is safe and warm and keeps you off the streets, be happy because some people don't have a place to call home. If you have someone that loves you even with all your faults, be happy and love them back. Tell them how you feel about them. I know they might not be your idea of "perfect" but they will love you more than anyone else will or could. If you have your right mind to take care of your self, be willing to help those who need a little help. Because who knows, you might be in their shoes one day. If you have the means to fend for yourself and your family be thankful and respect those who are trying there hardest to get to where you are in life.
So stop crying I want, I want and start thinking about what you need and already have but don't even realize it.
Your needs are or they should be simple and sweet. To be loved, happy, healthy, understood, cared for and to be blessed with your needs to get by in this world.
Like I said we all have wants but are they really more important than or needs? No, I don't think so.

Hmmmmm it has got to go

2009-07-01T23:19:00.001-05:00

I find it funny how life is just one big double standred. Men can get away with doing so much and hurt so many but when women do, its the end of the world. Men can date 1,2,3 or even 4 women at a time, but when we women do it we get looked down on or called names. Men can have women over at ungodly hours and its cool but again if women do it, it can only mean one thing. I think that if a woman is going to sleep with a guy or do what ever, that's just what she is going do. Women don't play games when it comes to that. I know I don't and the women that I know don't play those games either. The man is the one that plays the games and try to make it seem like it was our choice. They are the ones creeping around trying to figure out how to get us into bed without looking like the ones who wanted to do it.
Another thing, If a guy wants to take his girl on a mini vacation he can but if the girl just wants to go away for the weekend with her friend oh no, that can't be. I think that's a bunch of crap. That double standerd crap has got to go. Men just don't get it, just because they might not be able to keep their hands to them selves that does not mean that women are the same way. Men think that just because they are doing something that they probably should not be doing then women are aswell. But you know what if they are then so be it! Who cares! We are all grown ups or we should be. We all know what we can and can not handle.
Myself, I love spending time with my friend Kyle because he gets me. We can chill together and be at ease with eachother. I trust him completly. We can sleep in the bed together, we can get drunk together, and we even cuddle sometimes. That's what I love about him. I can be me and don't have to worry. We went away together and we had fun. We had good old clean fun. Yes. We did have to much to drink but we still had fun. We are friends and that's it. Hell I started to cry for some random reason and he held me while I slept. Know that's a sweet guy.
So I say these crazy as double standreds have to go. And they have to go now!

Taken from my journal- life

2009-06-20T12:33:00.001-05:00

Life comes in many forms, sizes, and colors. Its not about what we have, its about what we do with what we have. Its about the choices that we make and the promises that we keep. Life is about loving each other no matter what is done to us. Life is about loving unconditionaly and with out cause to judge. Life is about never forgetting who you are, where you come from, or any of the gifts god has given to you. So make the best of the life that you were given. Never take anthing or anyone for granted. Never let the fear of being hurt keep you locked up behind your walls. Never ever be afraid to love because who knows, love might be one thing that gets you through this game of life.

Life and death

2009-06-20T06:31:00.001-05:00

Life and death, energy and peace, if it all stoped today it was still worth it? I might say yes, but part of me screams hell no! Even all the terrible mistakes that I made and would gladly unmake if given the chance. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, was it really worth it to be told that I was wanted and loved? No. Not so much. For having someone near me and close to my heart, for finding out what fake love, cheating love, hostile love was all about. That was my hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above it.

I never thought. :)

2009-06-18T13:45:00.001-05:00

I never thought you would hurt me this way. I never thought you would make me feel so bad. I never thought you would make me feel used. How could I have put so much trust and faith in you. How could I have allowed you to be in my life for so long, and only have you take from me. What have you ever done for me, that was not for your own gain? Nothing at all! When have you ever thought about anyone but your self? Never!
So to you, I'm done. I'm done being used. I'm just plain done.
I never thought I would be the kind of woman who would fall for a fool like you.

Never again

2009-06-15T19:17:00.001-05:00

Ok last summer/spring/ and some part of the winter I was dating this guy. He worked a lot and he made time for me when he could but in the end I don't think it was worth the complications.
We went to dinner, movies, for long walks, friends houses, and we even went shopping. But it was not that often. I knew he worked a hell of a lot and he loved his job but I felt like I had a marriage. Once we got use to eachother all we did was stay in the house constantly. It was fun at first but after awhile it got boring.
It did not seem to bother him but I'm not the kind of person who can stay in the house all the time.
The thing is he would get mad when I went out with friends just because he could not go. I guess he wanted me to stay home if he could not be with me.
I know a lot of women who feel the same as I do. We don't want to keep the dating in the house all the time. Like I said, it ok sometimes but we don't want it to become a habbit.
I am happy that relationship did not work out for many many reasons. Some kno what went down and some don't and I'm keeping it that way. Let's just say I'm not going to limit myself for a guy.
This summer/fall/winter I'm not going to date someone who does not have time for me or who does not know how to make the time. When your with someone your are suppose to make time for them, and that goes both ways. You are with that person so even if you don't like something and they do, its sweet to do it anyway. It makes them feel special and who knows what you will get in return.
I loved hanging out with my guy last year but I changed who I was to make him happy. We should never have to change who we are to make someone happy.
So now that I'm hanging/dating or doing what ever we're doing I'm not going to change me.
Never change for anyone. Never lose your self for someone. Never become who they want or what they are looking for. Never ever give in.
xoxo

"no puedo vivir sin mi vida, yo no puedo llive sin mi alma"

2009-06-14T00:11:00.004-05:00

OK, my friend kyle came back tonight and i was not expecting him back till Tuesday. he called me not too long ago and asked if i could come over or if he could come and pick me up. i told him that i was going to be busy for most of the night, but he said that the time did not matter and that he just needed to see me. the funny thing is he has never asked me could he come over, he just always showed up. that makes me wonder what happened while he was away. it has me worried. i want to know whats in his head. i also want him to know that i'm not going to come running when he calls. but then again he has always come to me when i called on him. so maybe it is my turn to run.
we are just friends because of reasons that's between him and i. i like that he is my friend and i know how he is and i know i can't make him behave he has to want to do it. i learned that when it comes to men and friendships you can't change them if they don't want to change. you just have to love and care for them for who they are and if you can't then maybe the friendship was just not meant to be. men in general are very fickle creatures. they are wild and all over the place until they find what or who can tame them.
kyle is one of the guys in my life that make me cringe. he does not know what he wants or hell sometimes he does not know who he wants to be.
him and i are both on the same team. we are both single, somewhat happy, and almost from time to time a little too close for comfort.
at this point in my life I'm happy being single (for now) because i have no one to answer to, no one to make happy, and no one calling and checking up on me. so for now i am going to enjoy my single hood, because i know once it is gone I'm going to miss the freedom.
"no puedo vivir sin mi vida, yo no puedo llive sin mi alma"

Life

2009-06-11T02:36:00.001-05:00

Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think you are good, life gives you hell. I mean, for my self I have been about 50/50. Some days I feel like crying and other days I feel great. But lately I have had more of the sad lost feeling. I had someone that I love hurt my feelings a few days ago and it has really gotten to me. I am trying to move past it but it was a very deep cut.
I try to have a happy face for those around me but if you know me, you can tell the difference. I don't like to bring others down with my problem because I know my friends and family have their own to deal with. I am a or I try to be good but sometimes I have those days when I just don't give a damn. And sometimes I think that's ok.
While I was trying to fix my pain, I ran into someone I have not seen in about 3yrs. I must say seeing him put bad thoughts into my brain. We got along well for the most part but the tention between us could sway me anyday. I knew that I did not want to start anything that I was too chicken to finish. But part of me, was like what's the worse that could happen? I could get hurt that's what could happen. But I am already hurting so what's one more pain to handle right now. But I kept me cool but boy oh boy I took it as far as my mind would let me.
Like I said before life can be very tempting. It can be hard but we have to decide how we want to deal.
So if you need to yell, then my dear yell your hearts out. If you want to cry, cry untill you run dry. And if you want to give in to what you know you should not, just be safe about it.
Right now I have tears in my eyes and I don't know why.
Xoxo

My friend

2009-06-07T01:37:00.001-05:00

It has been awhile since I have been on here, but to be honest I have not had much to say. I have been going through a lot with one of my friends and trying to figure out what to do about what's going on. He is lost in his own world and he does not know up from down. We have been spending time together, talking, laughing and just clearing the air, but he is still keeping something major from me. It bothers me because we tell each other everything in our lives or at at least I thought we did. I don't keep anything from him no matter how painfull it might be. He is like my living journal. So why does he feel the need to keep me in the dark and keep me worried about him? Why can't men be like women and just talk about their feelings? I guess if they did that they wouild thing of them selves as being weak. If find it funny tho, because for someone who is keep something from me has no problem with coming to my place at random hours waking me from my slumber because he can't sleep. I don't mind because my door is always open to my friends just like my phone is always on also.
I don't know what the future holds for our friendship but I do know this, I love him, I care about his heart, and his soul and there's nothing that I would not do for him or anyone of my friends who needs me. I just hope he knows that no matter what I will always be there for him as he has been there for me.
So I say this never take a friend for granted and never make them feel unwanted. Never push your self on them either, because they might just tell you what you don't want to hear.
I learned this with my friend. I am there for him. I am his shelter from his fears and I am his bff. I never judge and I am always understanding no matter how tired I might be. For my friends who really need to talk there is no such thing as calling to late.
Xoxoxo

A repost(not from my phone)

2009-04-22T00:38:00.000-05:00

When you love yourself, you won't have to depend on the love of others.
When you love yourself, no one can make you feel bad about you.
When you love yourself, you know god is truly in your heart. No one loves you more than he does.
When you love yourself, you will never let a man nor woman put their hands on you.
When you love yourself, you can hold your own no matter what.
We all have the ability to love ourselves, we just have to be open and know that that's the only love that matters.
I am loving me for me, before I let someone love me without truly knowing me.
Xoxo

Are you real or fake?

2009-04-16T20:31:00.002-05:00

If you had to guess, what would your friends say about you? What do they think about you when your not around? Do they smile in your face, and when your gone they forget your even alive?
Hmmm, i think my friends would call me shy, timid, and a way to nice to people who don't deserve my kindness.. What they think about me when i am not around, well i cant tell you that because i don't know. I know that we all have friends that keep us around for there own personal gain, but hey thats life. I'm not like that. I think friends are friends know matter what. If they are good friends they will be there for you when you need them, and not just when they need you..
I know we all have that one friend that makes us wonder why we are even friends. I know some people look at friendship in many different lights..
If we were all honest with the people in our lives then things would not be so complicated..
If you have a friend thats pulling away, think about why they might be pulling away. maybe its something YOU did. If they want to go, let them go.
You cant lean on them, because you think if you do it will make them want to stay around.
Real friends don't play tricks on each other. Real friends talk not only when things are good but also when things are bad.
SO, are you a real friend? Or are you just a_________?

how do you?

2009-04-09T22:51:00.003-05:00

how do you tell someone new that your life is not promised? how do you tell them your heart is literarily giving up on you? How do you tell someone that you care about i might just be a waste of your time? Thats my question for all of you. How do you tell someone that likes you and someone that you, like that life might not be so easy if you chose to be with me? sometimes it makes me cry to know that every time i meet someone i have to have this conversation. it is so hard because they come at me with all these questions that i some times can not answer. most of the time they take it well and sometimes they look at me like i have disease that they can catch, if they get too close to me. They only thing that i have that someone can catch from me is Love. I take my life and my health very seriously. thats why i don't have time for fake people. everyone that i let in is so special to me. they hold a space in my heart and as some of you may know thats my problem, my heart is too big and i am not speaking figuratively. So how do i look into someone's eyes and say that i am living on borrowed time?
some of you reading this know all about my problem and some of you don't, so to those who don't feel free to ask any questions. I have learned to live my life on a daily basis because thats all i have to give. sometimes i might not call but thats because i don't want to burden you with my problems and my fears. sometimes i get so caught up, i forget that i have to take care of me. thats is why i don't like when people are mad at me or when people stop talking to me for no reason. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and i just want to run and get away from it all.
i think thats why i am s nice. i think that in my mind i figure if i am nice enough and if i try to make others happy, then i could have the life that i want. if i could just do enough but i know i cant. i know that my life is in god's hands and only he knows when my time is up.
i will admit that i do get depressed and i do have days when all i want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself, but i don't. I try to be a good friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, and sister. I try to be the person that god made and wants me to be. sometimes i get mad at god for doing this to me and for putting me in all this pain. but have come to grips with the realization that god does not give us things that we can not handle.
I just had to get that off my chest. sorry if it depressed you and i am sorry if i told you something that you don't want to hear.
XOXOXO-Tiffany

3-3-09

2009-03-04T23:19:00.002-06:00

my eyes are closed and my heart is open to all the possibilities of life. my heart is full of wonder and pain and i cant find the places where i belong. this is how i feel some times, like i don't fit or cant find my own space in life. day after day i ponder all the ways i can make things better. i wonder if i made the wrong choices or even picked the wrong people to be in my life. i count the number of mistakes and regrets that i have and i must say there are not that many, but enough to make me wonder. I am happy, don't miss read but i am so confused about life and all that has happened or all that i have gone through. it is soo hard for me to trust when i have been hurt soo many times in the past. i think about all the things that i have done wrong, and i know that i have done wrong, but i am only human. i will make mistakes along the way on this hard road that we call life, but i will be the first one to say that i am sorry. there will be a time when i might cry but hey i am thats me and sometimes a good cry is good for the soul. if you know me and really know me, you will know that i am not depressed i am just speaking from my heart and from my inner most self.
xoxoxo-love life

And update

2009-01-30T10:02:00.001-06:00

Ok, I know it has been a while but I have really been stressed out. As some of you may know my life has been turned upside down. I have found a grip to hold. On to and I must say that now I am ok. I have been sad and I think I have had every right to be but now I am happy as can be. I am as giddy as a little school girl. If you are reading this and you know me, you know that does not happen often. I have been taken under the wings of my family and I love them dearly for being there for me. I love my family and I am happy to know that they stand by me no matter what. My friends have been good to me and they have listened when I needed to clear my head. They have shown me that my efforts have not gone unnoticed and that they care for me as much as I do for them.
To all you who might be reading this, I say be good to those you love because you never know when you will need a galping hand. Keep a strong hand out and open to those who need you and never be judgemental. Keep a ear open to those you love because you never know when they might say something you don't want to miss.
That's all for now. To my friends and I love you and I will talk to you soon. To the random strangers who read my blog keep coming back, who knows I might have some good advise for you to.
Xoxoxo-love life

the fictional man

2009-01-16T23:17:00.001-06:00

In this world that we live in, is there really a perfect man? Does he really exist, as he does in the many books that we read? If he did, would he truly understand and want a woman is worth? I hope so. If he did not what is the point in dreaming, if all we get in the end is a broken heart…
Fictional books are here to give us hope, or at least that’s what I think.. They give us something to believe in, when we think all is lost, when nothing seems to make sense to us anymore.. The men in these books are strong, understanding, loving, kind, and above anything else they are compassionate.. They are also dark, mysterious, and a little dangerous. They know what we want and they know how to look deep into our souls and make us melt.. They know how to seduce us, without filling our heads with meaningless lies. These fictional men are always saying and doing the right things. I know they are just fictional. Nevertheless, the more I read; it seems the more jaded I become. The more I let myself feel the words, the more I tend to expect from the men in my reality.
I have been reading these books, and let me tell you, they have me looking for a different kind of man. I want the kind of man who will put me first, in his life but not above god. I want the kind of man who will make me feel like I am the only thing in his world. I want a man who will tell me that he is not strong enough to walk away. I want him to look at me as if I am the prize that he has been waiting for his whole life. I want him to love me so much that when he tried to take the words back, it would be the darkest day of his life. Lol, yes I know that sounds crazy but when women love, that is how it is.
The fictional man, what can I say he has left me a little twisted? He has left me wanting more for my life, more for my female friends, and he has left me expecting more from the men in my reality.
In the end, all I really want is a man who knows who he is. I want a man, who from time to time shows me that his life would not be complete if not for me.
I guess until I find that mystery man of mine, I will keep reading and falling for the fictional men in my life..
I guess all the other women in the world will be with me as well. We will keep or books close to us in the hopes that one day they might be replaced by, well the real thing, a non-fictional man.
I will keep my fingers crossed, my heart safe, and my mind open…

the masochist in me

2009-01-12T01:51:00.005-06:00

for those of you who know me, know that i can handle pain well.. i am a masochist and i know this. i don't have to guess thats just who i am. i don't invite pain into my life but when it comes i don't fight it. sometimes the pain of being broken helps me feel alive in ways that i could never imagine. In no way am i saying i am a sadist, i am just saying, if you cant handle a little pain than life is going to be hard. i have been broken and cut down by people who i have loved, but if they really loved me they would not have done that to me.i also say i am a masochist, because you know when you see you are going to be hurt by something or someone and you keep at it, you are asking for what you get. i don't go looking for the things that are going to hurt me, they just seem to keep finding me. when it comes to my friends and family i am a pacifist. i don't like to fight, because i really don't see the point in doing so.
why does it seem like the kinder you are, the more pain or crap you go through? i guess it is because the a-holes of the world get a kick out of breaking the nice people down. on the other hand, when you are the opposite of nice, people treat you that way. i guess in life you can never really win. the nice people get crushed and the other people just get what they put out..
i am going to start listening to the people who love me the most, because i know they know what's best. i am going to start fighting for the things that i want. i am going to start telling people that if they don't like or can't take me for who i am than i am sorry. I am going to live my life for myself and god, because he will get me through anything...

un-titled

2009-01-10T16:51:00.002-06:00

Life-Love-Drama-Complications, is the title of my blog, but i have found out recently that it is true to form...
life is complicated enough as it is, with all the drama that, work, school, and relationships bring to the table. why do some of us go out looking for more?
love, is a big open word. love means many things to many people.i love you means that i care about your well being. it can mean i cant live my life with out you in it in some way. it can also mean, i am in love you and i want to spend the rest of my life with you. this small four letter word can hurt or it can heal a persons heart, soul, and mind..
drama is a word that some of us wish we never even heard of. it carries so much confusion and unwanted stress. drama can make people crazy, foolish, and makes people do things that they would not normally do..
take some advice from me please, and try to apply it to your life.. don't let your past influence your future.. don't ever think that you are not loved or wanted, because as long as you have friends in your life and close family, thats something you never have to question.. don't cut your self down because you don't think you are good enough.. don't ever say that you wish you were better, because others have what you don 't, just try to work a little harder to get what you want.
so, if you don't think you are loved, i am here to tell you that you are.. if you don't think you have friends, well i can only speak for me, you will always have a friend in me. so n matter where life takes all of us, we just have to hold on to our souls.

dreams

2009-01-08T15:53:00.002-06:00

dreams have a way of telling us what we dont want to hear. they are a window into our inter-most desires and our fears. i had a dream that did not scare me but it woke me up from a deep sleep. in my dream, i was happy. i was so deep in love that i did not even realize that it was a dream. it felt so real and i was so happy, it almost hurt to wake up...i guess because my life is so crazy that my dreams are my only outlet.
i thought my love life was fading but thats only because i wont give in to the person who loves me the most. to the person who is always a constant in my life. yes he has hurt me and yes i have hurt him, but thats what people do. lol, i changed the subject, lets get back to the dream.
his hand curved around me elbow, moving slowly down my arm,across my ribs and over my waist, tracing along my my hip and down my leg, around my knee. he pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip. he pulled me closer to him as if he were trying to conceal me from the pain that was around us. keeping me from from all the hurt that he has caused me. he made me feel safe in his arms and loved. he traced my face and at the same time he whispered i am sorry i hurt you, and i am sorry i left you.
this dream went on for what seemed like days. when i woke up i was happy and i almost felt like i could truly forgive,all because of a dream. i wish it was that easy. i wish i could be that open. all my dream told me was that i missed him in my life and in my heart. maybe one day we will find our way back to each other or maybe not, but i do know this i cant shut down because of past pain. i have to be open to new love, but if the past comes back to me well then, so be it.

happy 09!

2009-01-05T12:27:00.005-06:00

i know i am late, oh well sue me. i hope everyone had a safe and happy new year. I hope that your year did not end on bad terms and i hope that you got to make amends for any wrong doings that you might have caused.i think that the way you start the new year off is a key to how you will continue on through out the year.

i feel blessed to be able to see another year and i hope to see many more to come. there are people that have passed that i will forever miss but they will always have a place in my heart. in 08 there was pain, heartache, and loss, but on the other hand there was friendship, love, and loyalty. 2009 is only five days old, so if there are corrections you want to make i think you still have time. if there are things about your self that you don't like change them now!if you are doing things that hurt others in away that you don't want to be hurt well then stop! if you know that your life could be better, well than you know what you have to do to fix it.
2009 holds so many possibilities, but if you don't look for them and except them you will be forever lost.
here is a list of things i want you to say to people. i cant promise much but i can say this when saying these words, you will make someone feel so much better about them selves.
1.say i am sorry for
a. not loving you.
b. leaving you when you needed me the most.
c. not see what was right inb front of my eyes.
2.say i love you.
3.say i forgive you.
4.say you are my best friend.
5.say god has blessed my life and now i want to be a blessing in yours.
6.say look after my heart for i have left a piece of it with you.
7.say keep your self safe, because your life is more precious than you know.

Always-Love Life

2008-12-29T23:28:00.001-06:00

Everything in life has a significant reason of being. I think we all just have to find out where we fit in this world. We all have something that sets us apart from others. We just have to know what that something is, some of us are great friends and others are great lovers. We know who we are by the people we invite into our lives. Some people make us better and some just drive us further down into our own personal hell. We all are fighting some kind of demon in our lives, we just have to know that we are stronger than our own personal needs. Our demons can live in our home, work, or personal lives we just have to know how to deal.
As we go into a new year and find a whole new set of obsticals standing in our way, keep a few things in mind. Never make a promise you can't keep, remember that random encounters come and go but true friends last for a lifetime. Keep in mind that God blesses us everyday that we wake, so be thankful and know that he never gives us problems that we can not over-come.
I hope and pray that this new year opens eyes, hearts, and minds of the people who are closed. I pray that hate is truly over-come by love and not lust. I pray that friendships that are worth holding onto remain the same. I pray that God blesses us all with forgivness for others and also forgiveness for our selves. If you are living with stress and pain let it go! If you are feeling down don't. God has given you more than you can know.
Have a Happy New Year and may God bless you deeply.
Always love- love life

Twilight craze has pulled me in

2008-12-20T02:35:00.001-06:00

This might be random info but I don't care. I want to share it anyway. I know that we all have stressful lives. I also know that sometimes it can be hard to find an excape. Well, boys and girls I have found mine. Yes it might be childish. It might even be a little strange for some of you to understand but I have truly found my outlet.
It all started with a movie based on a book or books I should say. I have never heard of these books but I can honestly say that I am hooked. I think I found my new drug. The movie is called Twilight and I love it. It is a love story with a bite. It is deeply seductive and suspenseful. It is a love story about a vampire and his family who do not hunt humans.The vampire then falls in love with a human. I got the book (twilight) after I saw the movie. The book kept me engaged for hours. I read it in one night and I was thirsty for more. I got the second book called New Moon and I read that one in one night also. There are two more books that I have to get Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I just know they are going to be as good as the first two. I know that this might sound a little crazy but really and truly I don't care.
Well that's an update on me and my new obsession. Call me crazy!

My rules for 2009

2008-12-18T23:26:00.001-06:00

I am ending this year and a lot relationships that are no good for me. I am putting me first. I am getting rid of fake. I am cutting ties to the lies. I am takeing back my love and friendship, from the ones who don't deserve it. These are my rules for 09'.
1. Put my self first
2. Keep god in my heart
3. Cut ties to fake friends because they only use you.
4. Keep intouch with those who truly care.
5. Don't give to those who use you for there own agenda.
6. Tell the ones you love how you feel
7. If you don't make an effort with me, well guess what neither will I
8. If you don't be true to me, don't expect me to feel sorry for you
9. Tell me when your mad or hurt, because I will tell you.
10. IF YOU DON'T CALL ME and you think we are friends, you are sadly mistaken.
11. I WILL ALWAYS KEEP UP WITH MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONE'S but don't let that keeping up with me and my randomness first.
12. Don't let the hurt of another make you miss out on something wonderfull. There is that perfect person out there for us all. We just have to keep and open heart and mind to the idea.
These are some of my rules and guidelines for 09'. I hope that you keep them in mind and make some for your self. Don't let the new year start and you are still dealing with the old shit of 08'.

The count down begins!

2008-12-12T00:07:00.001-06:00

Wow, It just hit me, there are only 19 days until I am 28. Where does the time go, and why am I not where I want to be in my life by now? I see all these people who have the things I want, but they are not happy or greatfull for what they have and it makes me mad. I think I am a good person. No, I know I am a good person, so why can't I have what I want? Why can't the people like me get what they want out of life? There are no answers for these questions, so I guess I will have to wait just like everyone. Else.
To all the people who are waiting for something that they have not found, don't give up! Don't let what you don't have rule you because if you do, you might lose yourself. Make 2009 a year of longlasting hope, love, and friendship. Don't force people to be in your life, if they want to go let them go! Keep your friends close because if you keep pushing them away, you are the one who will suffer not them. Pick up the phone and say hi just because, not because you feel you have an obligation!
So, to my friends I love you but don't forget the phone works both ways. To others don't forget about the ones who were there for you, because you never know when you might need them again.

Why Can't Love be?

2008-12-07T23:04:00.001-06:00

Friendships and Relationships should not be hard and I am tired of feeling like what ever I do or say is never enough. I also have friends who can't figure out why their love is not enough. You can love and give so much to a person and before you realize what's happened, you have given them all you have to give. Once you have done that what else is left? Nothing, just and empty shell of a loveless or even hateful feelings for your self and even that person. Men don't understand that the love of a woman and a good woman at that,can make there lives much better. The love of a woman is a great and powerfull thing. I don't care if its the love from a female friend or from a woman you are dating it still runs very deep. When women love men regardless of their situation or status in that mans life, they can't just cut it off. I, like the many women that I know, love deeply and it can turn into hate if pushed or ignored to the point where we can't forgive.
Just a little something I wanted to get of my chest.

God knows us!

2008-12-03T10:52:00.001-06:00

Things are a little slow so I decided to share my thoughts.
As I look forward to the new year, I look back at all the things I have done and gone through. I thank God for giving me peace to keep an open heart. When you have been hurt by a friend, family member, or your significant other, you should ask your self was it worth it? I have friends who have been hurt, hell I have even been hurt, but without the hurt how can we grow and be better people? I am thankfull for all the experiences that I have had, because they have made me stronger as a woman and in my faith.
As the new year draws near don't be afraid of the un-known, don't run from love if it comes knocking, and don't run when you know that if you stay you might get hurt. I say this because running does not get you what you want.
Forgive the ones who have caused you harm, not for them, but for your self. Don't let one person determin who you are, or what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Go into the new year free and clear of the past, because the ones who have hurt you are happy to see you suffer.
We only have this one life, so live each day as if it were your last. Except love, except friendship, and except the fact that God will never leave you if you stay true to him and your self.
My God bless you each and every day. May he bless us with the love that we hope for, because we are his children and he wants us to be happy. May God take away the pain that others has caused, because he is and should be the only one to have power over us all. God knows us in every way, there for trust him, for he rules over all things. If you give your troubles to God he will work them out for you when he thinks you are ready and excepting of what he can do. So I pray for all my loved ones may we have peace and hope knowing that God is on our side.
I love you and may God bless us each and every one of us.
I love you, I pray for you, and I hope you are blessed in everything that you do.

God knows us!

2008-12-03T10:51:00.001-06:00

The reason I come home

2008-12-03T02:23:00.001-06:00

Ok, I know its late and I should be sleep but I have had no luck. A friend of mine let me in on this song, so I thought I would share it with you. I hope it touches you like it did me. I think this song gives hope to the hopeless. I am not putting all the words, because I think you all should find it. I am thankful to the friend who found this because with out her I would have never heared of it.
The song or at least part of it.
Watching you watching me, is fine way to fall asleep. Neighbors fight as we both rest our eyes. Hand in the fallen snow, numb to the winter cold, we don't mind cause will get warm in side. Your the reason I come home, your the reason I come home my love. Your the reason that when every thing I know falls apart, your the reason I come home.
The streets asleep,so I breath you in deep. Tragedy of chemistry. People dream of a you and me I found effortlessly. Your the reson I come home, your the reason I come home my love. For long time I remember saying prayers for something perfect, saying prayers for someone kind. Its in my head sending cyrcles down the ave instead. Your the reason I come home my love.
I hope you all take these words and apply them to your life, because we all want to feel this way and we all want some to tell us that we are the reason that they come home. I know for me that is what I am looking for. Remember everyone gives you a reason to live, to love, and to hope. So, the reason I or you come home is to be loved by some one who is special in our lives. So when you find that person hold on tight and let them know that they mean more to you than words can ever discribe.
-xoxoxo

Wake men and realize before its to little to late for apologies!!!

2008-11-23T23:25:00.001-06:00

You give and give and give and what do you get in return nothing. No, I take that back you get heartache, pain, lies,complications, and loss. Men take so much from women and they don't realize how much it hurts when they play us for fools. They try to keep us safe by not telling us what's going on because they think it is best, but by not telling us you are only hurting us. Why can't they just be honest and open with there feelings? Why can't they take no for no and not feel rejected? Why do men take so much from women? I mean as soon as we ask for the smallest thing from them they act like we want to bare their children. Women just want respect, honesty, loyalty, and kindness from men. Why can't we get that? We want men who will commit with out fear, men who won't cheat just because they are not sure if they really want us or not, and men who will tell us if they don't want us anymore. I respect a men who can open their mouths and talk. Talk hard, talk with your hearts, and talk I mean damn just talk. To the men in my life friends or not, if you think this is you then change because you don't want to be left out in the cold. If you are one of the good guys keep it up and don't for get that women can read you better than you think.
A little love from love......

As 2008 comes to a close almost.

2008-11-21T19:28:00.001-06:00

" in side every man, there in lies the ability to be a better man." how many of you think this is true? The same could also be said about a woman. Here is something else to think about "next to every great woman stands beside her a strong and mature man." There are many saying that I could add but really what's the point? It takes two strong and mature adults to be able to come together and decide that they are going to be together. To all the men and women who have something worth fighting for you better do so, before it to late.
As the year ends some of us might have thought we would be at different places in our lives. Maybe a different job, a new home, or even should I dare say it a new and lasting relationship. Two of those things we have some control and it is not the last one. We can not for see or even guess what's on the other persons mind. We might think we know, but if we are honest with our selves we know we don't. I know I have, like many other women I know, thought that we found the one or even Mr right but I have been proven wrong once or twice. I think this is natures way of telling us that it is not time for love just yet. So I am going to focus on my own personal thing and let the rest follow.
As the new year creeps up let's try to face it with open eyes and a light heart. Let's LET THE PAST STAT IN THE PAST. and the PROBLEMS, the HEARTACHE, and all the PAIN of 2008 die with tone of 2009.

For friends and others

2008-11-19T00:05:00.001-06:00

I accept you in confidence, I listen and admire your wisdom. We are one when we are together. That's why you and I will always be friends.
When you are angry, I am there to sooth your aggression. When you are sad I am here to cheer you up. We understand each others thoughts from time to time.
We have a trust that's very rare and that's how I know we will always be friends. We accept life as it comes all the good, bad, and the ugly. We are inseparable if only in mind. I read this and I thouht it was so true about some friends, so that's why I wanted to share it with others.
There are many things in life that we can not contol, we just have to hope for the best. People come in and go out of our lives every day that's why we have to be thankful for the time that they share. The people that are in our lives are angels and they should be treated with honesty, respect, kindness. God knows us inside and out, he knows what we want and what is best. He keeps us from the bad, but if we keep going against what he wants, we will be left standing all alone. So don't force people to stay and if they want to leave, let them leave. Our father up above have our best interest at heart, we just have to LISTEN......
-xoxoxo

Is he or isent he, that is the big question

2008-11-17T16:48:00.001-06:00

Ok, I must confess, I never thought I would like this kind of guy. He is sweet, kind, and he knows what he wants. He is older, but he has a child like persona. He is a little rough around the edges and at the same time I can tell he can be a big goof. He tells me that I am the kind of woman that he has been looking for. He says that I am the piece that he has been missing from his life. We met a while back but never really talked, but he did ask me out. I forgot about the date we had planed until he called me, and you know what, I am happy he did not forget.
Some more info on him. He has two kids and he wants more. He has a good job and there is no ex-drama. He likes me for me, imperfections and all. He said that I am special and he does not want to hurt me. He wants to see where we end up.

2008-11-16T20:35:00.001-06:00

Hello friends. I had a date lastnight and it was a good one. It started out kind of rocky, but all in all it was really nice. He got to my house an hour late with no real reason.that was the only mistake he made all night. That's one of my rules never be late for a date with me because it is rude and it won't get you any where with me or any woman.
Well, anyway back to my night. We went to dinner and then for latenight drinks. It was one of those first dates for the books. He followed all of my rules, with the exception of one. He behaved like a perfect gentlemen the whole night. We went to devon seafood gril and to spy bar, because he thought I would like it. It was a very interesting evening. He is a nice guy, so we will see where this goes, but I am not holding my breath.

Playing with emotions

2008-11-15T02:45:00.002-06:00

It has come to my attention that I am angel. Fine, if I am an angel why do I keep finding devious men? Why can't I find the true love that I want?
I have never had a problem meeting men, I just keep meeting the wrong ones. I know what I want out of a guy and what I don't want, so why can't I find it? Either he is too distant or too close. I want, and I am sure many other women want, a man who is consistant or some where in the middle.
I think I have finally found what I am looking for in a man. He is sweet, kind, honest, and he knows what he wants. He tells me that he wants me and that he wants to be with me, but there is a part of me that is scared of the feelings that he has, because I have been hurt in the past. I am not sure if they are real, but if they are real I hope he is not just playing with my emotions. If he is, I hope he gets what's coming to him. I only have a little faith in men left in me, so I hope this is real.
When men play with our emotions, they just don't know that they are skating on thin ice. Men say that don't like head games but they are the main game players. They say they want honesty but they would not know the truth if it bit them in the ass. They say " I love you " but do they really know what that word means.
I love you means this: unconditional, compassion, willing to help, love with out fault, and being there even if you don't want to be there, I love you simply means, I love you for who you are, not for what you have, orfor what you bring, it means I love you just because you complete me in all ways that count.

Lonelyness and a Prayer

2008-11-14T03:35:00.000-06:00

Being lonely can be discribed in two different ways, one meaning not having someone to share your life with, or two not being able to appreciate your own company.
Ask your selves where do you fit, is it one or two?
I am in the first one, because I love myself and I don't need anyone around me to make me feel complete. I do, miss the comany of a man, because let's face it I am human. Sometimes when we are lonely it is because thats how we chose to be, because like me, we all have friends and loved ones we can turn to when we are down. It is just up to us to use the help when we know we have it.
So,look at your life as I look at mine and see how many people you have that you can count on. If you have more than 8 or maybe 5 than you have no reason to feel lonely. You should treasure and love those who make you happy, talkto them when you feel down, or even just sitting next to someone and have them listen to you can do wonders for the soul.
So, if you ever find your self lonely and need a friend, remember my loves if I am around you will never be lonely again. Also remember this if you feel lke life is too hard, remember God is on your side ad he always will be.
Here is a prayer from my lips to gods ears.
May god bless you everyday and keep you safe. May he watch over you as you sleep, travel, or when you are just un aware. May he always be by your side through your darkest hour just as I am with you. May he cast out your fears of lonelyness and replace them with contentment. May he open your eyes to the ones whom have harmed you and left you feeling weak and unloved. May God bless you and keep your heart full of passion for him, your self, friends, family, and those you chose to let in. I pray for peace for all those I care for, because with out peace there would be no love or forgiveness.
- Amen

Pass it on, and maybe take in advisement for your self.

2008-11-12T09:25:00.001-06:00

You've paid your dues and you have nothing elese to prove. The the results of your efforts speak for them selves. Don't dirty your hands with idlel,trendy, or high maintenance indulgences like lovers who don't want or even know how to give back or when for that matter.
Take the time to nuture the finer things in your life, that faithfully satisfy multiple senses. Set aside a comfort zone that is meant for your stress relief. Like a home retreat or a mind altering area that can help clear your mind. A place where you can pray and get intouch with what matters most,
Lastly, maintain self confidence, self control, independence, and learn and respect the art of being alone. Because until you can, how can you ever appreciate the company of another.

A little something for everyone

2008-11-11T20:23:00.001-06:00

Here is a little advice for the ladies and the gents.
If you guy or girl is walking over your heart you need to put a stop to it. If he or she thinks they can use you and then toss you aside, you need to put your foot down and tell them who the real boss is. If he or she is makeing you feel like everything you are doing is never enough, then tell them that there are plenty of people who will take you as you are. Never let a man or a woman make you feel like you are not enough. Never let them take advantage of your good nature. Never take their crap because onece you do there is no turning back.
Once you find that special person treat them like gold. Tell them how you feel and never underestamate the power of your words. Don't lie about what your doing and never lie about something that will come back to bite you in the ass. Lies get you no where with anyone you care about.
Be honest, kind, loyal, and loving to the men and women in your lives because before you can find that special one for you, you have to appreciate those who are willing to be around you now. -xoxoxo

My friends

2008-11-11T07:22:00.000-06:00

The damage is done, so why do we not except the healing to begine? We want to be looked at as strong independent people, but in every person there is a great weakness. We all struggle, but if we keep it tucked away inside where no one can see, there for they can not help, how is that helping us at all? We should share our fears, dreams, and misunderstandings with the people who we know will never turn their backs. Opening up is a very hard thing for some of us to do, but we must do it in order to grow in our faith and in our selves. As MLK Jr onece said " none violence none violence," I think that with out a little violence and conflict we all would be holding on to things or people we know we should let go of. God wants us to love thy neighbor and forgive thy enemy, but that can be hard for some of us to do if we can't do it for our selves first. So the next time you are hurting share because if you don't how can anyone help? The next time you feel like you are falling, reach out because there will always be someone to pull you back. The next time someone reaches out for you, reach back because if not you will find your self roaming alone. Remember this my friends love can fade but, friendship, loyalty, and trust will never fade from those who truly are your friends.

Thoughts on thoughts

2008-11-11T01:17:00.001-06:00

People change and everthing stays the same, but how will we ever forget all the pain? We try to be strong and we try to move on, but is it ever really worth our worth? We say we forgive and we say we understand, but we are only human, so how can we really understand the human condition? So keep your hearts pure and never let the unseen hate and torment out on to those who un-willingly let you into their hearts and thoughts. Your words can cut and your actions can leave unforgiveable scars but know this, if you love with out doubt and with out fear you will never hurt those you keep you near. So to the people I adore I love you all freely and with out want.

Hmmm.. will they ever change?

2008-11-07T13:48:00.001-06:00

I know i said a while back that i was not going to send out any new post, but i just could not help my self.

Have you ever looked at your self and asked, why do i put up with things that i know i should not? Well, I have, and for some reason i keep on putting up with the crap. I know a few other people like this as well. I don't know why we keep putting up with the promise of change, holding on to hope that maybe just maybe one day things will change. I don't know if that makes us weak or stubborn. Is it wrong to want good things for the people in our lives? Is it wrong to want to see them grow and become the person you know they can be, if they only tried? I don't think it is wrong, because in making them better, it works out for us as well. When you want your friends to be better and stronger is that a selfish thing? I think not, because friends should always want the best for each other.

Look at me I am a kind sweet, honest, loyal, and loving friend. I would hope that the people in my life would see that and appreciate me for the person that i am. I have to learn when to say or tell people when they are pissing me off or when they have hurt my feelings. I am going to say this, i am getting tired of being the one to reach out and put myself out there for people who don't care.

Now, to all the "men" in the world that might expect me and the women like me to roll over and give in, let me tell you, enough is enough.

I had a guy friend that i use to date tell me that the reason he is and was an ass to me was, because i am too nice. I think that is a bunch of B.S. So, basically he was telling me that if i were to act like a cold hearted snake then he would have treated me better. Since when does being sweet mean being open to the a-holes in the world. I don't get it if we ask too many question you " men" tell us to mind our own business, but if we don't ask enough you take that as us saying that we don't care. You "men" need to make up your minds about what you want, how you feel, and be straight forward and honest with the women in you lives. If you just want to be friends, say it and don't try to use us when it is only for your pleasure, if you want a friends with benefits thing, that fine to just tell us, but it you don't know what you want you need to let us know so that our hearts wont get hurt.

I am done. I am tired of the "men" and there games. I have decided to be alone until i am ready to put myself though anymore pain. I am going to spend time with my female friends and i am also going to spend time with me male friends, because they help me in ways that they don't even know. It is one thing to have a female friend but when you have a guy friend and a real guy friend they know just what to do and say to make you feel better. They know how to make you laugh and they might even let you yell at them when you are pissed at the guy that you like but are not talking to at the moment.

Here is something for all the men to to keep in mind:

If you are dating or interested in someone let them know how you feel, spend time with them, and don't ever neglect them. I say this because a female friend will always be there for you, but not in the same way a partner will be. Also, keep your female friends close or at least your real ones, because they will tell you when you are messing up, but only if they have your best interest at heart. Never let any woman in your life that you claim to care about feel like they are a red headed step-child, because if you do one day you will look up and they will be gone and you will be left wondering why.

xoxoxo

My last sent blog

2008-10-29T15:55:00.004-05:00

This is going to be my last sent blog for a while. I write my blogs so that people can read and keep up with me and what ever ramblings i have going on in my head. Some of my thoughts are deep and some of them are a little on the crazy side, but hey that's just how i am.

I am going to be making a few changes in my life. I am going to start looking at some of my " so called friends" to figure out if they are really friends. I am doing this because i don't have the time for fake and careless feelings. I don't like spending time with people who really don't care if i am there or not. I want to be around friends who care, who are sincere, and who will be there for me as i will always be there for them. I am a very good person, i have a kind heart,and i don't like my kindness to be taken advantage of. I don't want people calling me because they think they have to or because it is the right thing. I don't want to feel like an obligation, because that's not how friends should be with each other.

What makes for a true friend, well i will tell you. A true friend calls just to chat, not when they are lonely or when they want something. A true friend listens no matter how difficult the subject is, because that's what they are there for. A true friend shows how he or she feels, because if not how would we ever know that they care. A true friend male or female will open their hearts and let you in, because they know that you will never hurt them. A true friend will tell you when you are being selfish, closed minded, and cold. A true friend will never make you feel unwanted and unloved. A true friend is a friend that you can count on during hard times, because if they are not there during the bad why would you want them there for the good. I know i have posted about this before but i want it to sink in. So, if you are the kind of friend that i have listed above and you know it with out question, then i am sure you have others as well as my ever lasting love, loyalty, and respect. If you have doubts and are questioning your friendships then you need to make changes, or you will no longer be called my friend or anyone else's.

I realized that i have more male friends than female and you would think with that many, i would never have guy trouble, but guess what, i do. If you look at my phone i have about 56 guys ( not including family). I have 24 females (not including family) i think that is kind of sad, but i get along with guys for some reason.

I am going to be cleaning house with my phone and check to see if i even talk to all these people. I don't ever want anyone to feel neglected by me because i would not want to feel that.

Well, i guess that's it. I will see you when i see you. Keep checking back, because you never know i might sneak some new post in and just not send them out

2 very different dreams

2008-10-24T13:38:00.005-05:00

Is it possible to have two very different dreams in the span of 4 hours? Yes, because it happened to me last night.

I had one dream about two of my friends and myself. It was strange because one friend did not know how to behave. I mean it was so bad that this person did not know what to say, where to sleep, or how to act around us. I guess they did not want to set a poor example, but i don't think that was the case and neither did the other person that was there. The only thing this person did was provide us with hours of entertainment.

That was one dream and when i woke up i was laughing, because it was just that funny. Now, the other dream was not funny or exciting. This dream made me question my state of mind.

I know that it was a dream, but it involved people that i love and people that i have lost.

As some of you may know, i lost someone very close to my heart in the beginning of the year. I have gotten past the lost and from time to time i miss being able to share my thought with her. She was always there for me when i needed her and i will always miss her. That's why this dream hit me a little hard, because it was about her and my grand mother.

The dream started like any other day. I was in the house and i went to the bedroom and there she was lying in the bed, dead with out a breath in her. I started screaming, because i wanted to know how was this happening and why. I called my aunt, my cousin, and uncle but before they all got there, she woke up like she was just taking a nap. She sat up and looked at me and asked me what was wrong? I did not or could not say anything. I could hardly catch my breath. I fell back on the floor and kept peeking around the door at her. I heard my aunt come in down stairs, so i got up and ran down to get her. I told her what was going on and she did not believe me. Why would she believe me, because that was crazy. I brought her up stairs and let her see for her self. When we got to the door there she was like nothing happened. My aunt gasped and grabbed me and took me down stairs. I went in the room to check on my grandmother and she was not breathing, She was in her bed cold and blue. I screamed for my aunt and she came in the room and saw what i saw. She snatched me out and set me in the chair in the hall. All i could do was look and rub my arm. I got up and was going into the hall and saw my aunt( who is supposed to be dead) coming down the stairs. I had a attack with out words. I went into the front room and set in the window to try figure out what the hell was going on. I called my other family and screamed into the phone and with in ten min they were there. When they got there i could not speak all i could do was point. They went in the room and saw my aunt and grandmother. A few min later i heard a thud and a scream. My aunt and grandmother came walking out like nothing was wrong.

Thats when i woke up. I turned over and fell on the floor.. I know that this was a dream but what the hell.

That's it no more brownies for me after midnight.

My new friend

2008-10-22T01:48:00.002-05:00

Ok. So, i know it is late but i can not sleep. I met this guy and he has a 15 year old son that lives with him full time. As you all know i love kids, so this would be new for me. i never had to deal with a teenager before.

This guy has been talking to me for a while now and we went to brunch on sunday. He is sweet, kind, he makes me laugh , and as some of you know i need to laugh to forget about things. His name is Craig, but i call him John (that's his middle name) because i can only have the same name in my phone twice with out getting confused. He helps me to forget about the things that are bothering me and i like that. He calls me to see how i am at least once a day since last week. He says he wants to get to know me and see where things go, but i am not sure if he can be trusted. He called me yesterday and we talked for about an hour or so and again tonight for 2 hours. He is being very consistent and i like that, because no one likes to be left in the dark or have the feeling of not knowing what's coming next.

I don't know what to do, because my heart is still hurt and i am still crying at night before i go to sleep. He knows what i have been through and he said that he wants to be my friend, but i know that he likes me. I am so conflicted with my feelings. When i talk to him i laugh, but then i cry, because i think about all the lose and pain that i have been through. He said that sometimes it is good to have a guy to talk to, but for a man who does not know me that well, he has shown me that he really cares about me. I don't get to see him that much, but he finds the time to talk to me on the phone or by email. I know it might sound strange but he makes me feel wanted, if that makes sense. He told me that i make him smile when we are on the phone and when he thinks about me.

I just don't know how to feel or even how to process what i am feeling right now. The one thing i do know, is that out of all my male friends he has been the only one to call me just when i need it the most. It is kind of weird, because it is like he is in my head. When ever i feel like i cant take it or like i am going to cry he calls. Oh well, i guess i just have to wait and see what happens next. I hope it is something wonderful, because i don't think i could survive any more pain.

-xoxoxo

Dazed and Confused

2008-10-19T21:48:00.004-05:00

Dazed and confused, i keep my mind on the things that i want, but sometimes it is so hard to stay straight. I keep falling but i pick myself back up again and just when i think i have my balance, down i go again. I try to keep my composure and let people see the things in me that i want them to see. I have strict rules on how i live my life and how i play my games. I don't do things that i use to, because i think i am too old for the bull, but lets face it sometimes going out and dancing with strangers has its advantages after a stressful week. Praying helps, but sometimes it is not enough. I have forgotten what it is like to go out and lose myself in the music. I am a lot more careful about the things that i do know, because i want to be a respectful young lady. I miss the rush of meeting new people that i don't have anything in common with but, that night we danced until 2 am. Its not about sex, because i don't do such things with strangers and i still don't, but a kiss sometimes here and there is not that bad. I have met some of my best friends dancing the night a way, and you know what, they have turned out to be really cool people during the daylight hours.

Sometimes i miss my Gothic days, because i think then i was much happier. I think at that point in my life, i had more fun and did not care what people thought of me. I was in my black, purple and blue from head to toe and you know what, i was so comfortable that way. My plaid skirts and black shirts with tall heeled boots mad me feel so free...I would get up and sing and let all my feelings come out of me and that's when my voice showed through. I still had my faith back then, its just i did not focus on it that much. I went to church on Sundays and choir practice three days a week and i was never late, rude, and you know what i was always happy to be there. I went to catholic schools and during the day i was a sweet girl, but my friends and i thought that we could be bad at night. I had my fare share of fun and games and now when i look back i am great full that i did not follow through with some things, because if i did i don't think i would miss it today.

Dazed and confused, that's where i am at this point of my life. I am a sweet girl that has a fun dark side, without evil intentions. I just like to dress my own way and sing with out any regret. As i think about it more i don't think i would have the job that i have or the friends that i have, because i don't think they would be so excepting of me in that way.

I love my life. Well, sometimes i do. If you come to my home at night, i promise you these two things and only these, you will catch me singing and getting my voice back to were it use to be and cooking, because that's what i love to do.

To end my night i say a prayer and have an hour of quiet time before bed.

As i go back over this i realized that i am more dazed about how much i have changed then confused.

To the heart-breakers in the world you know who you are!

2008-10-18T21:28:00.002-05:00

Selfish and rude,

cruel and self-absorbed,

All of these things you are, because you are a fool.

You claim your a lover, but all you really are is a rejector.

You say you have a heart, but really and truly all you have is a stone

in the place where your heart should be.

So, swallow your pride and realize who you really are.

Don't be offended when people turn their backs, cross their arms, and

really see you for the man you really are.

disliked, unkind, friendly ( when it suits you), and a world class JACK-ASS

My strange er night

2008-10-16T21:38:00.004-05:00

I think life is so funny. The reason i think this way is because the people who you think wont lift a finger to help you, they show you that they can be good people. Well at least for a short period of time they act like they once loved you. The person i am talking about treated me so badly to the point were i did not ever want to see him again and i thought he felt the same way. I guess he proved me wrong.

I had to go to the hospital and a friend of mine went with me even though she had to go to work the next day. I wonder if she knows how much that meant to me and how thankful i am that she was with me.

Anyway, i am ok. I was in the hospital until about 3am or something like that. My friend left early, because she had to get some rest so that she could go to work. I sat there waiting for the doctors to make up their minds on what to do with me. They went back and forth trying to figure out what would be the best treatment for me. They found out that i had some kind of viral infection, so they gave me antibiotics and morphine for the pain even thought i was not in that much pain.

When it was time for me to go home they called my contact person and for some reason it was Joel a guy i was dating. He gave them his number when he took me to the hospital for food poisoning. I thought i changed it back, but i guess i did not. I did not want him to come get me but i called other people and they were either busy or sleep. I had no choice but to go home with the one person who i did not want to see again.

He got to the hospital and i signed myself out and they rolled me to the car. The whole ride home was silence. I guess i was more confused then anything. I kept thinking why did he tell them he would come and get me and why did i give in so easily. I guess i was ready to go home so i did not care who it was.

When he got me home he had to carry me up the stairs, because i was out of it from the morphine they gave me. He helped me into bed and into my pj's and he slept in the other room. I was worried, because if he wanted to he could have done anything to me and i could not have stopped him. I don't like it when i am like that with people i don't trust, and with him he lost my trust when he broke me. Well, let me get back to my night of craziness.

I think it was around 4am when i started to itch, i guess it was because the drugs were wearing off . Joel came in the room and wiped my arms and legs off with a warm face towel. I guess in a way he showed me that he could be sweet, but in my eyes he will always be an ass. He might have been there for me in the way that a friend or boyfriend should have been, but he is now and never will be anything like that to me again.

I guess people have a way of showing you that they can be kind. I just hope he did not think that just because he was nice to me for a few hours, that i was going to forgive the mean things that he said. I hope that this does not make him think that he has an opening back to my heart, because that will never happen.

I am thankful that my friend was there for me when i knew that she did not have to be and i am also in a strange way thankful for my ex-bf for being there when i knew he could have just as easily said no.

Rain

2008-10-14T16:25:00.003-05:00

Below are lyrics from a song i love called Rain by Patty Griffin. I like this one particular verse, because it is something that i think we have all been through and thought about.

So, read the words and think about them, is this the way you want your life to be? Is this how you want people to think about you?

I know i have had to give up on something or someone, and it is hard to do, but if i did not let them go i knew i could never find what or who is right for me.

The forth and fifth lines means something to me , because i don't want to have to force something that is not meant for me. If it is meant for me and i let it go it will find its way back home to me.

I think that is something we all should think about, before we do something that we cant take back.

(Its hard to know when to give up the fight

Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live)

the people in my life

2008-10-12T20:29:00.006-05:00

All of my friends play an important part in my life weather they are here with me or if they are far away. I love each of them differently and i treat them all different. I guess it is fare, because all my friends treat me differently also. I have a few who treat me like i am a baby and like to do everything for me. I have others who make me do things because they know if i am not pushed i wont do anything. I also have friends who forget that i am a grown woman and not a child, they tend to think i don't know what's going on but i know more than they think. I think there are people who come into your life for a reason and the friends that i have, have made my life a lot more interesting even if they have brought there own drama to my door.

There are also people in my life that i could not help but to be related to, and some of them can drive me mad. I mean is it or is it not bad when you have family that can make you literally ill?There are some people in my family that if i am around them for too long, i want to cut my wrist just to get away from there relentless drama.

I have family members that i would do anything for because we are just that close.My cousins or so overprotective of me, don't get me wrong i love them for that, but it can cause me to keep thing from them. They don't want me to hurt anymore then i have already. I have one cousin in-particular who would hurt anyone and i mean anyone who she thought was using me, mistreating me, or putting their hands on me. I call her my "other mother" even though i am 1 1/2 years older. I cant always tell her what's going on because i don't want her to get her brother (my other cousin who babies me) to do anything crazy. Susan would leave her job to check up on me if she thinks something is in her words "shady" or if she thinks i am hiding something. I love her dearly for that. I think that when i do get married the guy is going to have to talk to her first, thats how protective she is about me.

I have friends and family that i am the same way with. I don't want anyone i love or care about in any way to get hurt, because when they hurt so do i. I am no fighter but if you push me to far you will see what this little lady can do. I have a friend in new york that i have not seen in so long, but we talk everyday. She tells me about her drama and i tell her mine and we just laugh and cry sometimes for hours. I have another friend, but i consider her family because i have known her for 23 years. We talk twice a week about friends, family, work, and our personal lives. I have friends who live in florida who i kind of miss, but not so much were we talk everyday. I love to know that i have friends that i can talk to everyday, because i know that it helps me and it also helps them. I have friends i know i can depend on and i know i have "friends" that don't really care if i leave them or not.

If you want to know something about me it is this, don't be fake, don't hide from me, don't underestimate my ability to figure things out, and don't ignore me. If you do, i will act like i don't know you and you will basically be dead to me.

How to have unconditional love

2008-10-09T17:15:00.000-05:00

I spend a great deal of time reading books pretaining to the way people think. I do it to better understand myself and other people's way of thinking. I came across a great book recently and thought I might share some of the key components to learning how to love someone unconditionally. This may or may not help those out there who have a tough time getting what they feel they "require" in relationships.

First off, start with the basics of a finding a new person or the foundations of an existing relationship. What are some of the factors that attract people to one another? We arent talking just relationships that involve sex. I am talking friends, significant others, and family members. So what makes you want to have a relationship with any of these people? personality, hobbies, intelligence(holding a conversation with interest) and in mating relationships physical attraction, etc.. Ok so you found someone who has all or most of these qualities. How do you keep a relationship from falling apart with unconditional love?

We all learn our demands for a trusting, loving, and sometimes sexual relationship from an early age through observation and the various life experiences we face. For example, my parents had a very distant relationship and never showed affection to one another and rarely showed it towards me. Because of this desire for affection I now demand(addicted to) receiving almost constant affection from the men I meet. If Im in public I love holding hands, if Im alone, I love to be held. When a man I am seeing neglects these types of affection even for logical reasons such as feeling sick, being tired, wanting alone time.. it sometimes causes me to become angry, upset, sad.. etc. So how would someone overcome such demands? It's all about changing the programming of your demands. Instead of saying to yourself "I DEMAND he show me affection all the time. Why is he acting this way?", try changing your thinking to "I would PREFER if he was affectionate all the time. But that is because I have programmed myself to be addicted to affection. He may want space right now or maybe he isnt an affectionate person."

So then how do you go about determining why the person does not want or act the same as you? Easy, you communicate with them and find out. Being completely open and honest with one another is the only way to decide if you accept them for who they are, and not how they want to appear to you, hence leading to unconditional love. People often cater to the needs of others, but when they do this just to satisfy you and not because they truly want to, they are hiding their real self from you.

Finally how do you ask someone why they want/act a certain way without causing them to become defensive? Try asking without nagging or accusing.

The wrong way- example: "why dont you want to hold me? Is there something wrong? I want you to hold me because I need it right now." This is nagging, followed by accusing, followed by demanding.
An approach like this will make the other person feel irritated, guilty, and controlled. You are basically telling them they are wrong for what they are doing and you are right. They may fullfill your need so you dont get angry,and you may feel like you love them for it, but how do you know if they are being themselves or simply portraying the person you want them to be? This will not get you the result you want in the long run. The other person will eventually resent you for making them do something they may "PREFER" not to do.

The Right way- "I really enjoy(prefer) holding each other when we watch tv. We dont have to tonight, but would you like to?" This is expressing your preference, allowing an option, followed by giving the person an opportunity to deny your preference without feelings of guilt.
This approach allows the other person to understand that it is something you prefer rather than demand. This gives the person the option to fullfill your preference to be held or if they do not wish to they will more readily explain in a completely, open honest way why they do not wish to cuddle,WITHOUT feeling pressured that you will be upset with their response. If they decide to change their current action from not holding you to holding you, they can do so without resentment.

You have to understand and accept that your own demands(needs) and your relationship partners' demands(needs) probably are different. The only way to over-come these programmed demands is to change them into preferences. When you prefer rather than demand it gives the relationship the opportunity to grow in a healthy way and you will feel satisfied and happy with the results. You cannot obtain happiness by having demands in your life and expecting others to fullfill them. You have to change those demands to preferences. Sometimes in long term relationships this may not be fixable if you or your significant other has always used a demand approach. Years of demands build a wall between getting to know someone for their true self and accepting them for it.. resentment has built up through the years and you or your significant other feel forced to hold-up this image of who you or they are rather than being themselves.

Unconditional love can only occur when you learn every aspect of the person through completely honest communication. Only then can you decide to accept the person for who they are. Too many people push through relationships like a bulldozer trying to fullfill every demand. You cannot ask someone to change who they are because you are telling them point blank you do not accept them. Feeling unaccepted again will lead to resentment and anger.

What does Love mean to you?

2008-10-09T00:32:00.005-05:00

What does Love mean to you? Love means to me Doing hard things.

I thought about this for a while and the first thing that popped up in my head was Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Faithfulness. How do you know when you are getting these things from the person you are with? How do you know and trust that they are only with you?

I looked back over my life and realized that i have known true love and that is a feel like no other. It is like you are not in your body and all you do is think of the other person. Some say when your young you don't know enough about love to really love but i honestly disagree. When you are with a guy and you are willing to take the bs that he gives you then you know that you are truly in love. When you will take up for him and have his back no matter what, then thats another sign. When you could see your self being there for him when he is not there for you, my dear i must say thats the man of your dreams. Love is a funny emotion, because it can make you do things you never thought you would do. I say this because i have done things that mad me question myself. When i was in love i did everything for this man. I cleaned, cooked, helped with his family, and i also put up with the lie's that he told me. I cared more for this man then i did myself and i know thats bad, but when i am in love and it is true thats how i am. I make sure my guy is happy at all time.My family told me that he was changing me, and that i was not being myself. They told me that i let his issues come before my own issues.

Well after years of doing hard things, I woke up one day and was not In Love with him anymore. It took something major to happen but i realized that we were not meant to be. Which was crazy since i never thought that would happen since we had some amazing time together and he would hold me down when he could also.Leaving him was the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life. I still do love him as a friend. We turned out to be completely different people. I just wonder if there are guys out there who are willing to love the same way.

He loved me, and i can honestly say that, but i was never number 1. I made him number 1 and i was number 2. I let him into my heart to the point of not caring anything else. I was number 1 when he wanted something from me but when i needed him the most he was not there. I don't regret loving him, because he helped me become the woman i am. We shared a loss that hit us both and that will always connect us.

Can you trust your love for someone 100%? Can you trust them enough to give it back you? I would love for that to happen to me, but the way the world/life is nothing is promised and you never know who you are dating. So tell me how you feel about Love and Relationships?

Love is this amazing feeling it is something that can be great, but if not taken care of it can cut like a knife. Everyone should have a chance to feel what real love is. I know that for me, i have felt it and i can't wait to feel it again. Relationships are hard but if you don't work on them how are they going to work.

So, if you are dating someone let them know how you feel, tell them what's in your heart.

Feelings

2008-10-07T12:56:00.003-05:00

When someone hurts you how do you come back from that? Do you spend more time with friends and family or do you stay in your bed and eat your feelings away? I don't know how to respond to these questions, because if i did i think i would be feeling a little better.

Have you ever had someone to break you to the point when you don't realize that you are a mess? I have and i thought that, because i have not known this person for that long that he did not have the power to rip me in two. I guess i was wrong, because he did. I have loved 4 people and only one of those 4 hurt me but i knew him for years. I knew the good, bad , and ugly. So, i was kid of expecting to get hurt at some point. Don't get me wrong, it still hurt because we were together for so long i had no choice but to be hurt and depressed. The others did not hurt me this bad, because i did not allow myself to be completely open with them. I did and still do love them but in very different ways.

I don't want this to break me and i don't want it to send down to a place where i have not gone in a long time.

I want to get pass this because if i don't my sadness is going to turn to hate and thats something i don't want to happen.

I am going to stay in my bed and eat and pray my emotions away. I am going to watch movies that make me laugh. I am going to get up take a shower and realize that tomorrow is another day for me to be thankful for.

So, if you call me and i am crying, that just means i thought about the person that hurt me. If you call and i sound angry, don't worry it is not because of you.

I don't ever want to give someone power over me that will use it to there advantage.

Can't Stop Crying

2008-10-05T21:26:00.003-05:00

It is so hard to deal with things when all you want to do is crawl under your sheets and cry. I don't know what is going on with me, I thought i was holding my self together but when ever i let my guard down i cry. I don't feel sad, but it is like all of a sudden i get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. It is so hard for me to show my emotions, because i don't want my friends see me cry..

When your heart is broken you don't really know what to do. I mean you try to go on with your day, and it just shows up like a bad dream. I thought i was ok, but i realized that i am not. I need to cry and let my feelings out, because if i don't i think it will end up depressed again and i don't want that..

I found these songs on my ipod and they just broke me into little pieces. One is called - hold you in my arms- by Ray LaMontagne and the other is Shelter by the same guy. I did not really know how heart broken i was until i heard these songs. I started crying and i could not stop. The messed up part about this, is that i keep playing them when i am home. I know that sounds like some kind of punishment but i cant help it. I would rather cry alone than with people around me, because i don't think they would understand where i am coming from.

I try to do things to get my mind off the sadness like shopping,eating,praying,talking to friends about their problems or just about things that are going on in their lives. I know that avoiding does not help, but i don't want to be a burden or call people in tears, when i know that they have their own problems.

I am good with helping others, but when it comes to fixing me i cant do it. I can stop the tears for a little while, but they always come back. I might look like i am ok but to tell you the truth i am not. I think i am more broken than ever.

I don't think there has been a night this past week that i have gone to bed happy. I have always gone to bed with tears in my eyes. I am glad i live alone, because some people might think i was crazy.

How long does it take to get over a broken heart? How long will i cry? I don't know the answer to these questions, because each situation is different.

So, for now i guess i will spend time with friends and family and hopefully that will help heal my already fragile broken heart.

Read and Learn

2008-09-29T16:24:00.003-05:00

To be or not to be the way we are...

I think that some people take that saying way to far. I say this because no matter how hard we try to be someone we are not someone always ends up getting hurt. when i say this i mean, that when we women act like we don't give damn that's are way of protecting our selves from the cruelty of men. We tell them that it is ok and we act like what they don't bother us, and you know what that might be true but men tend to take that to the max. Just because we say we don't care, don't think that's an opening for you to tell us about the things you are doing when we are not around. I mean come on, don't you men know that women say that to see if we can trust you with our feelings. We women are delicate creatures and we are cautious of our hearts and who we give them to. That's why we might act like or try to be different from who we really are,because we don't want to be labeled as emotional or difficult.

Men i am not letting you off the hook either, don't think you are innocent, because you are not. Men are the main ones who do this. They come off so sweet and caring at first and then its a complete 180. They say they love you, then they start treating us like ____. They say they can be loyal but be honest, men you can only be as loyal as you are faithful to the woman you are with. You tell us to give you time, but how much time is enough? Do you think that we have nothing better to do? Do you men think that you are the center of our world, because if that's the case you need to be slapped. We women are gifts from god and some of us do have problems but just because you have come across some bad apples don't make the rest of us suffer. Men you need to open your eyes and look at the beautiful women that you have around you. Look at them as gods special gifts for you and realize that if you treat them poorly then god will take your gifts as easy as he gave them to you. I think that as a man you should treat a woman the way that you would want a man to treat you daughter. I know that sounds strange but think about it, would you want your daughter to be walked over and have her feelings hurt? No. So,why do you treat women like this? Tell us the truth and don't worry we are big girls we can take it. Tell us what you want and don't want. Lastly don't CHANGE the way you are to make us happy and then when we are comfortable you switch back to the

person you really are. If you have a woman in your life that you think might be the one for you, take my advice and be a man and tell her how you feel. Hold on to her, because she might just wake up and realize that you are not worth her time or heart.........

Women have a choice to stand by her man or to let him go, but sometimes that is easier said then done.

As a woman i found myself in the same situations and let me tell you they can burn and make you shut down. I have male friends that i love dearly and i must say that if i could have an hour with them i would tell them about them selves. I would tell them not to take women for granted just because " there are more fish in the sea". I would also tell them that if the women in their lives are just friends, they should still treat them right, because they can walk away just the same.

Getting the bad news out the way sucks, even when you know it was inevitable.

2008-09-25T03:46:00.005-05:00

OK, i could not sleep, because i had somethings on my mind. I know it is late but what can i say when my mind gets going, i cant stop it. I tried to work out to get the thoughts or stress out of my mind, but that really did not work.

When i am stressed i find my self being a little sleep deprived. I know that might not be the most healthiest thing but that's how i am. I tried to sleep, but that just had me tossing and turning. I got up and turned on my music and worked out for about 2hrs. When i got done i felt more awake than ever. I wanted to call someone to vent but i did not know who to call. So, i decided to blog it. I am going out this weekend with someone who i did not expect to hear from anymore and i don't know whats going to happen. Everything in me is telling me that is it not going to be good, and to be honest that's no surprise to me. I just wish it could be over like i thought it was any way. Why cant he just man up and tell me over the phone what i already knew? Why does he fill like he has to take me out to "officially" end it. When it has been over for a while now.

I am not saying that i have moved on, but i have gotten over the hurt a little. Why does he feel the need to make me hurt anymore? Why cant he just let things be? I think part of him wants me to act like a fool in public and the other part thinks he think i will fight to stay with him. If that's the case he is going to get a rude awakening. I might act a fool, but i don't want to be with him anymore.

I have one rule and that is, once you hurt me to the point when i want to cry all day and constantly, that's it and i am done with you. I might forgive later on down the road but i will never forget.

I guess i am getting what i deserve, because every bone in my body told me that he would hurt me, but he was so sweet, kind, and patient with me that i gave him a chance anyway. Look where that got me, no where special.

I know god has a plan for me, but why i am binging put through so much, when i am such a sweet and good person? I just want to scream sometimes!

A part of me wants to say fuck it( sorry for the bad words but when i am pissed that's what happens) but that's not me. I want to act like a bitch, because that's what guys seem to like. I say that because when you are nice to them they treat you like a door mat. I refuse to change the way i am! i am going to stay true to myself and maybe one day i will find the guy who will appreciate me for me, not for the person that i am not. .

27 years

2008-09-24T12:16:00.004-05:00

As i look back over the past 27 years of my life, i realized that i have not done most of the things that i thought i would have done by now. traveling is one of those things and i must say that the only one i have stayed true to. I think that's they only thing i knew i would be doing at this point. I just did not know that i would be doing it alone.

I looked at some of the changes that i have made and realized that i am kind of happy that i am not where i thought i would be. I think that if not for some of the bad, i would be in a place where there would be no happiness. Where i would probably be a smoker and more of a drinker. I also know that the "too nice Tiffany" would no longer exist.

I thought i would be married by now, and i could have been but that would have been the most hateful and abusive marriage. I thought i would have kids by now and i would have had kids but i would not have wanted them to grow up in that kind of house hold. I would still be working and that's the only thing that i would be happy about. I would still have my faith in god but i would always be asking why.

I think it is funny how life can change in a blink of an eye. I mean all it took was one day a few years ago to change how my life is today. Do i regret what happened? I do but when i think about what could have been i am sorry to say i don't. Am i sorry that i finally stood up for myself not knowing what was going to happen next? No, because i am not a fighting person but when you push me too hard and too far i push back. If i could go back and do it all over again would i? Yes, because with out those experiences i would not be me. I would not be the person that stands up for her self and i would not know the people who have come into my life since.

So, 27 years and i have lived through pain,loss,deep depression, abuse, and a loveless heart. I have found out who i truly am and the kind of woman that i want to be but if not for those things i don't know if i could say that.

So, look back over your life and ask your self are you at the place where you thought you would be? Are you happy at this point in your life? Are there any significant things that happened to you, that made you the person that you are today?

What does your mirror tell you about you?

2008-09-22T23:47:00.002-05:00

Have you ever taken a long look at your self in a mirror, if so what did you see? Was it a hansom or beautiful person, or was it someone that you did not recognise? What qualities make up who you are? Is is your good heart,kindness,your generosity, or is it your faith?
Close your eyes and look deep into your heart and try to see the goodness with in. Don't look at your self and only see the negative parts, look at the ones that make up who you are as a person. Look at the positive things that you have done with your life and for the people you love. Never let people make you feel like you are worthless, because we are all worth something to someone. However, you should never want to come across as an argent person either, because if you do you will forever be alone.
Take another look at your self and see the person that you want to be, is that person a god fearing person or a person without morals? Is that person full of hate, forgiveness, or self sacrifice?
Look into your brown, blue,green, or black eyes do you see a lost soul behind those eyes looking for salvation or do you see a lost child looking for love from another.
When i look into the mirror i see a woman who has been hurt,lied to, and betrayed by the people who claim to love me. I see a woman who has been pushed so close to the edge that, at any moment i could snap and become a person that people don't believe i could be. I am a loving person not a person who likes to fight.
If i could change one thing about me, that would be nothing. I like the person that i am, don't get me wrong i don't think i am perfect in any way. When i look at my self i see a person that people can trust. I see a good friend and a very good listener. I just wish some of my friends would stop treating me like i am a fragile doll. If anything I want my friends to treat me like i treat them. I want them to tell me whats going on in their lives without thinking that they are changing the way i think of them.
When i look at my self i see kindness, but don't forget that i am not angel. I know how to break people if need be and i know how to handle myself against the foolishness of this world.
This is how i see myself when i look in the mirror.So, tell me what do you see in your self?

why are men so complicated?

2008-09-21T12:52:00.002-05:00

I think open communication is not too much to ask for, in fact i think it is the cornerstone to any relationship. Honesty and trust is another big thing in any relationship and i think it is a must. Keeping an open mind and heart can do wonders, if you are deserving. Making others feel like they have done something wrong, when it is you who are making the mistakes just makes you look like an ass. When i say relationship i am not just talking about dating, i am also talking about friendships. How do you expect for people to want to be around you when you treat them like they are worthless.
This goes for men and women, you should treat people the way that you would want to be treated. Let them know that you are a person that they can count on. Let them know that know matter what they tell you that you will be there for them and never turn away. Friends are hard to find, and for some of us they are hard to keep, so when you think you have found a good friend let them know.
Talking and sharing your feelings with another person can do wonders. It can make you feel better and it will make your friend feel like they made a difference in your life. Locking your self down just because you think you can is not acceptable in any situation. Binging rude and inconsiderate to the people in your life is just another way of saying that you don't and probably never gave a damn.
Take me for example-In the relationship that i was in, it started off so sweet and wonderful. It almost seemed to good to be true. I guess i was right, because when we were pushed and put into a situation of grief and pain. i found out that all men, including the one i was with, are just babies and they don't know how to handle them selves under pressure. Men seem to think that it is easier to blame others for what they do.
They think it is ok to say that they only did something, because you (the woman) wanted to. I think that is a cop-out and a selfish way to be. Like i said before men are like big kids looking for a mother. They say they want to be loved, but are they willing to love back? I think so but on there own terms. They say they are good men, but you just have to deal or put up with there shit until they decide on who they want to be with. Is that right? Hell no, because we are all adults and we should know what we want and if not we need to think before we jump.
Women have feelings and sometimes they do get the best of us, but nine times out of ten we have a right to be emotional. Do we want attention from the man that we are with or our male friends? Yes, but not so much when it feels like we are being smothered. Do we need honesty and respect? Yes, because with out that what else do we have. Women can we give our selves to men fully? No, because just when you think it is safe to let down the wall, they do something dumb. Women do we want to give a man everything that we have? Yes, because that's how we are. We want to love passionately,unconditionally, and we want the man that we are with to know that they have all of us.
To all the women out there keep a few things in mind, and remember that things do get better in time.
1.we are all special and we deserve the best not the lest from a man.
2.Don't expect something from a man when you know that he is incapable of it.
3.Don't feel bad when you fall for the ass of the world, just look at it as a learning experience. 4.Lastly don't give up, because mister right is out there, he just has not let you yet.
5.Have a little faith that one day you will be happy

Life is what happens when your?

2008-09-19T13:18:00.003-05:00

I was talking to a friend of mine and we were going over the random things that have happened to me over the past 13yrs since she has known me. I never really thought about it until now but a few of those random things could have killed me. I know that i picked a strange time to bring this up but today we were talking about it an we laughed, because she asked me if i was cursed. I don't believe in that, but it is something to think about. Lets run down a list of things that have happened to me.
1. a car crash on January of 04. my father and i could have been killed but we lived thanks be to god. i figured it just was not my time or his. I knew we could have been killed because he saw the same type of accident and no one survived.
2.a series of fires that happened in the same year lead to one that also could have killed me. it was march of 05. One person was killed and several injured. Again i said it was not my time, because that one was close.
3. a hostage situation on thanksgiving of 06.I had just gotten home a week or so before that when a man decided that just because a baby was crying he could not take it any more. i had to walk out of my building hands held high and about a block to get into my cousins car. . That was a sad day, not because of me but because of the evil that some people have in their hearts.If you are sad and want to kill your self be my guest but don't take Innocent people with you.
I think god puts us through things just to see what we can a can not handle. He protects his children from harm and danger. I believe that, because there have been times when i know that i could have been taken away. I am grateful for the things and the people that i have in my life and i don't think i could ask for anything more. I think the things that have happened to me and to all of us make us stronger people.
So, be blessed and grateful for every day, because only god knows when our time is up.
I pray to god every day that i do the best that i can and that i make the right decisions. I pray that my heart can be open to love those who have hurt me and forgive those who have wronged me. I pray that my friends and family don't take things for granted that they should not, because anything or anyone can betaken away in a blink of an eye. Most importantly i pray for the life that god gave me, because with out the obstacles that i have gone through ( only 3 of my readers know about all of them) i don't think i would be the person that i am today. So, i thank god for making me the person that i am.With no complaints or arguments i keep going and i think you all should do the same.

one can't play this game pt 2

2008-09-18T15:36:00.005-05:00

Logic and reason go out the window when we think we have found the one. The one that we think is good for us and the one we think we can help. Yes, he has his down falls and yes he might not be perfect but for some reason we can not let him go. He might say one thing and mean another or he will flat out lie, just because he thinks he can. He might say the right things to keep us around, but sooner or later ladies we are going to have to put the men in there places.

Men this goes for you to, women are not the only ones who put their faith and heart into the one they want to be with. You men just have an ass backwards way of doing things. Men no more games, unless you are willing to lose everything.

We all have our short comings and we all have something in us that the opposite sex is looking for. God made each one of us. He did not make us all the same, but at the same time he made someone that we are compatible with. He is not going to let this person into our lives until we learn how to live,love, and care for our selves. He would not and will not bring that person into our lives knowing full well that we are just going to hurt them. He will not let that person come into our lives knowing that they are going to pulled down into our own personal hell. God loves all his children and wants us to be happy.

Can love and lust make us crazy? I think it can, because sometime they get confusing in our minds and hearts. Can our emotions make us weak for the ones that might not deserve our hearts? Yes and no depending on who that person is and if you think he/she is worth the pain that might come along. Will we all fall in love? Oh god i hope so, because i don't want to walk this world alone. Is it right for us to make others feel bad, because someone else makes us feel like we are important when knowing there are others in our lives who do the same thing? No, everyone in our lives gives us something different and make us feel loved.

Don't make promises you cant keep and don't make others feel like they are useless just because they are not following you around like a pup or making you top priority.

No one person can love and care for you like god does. so, stop looking and maybe, just maybe that whom ever he/she might be will come to you ready and willing.

One can't play this game

2008-09-18T12:50:00.003-05:00

The number one question is this, can you be open and honest with the person that you claim you want to be with?

Honesty, is the best policy. Telling people what you want from them with out playing the head games, thinking they know what you are thinking is a cruel joke. Making them think that you want more from them, when you cant even find your ass is even worse. Leading, manipulating, lying, and secrets can make people question you and your state of mind. Talking and being honest can get you along way with me or anyone else that i know. Relationships regardless if they are dating/friendships are built on knowing that you have a person there that you can share almost anything with.

Relationships are hard enough in the world that we live in. Don't mess them up by bringing sex into the play unless you and the other person both know what is going on in the others head. Sex is a way of hiding when you don't want to talk about what's going on in your life. It is an escape that some men/women use when they don't know what they want but they know they want sex. When you are friends and i have friends that i just call friends, i don't use them for sex when ever i feel the need. I don't play with their feelings because i know that it can come back to bite me. If i want something more from a friend i have the guts and tell them, i don't just assume that they know what i want. The whole friends with benefits thing only works when you both know what's going on.

So, if you are one of these people that i am talking about, then tell the other what you want before it is too late and they end up hating you.

Obstacals

2008-09-15T15:57:00.003-05:00

Life gives us obstacles that we have to go through every day of our lives. I think that it is up to us to figure out weather or not we do the right things.

No one person is better than the next, and no one person can make decision for you but you. Everything that we do to, say to, and how we treat the people who come into our lives and or to the people who are already in our lives says a lot about our personality. If a friend helps you do you say thank you? i would hope so, because that is the right and gracious thing to do. If they do something for you that they did not have to do, do you appreciate them? Yes, because they could have said no. When you need help (we all need help) you know that there are people in your corner who you can turn to for help is a good thing, because some people do not have that. Obstacles in families, jobs, relationships, and personal trials are just a few examples. Some we/you go through a lone and some might take a little extra help from others , because like i said before no one person is perfect.

Say thank you to the people that help you.

Tell the people who help that you appreciate them for what they do for you.

Understand that when they do something for you, it is not to make you happy, but they do it because they care for you and want the best for you.

Tell your friends that you love them, because sometimes they need to know it and hear it from you.

Have respect for, be honest to, and treat the people that you love or claim you love well, because one day you might just look up and they will no longer be there.

Obstacles, they come in many shapes and forms. All we can do is pray, be patient, and hope that we make the right decisions.

( To all the people who have helped me, i say thank you, i love you, and always remember i will be there for you when you need me like you are there for me)

a dream from hell

2008-09-14T11:35:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night and it scared the living hell out of me. I went to bed at 3am after what i thought was a good day. I spent time with a friend we laughed and talked about things that made us feel a little depressed and happy.

Things were going well until i got home. I spent a little time online getting things set up and seeing if everything was they was it was supposed to be.

I got settled into bed and everything went down hill from there. I had a dream that mad me literally jump out of my sleep.

I was working with my friend in a church, but it was not really a church. We were talking and laughing with each other, if anything i can say that maybe, i was a little to happy. There were other people there that i knew but only in the dream not in real life. There was a scene that faded in and out. It was me with my mother suddenly, she was a little older and she kept telling me that she loved me and that she was happy that i did not give up on her. That happened a few times throughout out my dream. I faded back into my friend and i. We where getting a long better than i think we do in real life ( that i think is weird but what ever). We where in my house laughing, playing, and just being happy with each other. There was nothing sexual about it at all, it was just two friends having fun together. I faded back to my mom and it was the same as before nothing new. When i picked back up to my friend and i we were both getting into shady looking car's. He was driving on the side of me making faces and making me laugh ( we both did that back and forth). I was so happy and i thought that was a good thing but what happened next hurt me to my core. Some how we ended up going our separate ways and i was still happy and i had this strange feeling like there was a baby in the back seat of my car but i never really confirmed that. I think i drove for about 10 or 15 min when out of no where a man was standing on the corner in white shoes, blue jeans, a blue and red jersey with numbers on it, and a ear ring in his ear. When i woke up i could still see his face clear as i am alive. He looked at me dead in my eyes and he shot the front end of my car and it exploded with me inside. I could hear the gunshot as if it were right next to my head. I jumped up out of my sleep and i could hardly catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack. Why would i dream something like this? Why would my friend make me so happy but then i end up dead in the end? We got along fine and i know it did not have anything to do with him, but why would he be the one making me happy and in the end i lost my life? I love my friend and i want him to be happy and i want to be happy also, so that's why i was happy that we were both happy in my dream. My friend is kind, sweet, understanding, and a very good person. He is there for me when i need him, that's the problem why would i associate him with a painful death. What does it mean? is someone going to hurt me and i am not going to be able to come back from it? Is a new love in my life going to put my life in danger? Is my friend going to turn on me and hate me to the point when i feel like i want to die? I don't know what to think, i just want clarity.

-dazed and confused-

Marriage

2008-09-09T14:09:00.004-05:00

Marriage can be a hard thing to make work but if you put your whole heart into it, anything is possible. Marriage is about two people coming together to make a whole. It is about bringing the best and worst of two people together and making significant unit that can withstand anything that tries to pull them apart. No one person is better than the next and that is what marriage should never be about. It is about the completion of your self through another person, not because you have to but because you want to.

When look at your future husband/wife you should see the things that you would see in your self plus many other thing. Your spouse should not be your twin, because none of us are suppose to marry our selves, if we did that would make for a boring marriage.

Marriage is about love,commitment,honesty,loyalty, and sacrifice. It is about getting to know each other and growing with and old with one another.

(Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).)

When i get married i would hope that he is kind,caring, honest,loyal, and knows who he is and where he comes from. I would hope that he would teach me how to be a better person and make my faith in god grow stronger. I am just like every other woman that i know. We want a man who wants us for who we are not what we have.God knows who we are and he knows what we want or need to be better people. it is up to us to live by his word and do what he ask of us.If we do this, then he will bless us to find the person that he wants us to be with.

(I got an email from a friend of mine and that's why i was inspired to write this. So, to a new friend that has graced me with her presence and insight, i say thank you.)

whats your bliss?

2008-09-08T17:52:00.002-05:00

you live and you learn by experiencing new and interesting things in life. Can you honestly say that you have lived the life that you always wanted? Can you honestly say that you put your best foot forward? I would hope so because if not, maybe you have not lived the kind of life that you wanted or think you deserve. I don't care what job you have, but if you are not happy with what you are doing then you are only doing it to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, paying the bills are important, but i think if you can do what makes you happy then you should.
Living life is about taking chances, making big or small risks, and doing the unthinkable. Life is about making friends and making sure that they are the ones you want to be around you. If you are lucky enough to have 6 very good friends and if you know that they will have your back no matter what, then you are doing better than most people. If you can say that you are happy at least 3 days out the week, than more power to you. Life is not about being happy 24/7 it is about knowing that you are doing your best. Some people say that their bliss comes from how much money, how their homes look, or if they have the spouse of their dreams. I think that your bliss should come from what makes you happy.
My bliss comes from my faith in knowing that there is someone out there looking out for me and knowing that i am a good friend. My bliss also comes from when i sing and paint. I have not painted in along time and not a lot of people know that i like to paint and that is because i keep it to myself. My bliss comes from a place in me that i rarely let people into, because it is for me.
What is you Bliss? Is it painting, reading,writing,your job, your children, or many there things that i can name.What (other than money) makes you Happy?

Ope Your Eyes

2008-09-07T21:33:00.003-05:00

Open your eyes to all the possibilities that life has to offer you.

Open your eyes to see what your heart really wants and close it to what you think will make you happy.

Open your eyes and realize that God has a plan for you and all you have to do is sit back, be patient, and wait for it.

Open your eyes and see that the people around you love you for who you are not what you have, might have in the future,or the things that you are going to have.

Open your eyes and see that if you treat people like they are Shit, i grantee that's how you are going to be treated.

Open your eyes and see that with out honesty all you have are lies.

Open your and see that when you say " I Love You" and don't mean it, you are not only hurting someone else, but you are also putting your life in danger.

Open your eyes, heart, mind, and soul, because you never know when a good thing is going to come your way.

This is the real me!

2008-09-02T14:12:00.005-05:00

Lately i have been taking a long look at my self and my personality. I don't know if it is because someone told me that i was not being true to myself or was it because it seems like i am not getting what i put out into the world.

Sometimes i feel like i don't fit into the place that i am in right now. i feel like i am living a life that someone else should be living. I love my friends and my family, but sometimes i feel like i am not being the person that i want to be. I feel like i am being someone else to make others happy. When i am at home and alone i feel like i am the only one on the planet and nothing else is even around me. I feel like the people that i let in don't get me and that's ok but sometimes it can feel so lonely. I feel like at times that i am not exceeding the expectations that people have for me and i feel bad about that, because i don't want to let them down. I feel like i have to be this sweet person 24/7 when half the time i wish i could say whats really on my mind with out the fear that i will be disliked. i wish i could be like some people that i know and not give a damn what people think about me. I say that i don't care what people think and i don't depending on who you are and if i care about you and your thoughts.

when i do break down and let people into my world it is hard because they don't always turn out to be the people i think they are. it is hard for me to let people in because i don't want to be hurt or let down. I don't want them to pretend to care when they don't, because that just make s me feel used and makes me want to shut down even more.

when i love, i love fiercely and unconditionally. I am the kind of person that keeps her emotions inside and when i do let them out for you to see, it is only because i believe in you and i trust that you will be there for me when i need you.

who is the real me? I am kind, caring,honest, giving,loving, emotional ( if i know i can trust you), bitchy ( but only if you cross me), and a very good friend. I can keep secrets, because i have a few of my own, and i know when to keep my mouth shut. I have a fear of letting people in but if i do let you in, you should know that it was hard for me to do and i don't do that often. I don't like when people take advantage of my good nature and try to use me for their own sadistic nature. i don't like to be used for anything, but in this world everyone uses everyone for something so i should get use to it.

U want me 2

2008-09-01T01:29:00.002-05:00

I heard this song a few days a go and i just fell in love with it. I like how it sounds and the way it makes me feel. So, if you are in love, over love, or just confused by it. i think you would still find a way to love this song.
U Want Me 2-by Sarah mclachan
You walk on by Clueless and so high Following your aimless path away from us You're so far away And what can I say Cause I can't be the one you wanted me to be
So tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
So what are we saying Our Eden's a failure A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world The one with "I do"s and I love you And we are made for each other Is forever over now?
And tell me how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall apart Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?
I hope there's forgiveness In the distance between us Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?
So tell me, how do you feel It's so confusing If you let it all go, it'll fall --- Do you want me to stay and say I still want you You want me too, don't you?

A Good Man

2008-08-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

Where are all the good men?
A good man is so hard to find and sometimes its like they are running of short of them. I don't think it is to much to ask for a man that is kind,caring,honest,open,no drama,no head games,and absolutely no bull shit. Why is it that when a man finds a good woman he treats her like a human door mat? why do men take kindness for weakness? Why is it that when we are getting to know them they show us the sweet and caring side of them but then as soon as they think they have us they flip the script? I am a sweet,kind,caring,compassionate, and understanding just like all the other women that i know,so why do we get caught up by the most random men on the damn planet? They either say one thing and mean something else or they lie to our face hoping not to be caught. Why do they try to talk us into doing something that they want to do instead of being honest and telling us what they want? Is it just so they can feel like you were pushing up on them and not the other way around? The last time i checked this was not high school and we are grown ass adults who should not have to play games.They have no problem sleeping with us but when they think that they have done something wrong they change up and act like nothing happened. They say they just want to be friends but as soon as they are alone with us they try to play with us like we are there little toy dolls. why cant they just make a decision and stick with it. Like i said before,and i will keep saying until it sticks no bull-shit. I also think that men get confused when they don't know what and that's because they don't really know them selves yet.
For myself,i have been with 4 men in my life and i have truly loved them all on some level. One treated me like a angle in the beginning and then flipped and treated me like a second class what ever. another treated me so kind and sweet and sometimes i still miss him, because he knew what hell he was doing with me. the third was kind,open,a little bossy, and shy about what he wanted from me. the last guy, i don't know what to say really, but what i do know is that he has his good and bad days and he is just confused in his life and about what he wants. If i could take a little from each and make one truly perfect man i would be a happy camper.
guys are always jumping from girl to girl and bed to bed hoping to find the one they want, but what they don't know is that when they do this to us and not giving a damn about our feeling, they are just making us bitter and cynical towards the opposite sex. Thats why it is so hard for some women to open up and trust, because of the damage anther man has caused without even knowing it.
To all the women keep your hearts,minds,and souls safe from men until they have proven them selves to be worthy of what you have to give.

what would you do?

2008-08-28T15:38:00.005-05:00

would you be there for me when i cried?

would you hold me and tell me everything will be alright?

would you pick me up when i fall?

would you give me an ear when i need to speak?

would you love me for me and never want me to change?

would you pray for me when you know that my spirit is low?

I would hope so, because those are all the thing i would do for you.

would you show me that there is another way when my way does not work?

would you show me that life has a purpose when i think all is lost?

would you show me your heart and trust me not to hurt it?

would you show me your faith in god knowing that i believe in god as well?

I hope so, because i would show all of these things to you because i believe in you.

would you let me see you cry?

would you let me see you when you don't want to let anyone else in?

would you let me into you most secret thoughts knowing that i will keep them with me always?

would you let me help you when you needed help knowing that i would never turn you down?

and lastly would you let me see the real you knowing that i will take you as you are and never force you to be any different.

friendship is built on trust, honesty, love, compassion, faith, hope, understanding.friendship is knowing that there will always be some one who has your back when no one else does. friendship is knowing that when you need someone to pray with you or for you, you know that they will without question.

to all my friends keep me in your prayers because you are always in mine.

-God gives us peace when need it and he gives us rest, but if you think about it what do we give god in return? God is there for us even when our friends are not able to be there, we just have to listen and be obedient-

Every thing is a balance

2008-08-22T14:40:00.005-05:00

with every broken heart, there is a new beginning to life.
with every cry, there is a new hope that you are still alive inside.

with every argument or fight that you might have, there is always a peaceful coexistence to be found.

with every trial that life throws at you go at it with everything that you have, because knowing that you did your best is the greatest gift you can give yourself
with every hug, kiss, or smile, there is a feeling of compassion that you share with those who you deem to be acceptable.

Don't be afraid to hurt, because with out hurt you will never be able to live life to the fullest. Don't be afraid to let people into your world, because if you keep pushing people away you will truly be alone. Don't shut down when you feel like life is getting to hard for you. Don't let the past inter fear with your future, because the past is the past and that's where is needs to stay. Don't be quick to criticise those who are around you just because they are doing something that you might not agree with. In life you have to be open to the possibilities of something new, real, and true. In life you have to know the difference between giving up or giving in to what you want rather than what you think will make you happy.

If you have lived your life like i have then you know that it is a day by day process. Live every day as if it were your last, because none of us know when that day is going to come. So, i say cry when you are sad and don't be ashamed of it, ask for help from your friends because that's what they are here for, and lastly never judge someone because of what they are doing, how they are living, and the choices that they are making.
....make the choices in your life mean more then just something temporary, let the choices you make mean something that can last forever

God give us peace

2008-08-21T15:10:00.004-05:00

God give me and those around me the strength to deal with thing that we can not change.

God give us hope in knowing that we all are doing what is right even though it might not seem like it

God give us peace in knowing that you are always with us.

God watch over us and care for us as well as the people who we care for.

God help us to be a better people,so that we may help the people who need us the most and recognize those who only want to do us harm.

My faith in god has not been shaken but the will to do the right thing has been. I know that i have made my fare share of mistakes and for that i am sorry. I know that i have to live a life that is acceptable to god but sometimes i fall short and need to be pulled back so that i might see what god has planned for me.

Am i going to fall short? yes i am because i am human and we all make mistakes.

Am i going to be forgiven? i would hope so but only if i ask for forgiveness.

Give hope when hope is needed. Give forgiveness when you know that it can change a persons life.Give encouragement when you know that just a little can go along way. Give love to those you love because every now and then saying i love you to a friend,family member, or anyone can make that person feel as if they are not alone and that they are loved by you and by God

If we (freeley) admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, he is faithful and just ( true to his own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ( John 1:9)

the un-known

2008-08-13T21:07:00.002-05:00

I have this over whelming fear of ill contentment. i don't know why, i just do. i feel like the walls of my life are closing in on me and i cant seem to catch my breath. I feel sad and at the same time i am happy and yes to some of you that might seem a little crazy. I have this sickening feel that i can not shake but i know that i am a very strong woman and i can over come anything. I am a pacifist at heart and i don't think that anyone or anything can change that about me, but i could be wrong if pushed too far. Lately i have had this feel distance from myself. I feel like i am not being true to me and the person that i want to be. I have a gift and at the same time i think it is some kind of curse. i can make people feel better about them selves and whats going on in their lives, but when it comes to pleasing me and making me happy, its like i am speaking to a complete stranger. I have to earn to let go and let things be. I pray when i am down but sometime that does not help. I sing and i feel like the world is listening to me and i am free. I dance because it takes the energy that i have left over in me when i can not rest. I have come to realize that i am blessed to have the things that i want and people who love me, but that is not enough. I still have the feeling in me like there is a piece missing from my heart.

letting my heart free

2008-08-13T17:37:00.003-05:00

Someone once said "with every new life there is a new beginning." i wonder if that's a true statement? I wonder if a new life can bring forth forgiveness and a new trust? I am the kind of person that believes that everything happens for a reason and that if it is not meant to be then it wont be. I also wonder, can friends forgive when they know that you have done something that can change your life forever? Can your true friends be the bigger person and stand by you when other people put you down? I hope so, because i need those kind of people in my life. I need people in my life that i can trust and know that they will stand by me no matter what i do or say. I need true friends not fake. I need people who will call and check up on me when they think i need to hear a friendly voice. That's just me and that's what has been on my heart. i just wanted let it out.

do we really change or is it just the people around us who change?

2008-08-06T15:27:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a old friend of mine and he told me that i am the same sweet person that he use to know in high school. i thought that was strange because i have been told over the years that i have changed. I have been told from some people that i know that i have become more self involved, twisted, angry, spiteful towards some people and just plain devilish and not in a good way. I can honestly say that i have been called these things but i don't really understand why. That's why when he told me that i was still the same it bothered me.I started to think that maybe i was not the one changing maybe it was the people who were around me. I know that we all change but i don't necessarily think it has to be for the worst. I have noticed the changes in my life and i think that they have only made me a better person. I have also noticed the changes in people that i know and i have seen the good and bad. I think that everything that we go through has some kind of purpose. I think that we just have to figure out what it is before it is to late. Is change good? i think it is. I think you should just make sure it is for the better, for your self and not someone else.

tell me a secrete!

2008-08-04T15:30:00.002-05:00

Can you keep a secrete? I can. Can you trust a person with something that you don't want anyone to know about? I have things in my life that i don't want people to know about and i am sure a lot of us are like that. I have deep dark secrets that only a select few know about and i am happy, because some are good but others have had a effect on me that i don't wish to share with the whole world. I have had a chance to share these secrets with people that i trust and i would think that they would return the favor. I would think that if i told you something about me and my life that you would feel like you can trust me. I can be a good listener and i can keep things to myself if you tell me to but how can i if you don't give me a chance. So, tell me whats on your mind, because i will tell you whats on mine.

?????

2008-07-28T18:26:00.003-05:00

I know that when people are asking you questions they are only trying to learn more about you. I don't mind when people or someone ask me questions. I don't however like it when they think he/she can persuade me to detach my self from someone just because they might have an issue with them. I don't like it when someone questions my friendships with people because i am not naive and i will not let anyone walk all over me like i am a floor mat. I know that god has a plan for me and for us all and i highly doubt it that he will be disappointed with us if we have friends of the opposite sex. If that is the case, then he is or should be very angry with me.I have a lot of male friends some i trust more than others but they are still in my life. I don't let them decide who i will and will not date and i don't let them try to change me because that's not the kind of person i am. I love and care deeply for all the men who are in my life it does not matter if they are friends, family, or potential mates. I love them all because they all bring something different into my life. I wont let anyone tell me that i should pull away someone in my life just because they might find or think they have faults. I say this, because we all have faults and god does not pull away from us, so what gives us the right to pull away? If anything i want to help that person not leave them to fend for them selves. I would want that person to know that i am and will always be there for them. i will always love and care for them even when they think that they are alone. i would never push anyone to the side lines because i would not want that done to me. So, If any of my friends are reading this then listen to me good. I will always be there for you no matter what you do, say, or even how you behave. I wont cast you out because others might think i should and i wont let any ones feelings towards you make me question the kind of person you are.

I wish i were numb

2008-07-09T09:36:00.003-05:00

I wish i were numb! I wish i could not feel the things that linger in my mind. I have not cried like this such a very long time and i don't know why i did last night. I was having a quiet time like i always do. I don't think anything was different about what i was doing or even how i was feeling but for some reason i started to cry. I was praying and all of a sudden it was like everything that had been pint up in me was let go and i felt like i could not breath. It was like the flood gates were open and i had to just let it all out and i did that for about 2hrs. My heart was literally hurting. I felt like i was so alone and i don't even know why. When i pray it is normally for my family, friends, peace, health, and what ever else is on my mind at the time. I am not a selfish person in any way but last night that's how i felt. I wanted the pain that i felt to go away. I wanted the feelings that i had to go away so that i could have some kind of peace but when i finally stoped all i felt was sadness. There was no anger, bitterness, there was just sadness. When i woke up this morning i felt the same way. I can feel this overwhelming sadness in me. I feel like at any moment i am going to break down and just let what ever is in me out.That's why i decide to write this, because i thought maybe if i put it into words it would make me feel a little better. I just realized that it is not making me feel better or worse, it is just making me feel.

-x

Love 2

2008-07-07T16:56:00.002-05:00

Have you loved someone with all your heart? Have you ever given them the trust that you thought you could never give to another in that special way? Have you ever fallen for a person so hard and so fast that you thought that you were going crazy? Well i have been feeling that way lately. I don't know when it happened but i do know that it crap up on me. I guess i am saying this because i am the kind of person that likes to see and know when things are happening. I am the type of woman who wants to know when she is loved by the man that she is with. I guess that when it comes too soon i get a little sketchy about it. I wonder if the feeling are coming from a true place or if they are trying to get something from me. I think i am going to have to let those thought go because not all men are like that. I have to let my emotions free to feel the things that i want to feel. I know that i have to live my life the way that god wants me to and i am happy to do that. I know i can not control my emotions but i can control my actions and i am glad that this person knows this and respects me for this.
This is just something that i read and made me think
Blessed ( happy,fortunate,to be envied) is the man whom you choose and cause to come near, that he may dwell in your courts! He shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, your holy temple.

giciaic

2008-06-30T21:03:00.003-05:00

i am finally able to get back online. it has only been a few days but i did miss it. i am in my new place, well almost. it is not done just yet but in about a week or maybe less i will be in there for good. i have new home number just when i finally memorised the old one they just had to go and change it on me. Lol, i guess that's how life is just when you think everything is all good you get a kick to knock you right back to reality. that's all for now keep up with me, because i have some interesting news to share in the coming weeks.
-xoxoxo
P.S. i have a little puzzle for you to figure out
graciousness is caring in all instances of compassion-if you can figure this out then you got me

trust

2008-06-25T22:48:00.002-05:00

there are 7 people in my life that i trust with everything that i have. these people mean the world to me and with out them i think i would be lost. some of these people i have known for my entire life and some i have only known for months. i know some of you might think that i am crazy for trusting people that i have only known for months, but when i give someone my trust that means that they have earned it. trust is something that i hold dear to me and it is something that i value. it is almost as important to me as love is. i don't like it when someone tells me who i should and should not trust especially when they have not given me a good enough reason. just because one does not like the other does not and will not change how i feel about the person. i have to have my own reasons and my own doubts about the person in order to know how i should feel and if i should not trust them at all. if you are one of the people that i trust then i don't have to tell you, because you should already know it. i do have friends that i don't trust completely and i don't know if i ever will. i do know this, it i not because i don't want to, it is just my way of sorting out the good from the bad. i don't know where my life is headed or even if it is going to go the way i want it to but i do know this, without god and the people that i trust by my side i will forever be lost.
-xoxoxo
p.s this will be my last blog until my internet is back on in my new place.

untitled

2008-06-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

i have been trying to make some hard decisions for my life for the last couple of days. i have asked different friends for their opinions but i know that they can only tell me what they think. i know that it is my life but sometimes a little help from the people that care about you can go along way. i know that they might just say what i want to hear or they might just tell me the truth and not really care about the impact it will have on me. i think that's a very good thing, because a true friend will tell you what is really on their minds. i am the kind of person that likes to be told what to do sometimes. i know that might sound a little juvenile but that's how i am. i know that my judgement about some people can be a little foggy, so i depend on the people that i love to tell me what they think and if they think i am making a mistake. i am the type of person that can give very good advice but for some reason i cant take my own words and use them for myself. i love to help people but i am careful with who i let help me. i am the last person to ask for help even when i know i need it. it is not a pride thing it is just how i am. i have compassion, love, understanding, and a open heart to anyone who wants it. i know that's the biggest problem that i have. i tend to be too open, too nice, and too serving to those who are around me but what can i say that is what makes me happy.
-xoxoxo

one week

2008-06-20T22:33:00.002-05:00

OK. i got a call from an old friend of mine. i have not talked to her in about 6 months and i was very surprised because when she does call me it is always on the weekends. she is a very interesting girl. she is one out of my 6 friends that i still talk to from my Disney days. she called me because she said that she had a very strange question to ask me. all kinds of things started going through my head, but the question that she asked me was not even on the list. she asked me, what would i do if i had a week to live? i asked her why did she want to know and she told me that someone had asked her the question and she thought that she would ask some of her friends. i paused for a minute and thought about it and i gave her my answer. so, i thought i would do the same to my friends. i want you all to think about it and tell me what you would do if you had a week to live. i know it might seem a little morbid, but what can i say the strangest things intrigue me. i will give you my answer so you all don't think i am chickening out.
if i had a week to live what would i do?
1. i would spend as much time with the people that i loved and made sure they knew how i felt about them.
2. i would tell the people that i have hurt in the past that i am sorry for any pain that i have caused them.
3. i would prepare myself mind, body, and soul.
4. i would write letters to tell people the things that i could not tell them while i was with them.
5. i would pray to god to forgive me for all the things that i have done wrong.
6. i would not cry,i would not be angry at god, and lastly i would not think about the things that i have not had the chance to do in my life, because really whats the point.
there you go, if i had a week to live those are the things i would and would not do.
i hope this does not make any of you sad or think i am trying to bring you down. it was just a question that i was asked and it just got me thinking.
-xoxoxo

just thinking about life.

2008-06-18T23:42:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had one of those night when you could not fall asleep? well i am having one of those nights tonight. i don't know if it is because i have a lot on my mind or if it is because i know that i have a very busy weekend ahead of me. i have these random thoughts floating in my head and that only really happens when things are getting way to complicated. don't get me wrong, i am not saying that i cant handle it or that i think i am doing too much. it just seems like all of a sudden my life is going to be really busy and i just did not expect it. i love when i have things to do and i am not counting work or school. i mean i love doing things when i know i will have fun, meet new people, and maybe even learn something new. i like taking life day by day because you will never know where you are going to be at the end of the day. i also think that doing something like talking with friends, going for a walk, or a drive gives us purpose. why just stay at home in bed when you know you could be out trying something for the first time or doing something that you love. i also realize that every now and then a good day of rest can do a body good. i think that if you live every day as if it were your last you might just find out who you really are. i also think that you will find that you can do more then you thought you could do. so, i say fill your life with love, realize the power of your own thoughts, and lastly give up on the idea that more is better.
love your self for who you are and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
-xoxoxo

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where do i see myself in 5 years

2008-06-17T08:00:00.004-05:00

a friend asked me this and i really don't think i gave a answer that i was happy with. so, i think i will see if i can do that now. i see my self in five yeas done with school for the last time.i want to have a closer relationship with god and one that i know that is truly unshakable. i see myself working a job that i would love and in a place where i would feel at peace. i see my self settling down and starting a family of my own. i know i want to be married and i know that i love kids so i want to at least have one of my own. i don't know if i want to be living in the same city, town, or home. i do know this, i want to be happy and at peace with the person that i love. i want the person that i am with to be happy and what ever he decides that he wants to do then i would be happy to do it as well. all i aks is that he keeps his wants and desires reasonable.
i know that life never turns out the way we want it to and i know that we will make mistakes on the way. i just hope through out all the mistakes we make in relationships, job choices, or anything else, i hope that we learn from them and make better choices in the future. i think i am like most young women, i know what i want and the kind of person i want to be with. i guess my problem is that i keep falling for the wrong ones and doing the wrong things. i have a hard time asking for what i want from people, because i think i have a fear of being told that i cant have what i want. i also think that if i keep my wants to myself then i can keep my heart and mind safe.
i think that this is a much better answer.
-xoxoxo

what is a father?

2008-06-15T17:09:00.002-05:00

A father is a man who watches out for his child.
A father is a man who knows when to let the mother take the lead
A father is a man who is kind and caring
A father is a man who knows what to say to make you feel better.
A father is a man who will forgive you for any mistakes you have made or will make.
A father is kind and gentle but at the same time can protect when need be.
A father is a man who can make his son or daughter feel proud to call him dad.
A father is a man who shows his children right from wrong.
A father is a man who cares for his family and the people around him.
A father is the kind of man that will take the time to talk to you even when he is running late.
in the end what i am saying is this. any man can lay down with a woman to make a child, but it takes a real man to stay and help raise that child. it takes a man who is ready to change his life for the sake of the child, so that the child can have the life that he or she deserves.
so, to all the fathers-Happy Fathers Day
-xoxoxo

change is a good thing.

2008-06-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

i think change is a very good thing. i have a lot of things that are changing in my life some have to do with me and some don't, but i must say they are all good. i have one brother who is getting ready to go to first grade and another who is getting ready to start high school (that makes me feel kind of old) but anyway. i have a cousin who is starting collage. i am so proud of her and the young woman she has become. my other cousin has just started a new job and i wish her all the best, because i know when she put her mind to it she can accomplish anything. like i said before change is a very good thing. as for me i am getting ready to move and i will be starting school in the fall, so i guess this means that my play time is over. i also have another friend who is starting school in the fall, so i guess the collage bug is in the air for those of us who has been there and done that. i am sure that for all of us who are starting down a new path in life that things will go just fine, as long as we have faith and believe that we can do anything we put our minds to it. to all of you who are starting new things or who are thinking of starting something new i wish you all the best, because i want everyone i love to have the life that they want and deserve.
all my love to all my loves-xoxoxo

take time!

2008-06-11T23:08:00.002-05:00

take the time to tell someone you care about how you feel about them.
take the time to find your self and never let anyone tell you who you are and who you should be.
take the time to find out where your heart is and how you are feeling about things in your life.
take the time to spend time with the people who you care about because they might not always be there.
take the time to heal your self from what ever pain you might be going through.
take the time to realize that your true love might be right in front of you and you don't even know it, because you are closed to the possibility of it.
take the time to pray, because the power of prayer is a great thing.
take time to realize that you are worth more than you think you are.
take the time to realize that what you have in life is special and something that you have worked hard for, and never put your self down for not having more than you do.
love your self and be a good friend to those you are close with and never take them for granted, because a true friend is hard to find. keep god in your life because with out him we are just us. life is hard enough so before you make any choices take the time to think about them.
-xoxoxo

why do people ask questions that they really dont want the answers to???

2008-06-09T22:20:00.003-05:00

i think i had a giant question mark on my head, because s person that i know decided to ask me a lot of questions that i felt like they had no business asking. i am a adult in every way that counts and i think that somethings i have the right to keep to my self. i don't know why i was asked these personal questions, but i told this person that i thought they should mind their own business and leave my personal life alone. i don't mind answering these questions if certain people ask me, but not everyone. i have a few people that i tell everything to and i have a few that i only share certain things with. my life is complicated and yes i have made a few mistakes that i wish i could take back, but i cant. i think that i have learned from the things that i have done wrong and i have grown from them also. i know who i can trust with my deepest secrets and who i cant. i know who i can count on and who i cant count on. if you are in my life you can feel free to ask me anything you want, and i promise to give you an honest answer no matter what the question is. if you are not in my life in that way don't ask me personal questions, because i will probably ignore you. if you are sitting there wondering if you are one of the people who can ask me anything, well then you are not someone i trust very much. if you are wondering what else you can ask me and know that you will not get yelled at , well than you are one of the few that i trust with my heart and soul. questions can hurt if you get an answer that you don't want. once you ask a question, be careful because you can not take it back. so, go ahead ask me something and see what happens.
-xoxoxo

my thoughts about ?

2008-06-09T00:56:00.005-05:00

our lives are so amazing, everyday everything is changing and nothing is staying the same. when i see the light in the eyes of a child it is so pure that i miss it sometimes. we are so jaded as adults to the gossip of the what others are saying about us. that we forget that we only have one life to live. so,why cant we move pass the drama? our eyes should be open, our hearts should be full of love for one another, and our hands and arms should be stretched out so that others know that we are there when they need us. some of us cant help but let what others say make us feel bad, but i think that has more to do with our personalities than the way we think. i am a soft spoken person and sometimes i let the words of others hurt me, when i know i should just ignore them all together. i have been told this by many people and i think i will start to do what they tell me.
as i get older i realized, that the things that i did not appreciate as a child, i wish i would have. i was free of complications and free of making decisions. i had to depend on my parents to guide me in the right direction in life, even though they might not have done the right things them selves. i think the way we are raised has a lot to do with how we deal with stressful situations as adults. i miss the innocence, freedom, care free love, and the not knowing of what was going to happen next.
as adults we are worried about bills, our jobs, the person we are dating, when or if we are going to marry, and if and when we want to have children. we are also worried about some of the craziest things, because i think we have to much time on our hands. i think we for get to have fun, to go out and play, because you are never too old to play, to build a stronger relationship with god, and to make sure we are doing something to make our lives worth living.
-xoxoxo
in my arms- by plumb

this is a re-post for those who did not get it.

2008-06-08T14:13:00.002-05:00

ok. i am feeling a little better, but i still have a little anger pint up in me. i took a walk with a friend today and that helped me calm down just a little. i tried to pray about it but that really did not help, because i kept getting interrupted by the person that pissed me off. i tried to swing my anger away at the park by the lake and i think that helped a little. when i decided to go home and did somethings around the house to help clear my head a little more, but i think what really helped me was knowing that if i don't forgive or forget i can not move on with my life or my day. i am the kind of person that once you cross me it is hard to get back on my good side. i think i can forget what that person said to me but i don't think i can forgive, because it really hurt me and as you all know i don't like to be hurt. so. it is now 1:24 am and i have listened to my sad and depressing music and i read my bible and i think tonight i can go to bed knowing that i am the bigger person. my feeling were hurt by someone who claims to love and care for me and i don't know how i could ever forget that, but i will do my very best to forgive. i just have to remember what i tell other and do it for my self and that is, if you don't love your self no one else will and if you don't like your self no one will either, i think those are my words to live by. i love my family and i love my friends very much and i don't want to lose any of them. i want everyone to be happy and find their own little place in this world, all i ask, is that you do it with an open heart and mind and realize that words do hurt. if the person deserves it than fine but make sure they do, because once you say something it is hard to take back.
-xoxoxo

i am very pissed off

2008-06-07T00:36:00.002-05:00

I don't know if it is my mood or what but for some reason everyone has been pushing my buttons today. it is about 12:36am and i am just now getting home, don't get me wrong, i don't mind being out late but when i say i am not feeling well that's what i mean. i hate it when people try to talk over me like i am not even there or like they don't give a damn about my feelings. i am a sweet person, so why do people who say they love me choose to dismiss me. i have not been this upset in a long time and i don't like it at all. i have kept my temper under control for a long time now but when you push me a little to far everything goes out the window and i forget that i am a good person. i was with this person tonight (a family member) and i just wish i would have stayed in my house, because i have had a very good week and this was a very bad way to end it. i try to make everyone happy but i cant help it when i am not really in the mood to be in a car for hours on end and going places where i don't want to go. i hate it when some people make me feel like i have been avoiding them when i don't want to see them every damn day. i don't think that makes me a bad person it just means i have a life. family is suppose to love you know matter what you do or who you are, but i guess i only have one half that does. i am loving, caring, compassionate , and a very understanding person. i try to make time for everyone but there is only so much i can do and i hate to be pushed or forced into a situation that i don't want to be in. don't make me feel bad because i did not call every day! don't criticize me when i say i had something else to do! don't tell me that i don't want to be around you when you know you are the reason for my unhappiness! don't tell me that i am ungrateful and that i only come around when i want something from you, because that is a lie! lastly, don't and i repeat don't take me for granted, don't call me selfish, and don't tell me that i am a user because i am not. i just had to get this off my chest before i went to sleep, because you know what they say " never go to bed mad". so, to that i will say goodnight and i love you all. Keep me in your prayers
-xxxx

can you feel this

2008-06-06T01:36:00.002-05:00

i know that it is late but i could not sleep, because i heard something that made me think of a few people. i thought that this would be a great place to say what i need to say. so, if yo think this fits you then great but if not i think you might like it anyway.
Can you feel this- by Bethany Joy Galeotti
It's gotta be this one,You don't have to fake it You know I can take it What if I told you your tears haven't been ignored And everything that was taken can be restored
Chorus:Feel this.Can you feel this My heart beating out of my chest.Feel this Can you feel this Salvation, under my breath
It's gotta be disguised Soul and script Chord and lyrics What if I told you that innocence is yours And the beauty you have now is brighter than before
Chorus:Feel this.Can you feel this My heart beating out of my chest.Feel this Can you feel this Salvation, under my breath
Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go
Chorus:Feel this.Can you feel this My heart beating out of my chest.Feel this Can you feel this Salvation, under my breath
i have found that music has help me get through some tough times in life and i thought that this song could be added to my list and maybe yours. i think it is sweet and it made me feel better and it helped me get the voice back that i have been missing. it is a short song but i think it is sweet and maybe it can make you feel better.
don't be afraid of your feelings because if you are you might be missing out on some great ones.

to help you better understand me and the way i think

2008-06-04T19:36:00.003-05:00

there are a rules that i live by to make my life go as easy as possible.
i live my life for my self and no one else. i do what i want to do, because that's the only way i feel i can be happy. i pray for the things that i want and need in my life and i sit back and wait for them to come to me. i know that there are things in life that you can not force or foresee but i guess only time will tell. i try to help my friends the best way i can. i do the right things and i only hope that people will follow in my footsteps. i am a good person inside and out and i feel that i should only do what is best for me and the people that i care about. i am loving but i don't love everyone and that keeps me safe. i plan for things that i might have to deal with in the future, because no one knows what is coming around the corner. i keep my feelings inside but i have found that on here i can say what is really on my mind. so, if you know me and you really think that you know what kind of person i am, i think that you will know why i am writing this. so, if you want keep checking back with my blogger and who knows, you might just learn all the thing that you have wanted to know about me.
-xoxoxo

the heart of the matter of learning

2008-06-02T09:42:00.003-05:00

1-learning to live with the choices that we make in our lives.
2-learning to speak up for what we want in our lives.
3-learning to live with out people that we have lost in our lives.
4-learning that we never stop learning.
5-learning that we have control over our lives and only ours
6-learning to forgive the people that has caused us harm or pain.
7-learning to love with out being over baring.
8-learning to let go of the things that we need to let go of.
9-learning to love your self when others don't.
10-learning that you cant make people love you
11-learning that forgiveness and letting go is better than not forgiving and holding on
-xoxo